Thursday, June 10, 1999 | 9:10 a.m.
Outside of, say, a 14-14 tie between Baylor and Indiana or anything Gennifer Flowers might have to say, it would be hard to top minor league sports playoffs for irrelevancy.
By the time the best triple-A teams in baseball and hockey get around to deciding their championships, they've usually been plundered and pillaged by the big clubs. By then, most of their fans have turned to other pursuits, such as the pro sport currently in season or mowing the lawn. Even the rabid minor league fans stay away, as they are asked to ante up additional money for playoff tickets that aren't covered by their season-ticket plan.
So perhaps it's a good thing that hardly anybody notices the Turner Cup Playoffs. Because the International Hockey League, which provided the showroom for the Las Vegas Thunder before it went dark following this year's regular season, allowed them to be turned into a sham that would make Sam and all the Pharaohs blush.
Here's what happened: A reserve goalie named Marc Lamothe came off the bench to almost single-handedly lead the Indianapolis Ice to a first-round upset over Cincinnati. He was nearly as spectacular in defeat against the Detroit Vipers in the second round.
So spectacular, in fact, that Lamothe wound up starting in goal for the Vipers in the seventh and deciding game of the Eastern Conference finals against Orlando.
Hey, if you can't beat 'em, or have trouble beating him, have him join you.
The Vipers used a loophole you could drive a Zamboni through to add Lamothe to its playoff roster. The NHL's Chicago Blackhawks have affiliations with both Indianapolis and Detroit, so once the Ice was eliminated, the Hawks conveniently transferred Lamothe's contract to the Vipers.
Detroit, to its credit, didn't use Lamothe until Game 7, and then only after the IHL suspended its regular goalie, Andrei Trefilov, for throwing his stick into the crowd and allegedly hitting a woman.
But call it cheater's proof. Or at least bending-the-rules-to-your-advantage proof.
When the Vipers acquired Lamothe, they held a 3-0 series edge. But Orlando rallied for a 4-3 win, becoming only the fifth team in professional hockey history to come back from a 3-0 deficit.
Alas, the Solar Bears, saddled with the same players with which they began the playoffs (imagine that), were beaten by the Houston Aeros in the championship series that went the full seven games.
* JOSE, CAN'T YOU SEE? During what must have been a bout with dementia at batting practice last week, Devil Rays slugger Jose Canseco had a conversation with Gary Shelton of the St. Petersburg Times, during which he told the writer about some of his ideas to save the staid old game of major league baseball.
If Canseco were commissioner, he would:
-- Give Mark McGwire an electric uniform. Canseco envisions McGwire smacking a prodigious home run, then running around the bases in a neon uniform after the stadium lights are turned down and lasers begin to flash. Or as Shelton put it, The Electric Batsman.
-- Adding armor. Not armored cars in which to protect a player's untold millions from his ex-wife. Armored players. "Don't laugh," Canseco says. "There are a lot of places on your body you can wear armor." (Such as between the ears).
-- See-through bases. "When someone touched them, they would light up," Canseco says. (I'd suggest taking it a step further. When two guys wind up on the same base, electrocute the second one.)
-- Cheerleaders between innings. (Jose is getting divorced again. He must need a date.)
-- The illusion of obstacles in the playing field. "Obstacles (themselves) could cause players to get hurt," says Canseco, who should know. When he had trouble fielding his position due to obstacles in the playing field (baseballs hit in the air or on the ground or a second baseman who had called for a pop fly) he became a designated hitter.
-- Orange baseballs. "If someone hit it out, it would be good for two or three runs instead of just one. You could bring out an orange baseball in the seventh inning." (Maybe umpires could see it better and finally call the letter-high strike.)
-- Extra runs for extra distance on home runs. Baseball's version of the three-point goal in basketball. (Load up on the creatine.)
As you may have guessed by now, Canseco said baseball should be less like the laid-back pastime that Abner Doubleday envisioned and more like the in-your-face empire that Vince McMahon has created.
"To me, Vince McMahon is a genius for what he's done with wrestling," Canseco says. "He realizes you're dealing with entertainment.
"Baseball's got to do something."
It could start by demanding that Canseco seek psychiatric care.
* AROUND THE HORN: The four Cal State Fullerton baseball players who were sent home from the NCAA Super Regional for throwing rocks off a downtown building in South Bend, Ind., have been reinstated for the College World Series. Perhaps they were geology majors working on a research project. ... Columnist Ailene Voisin of the Sacramento Bee says former Las Vegas Silver Streaks coach Sonny Allen "will be one ticked-off hillbilly" if his new team, the Sacramento Monarchs of the WNBA, don't challenge for the title. Allen hails from Moundsville, W. Va. ... Unless Andre Agassi can show me a note from his doctor, I'm guessing the thigh bruise or whatever it is that caused him to withdraw from the Halle Open in Germany this week is as minor as the event itself.
* PARTING SHOT: Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "
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