Bed-ridden and bored is a time for learning

Billy Johnson

Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2013 | 11:45 a.m.

Don't let the diagnosis of "acute bronchitis" fool you. It's very a long way from utterly drop dead gorgeous. It's not cute at all.

Nor is bronchitis monkey-shine cute, as in, "Oh, look who is being cute! It's bronchitis mocking pneumonia!"

Nor, still, is bronchitis cute because it's a small version of something we are used to being bigger, like a car. Say, a Fiat 500.

Perhaps if it were spelled, "aqute bronchitis" then one could at least describe the spelling as cute, because anything with a "q" in it is — in the least — more interesting than a word spelled with a "c".

"Calculus" is not cute. "Cumquat" is not cute either, but it's funny. "Quarantine" is interesting as it implies a serious response to something-or-other that demands a reaction to prevent something worse from happening. But to one who is quarantined, it's not interesting at all. It's rather quite boring.

More than 14-days — and counting — into a bout with the-opposite-of-cute bronchitis, I have found that being quarantined is only as interesting as any ability to really stick it to Netflix by using far more than my $8-monthly-subscription's worth, and what I could Google on my iPhone whenever any query (far more interesting than curiosity) crossed my mind.

And so, here is some of what I have learned during bed rest for, well, most of this calendar year:

• NBC and "Saturday Night Live" have Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo to thank for saving it from its nearly fatal 1980 season, a season that had seen the departure of creator Lorne Michaels.
• Charlie Sheen, CNN's Piers Morgan and I are all 47 years old.
• In Internet parlance, typing "(y)" means "thumbs up."
• Almonds are known for their healing powers in respiratory illness. They are rich in potassium, calcium and magnesium. Almonds are delicious slivered, roasted and drizzled in honey.
• Natalie Portman is 31.
• Lorne Michaels' real last name is Lipowitz, making his real name Lorne Lipowitz.
• Bruce Springsteen and I are both 5 feet 10 inches in height. Robert Downey, Jr., a former SNL cast member, is only 5 feet 9 inches.
• One must be careful when asking Siri to look up Tim Kazurinsky. Rather than retrieving information on Kazurinsky's SNL character Dr. Jack Badofsky, I was misheard and rerouted to read up on an American-born terrorist who frequented post offices.
• Natalie Portman is 5 feet 3 inches.
• Thelma and Louise die in the end.
• Kids these days are typing "O.O" to convey "wide-eyed" online.
• After watching the first 10 episodes of Rod Serling's timeless "Twilight Zone," I have recognized and can name at least one actor in each episode thus far.
• Moisture from a vaporizer can help break down mucus. Standing in a steamy shower with the bathroom door closed can also help, particularly if you also suffer from a cute case of Hershlag.
• I had forgotten how funny Kazurinsky's "I Married a Monkey" sketches were on SNL, but also learned that Kazurinsky created the bit that cast him opposite real monkeys to remind viewers that SNL was, in fact, live. There were a total of six monkey sketches from 1981 to 1984, and the sketches ended when Kazurinsky accepted that agitated monkeys could cause problems.
• Downey is 47-years old, just like me, Morgan and Sheen.
• If ever diagnosed with aqute lorne-lipowitz, almonds are worth trying.
• Natalie Portman's real name is Natalie Hershlag.

So, it's been done with my never having to leave the house. I've written a blog that contains bronchitis, Piscopo, marriage, Kazurinsky, hot showers, Hershlag, almonds, Lipowitz, monkeys, Badofsky, terrorist and Serling — which knocks my first New Year's resolution off the list.

And that calls for a big (y).

Billy Johnson is the president and chief operating officer of the Las Vegas Wranglers.