Wednesday, March 6, 2013 | 12:20 p.m.
Nothing good ever happens to me. Nothing.
And now, recent word from the American Psychological Association indicates that pessimism may up my life expectancy.
Great. Here comes another let down.
The researchers who made this claim studied 10 years of data that folks over the age of 65 whose clouds had no linings cast in silver are more likely to have their expectations met.
"Our findings revealed that being overly optimistic in predicting a better future was associated with greater risk of disability and death within the following decade," said Mr. smarty-pants specialist Frieder R. Lang on EurekAlert!
Todd Snider is more laconic; "It ain't the despair that gets you, it's the hope."
Here is a case in point. I'm just now beginning to think I can squeak out 600 words for this very blog on this very topic, and my legs are already beginning to grow numb.
Before anyone jumps on this whole pessimism-adds-years-to-your-life bandwagon, they should be careful not to confuse a strategy of lowering one's expectations for their future with the famed Fountain of Youth. The Fountain is a very optimistic concept, with which according to this latest revelation, will take years off one's life.
One could assume, in the off chance that the crossing of strategies is possible, that if one was pessimistic about finding the Fountain of Youth, then they might just find the Fountain of Youth, which could lead to immortality.
But that could never happen. Not for me, anyway.
Famous pessimist Eeyore met his recurring misfortune by saying, "Thanks for noticin' me." Of course I learned of this from Wikipedia, which probably has it wrong.
Charlie Brown once said that a countless number of people worldwide never get love letters and he could be their leader. And as a result, he probably rues that he outlived Snoopy. Now, I'm not announcing that Snoopy or any of the remaining Peanuts gang is dead.
I'm only saying that they probably are.
While Chuck and Eeyore yarn woeful tales of the past and dread today's warmed over pea soup at the home, many of us look forward to not looking forward to what tomorrow will bring, and that's even if the world doesn't get smashed by an apocalyptic asteroid.
Any which way one views it, this is very good news for anyone who dreads living longer. Except for me, of course, because I'll be the one guy for whom this strategy doesn't work.
Because nothing good ever happens to me. Ever.
Billy Johnson is the president and chief operating officer of the Las Vegas Wranglers.