Monday, July 17, 2006 | 7:17 a.m.
I'm counting carbs and don't play golf; so I have decided to skip this year's Mountain West Conference football media daze - er, days - which begin today in San Diego.
The coaches will just have to lie about their teams without me. I predict that won't be a problem.
Although it's always fun to watch Air Force's Fisher DeBerry try to go five minutes without using the word "dadgum" and Wyoming's Joe Glenn try to incorporate a suede fringe vest into his summer wardrobe, I think I'll just watch the proceedings on CSTV this year.
Oh, I forgot. Those of us Neanderthals who depend on Cox Cable for our television programming still can't get CSTV, which announced a partnership with the Mountain West two years ago at this event.
That was when the football and basketball media days were still held in Las Vegas. Somebody must have complained it was too hot to walk the eight steps from valet parking to the buffet line at the Ritz-Carlton, Lake Las Vegas, because they loaded up the truck and moved to San Diego.
Remind me to send Rick Majerus a thank-you note.
This is the second year media day will be held at the Coronado Marriott. That means the biggest question that will go unanswered won't be "When is BYU going to return to prominence?" but "Why didn't I stay in school and choose another profession?" as the assembled sports writers wistfully gaze across the bay at the spectacular high-rise condominiums that form the San Diego skyline.
Of course, our chosen profession would be a lot more interesting if the coaches would just say what's on their mind instead of what their alumni base wants to read in Street and Smith's annual college football preview.
Unfortunately, the chance of that happening is zero, zilch, zip, nada, nil and the empty set.
Instead, it'll most likely go as it always goes. Something like this:
MODERATOR (wearing either a golf or Hawaiian print shirt with the Big Cheese Conference logo on the breast pocket): "Next up, Coach Hank Puntsalot from Whoer U. Coach, the podium is yours."
PUNTSALOT (wearing either a golf or Hawaiian print shirt with the Whoer U. logo on the breast pocket): "Thanks, Jim Bob. I didn't feel like preparing an opening statement; so I'll just open it up to questions from the peanut gallery."
PRINT MEDIA GUY (wearing either a wrinkled golf or Hawaiian print shirt and wrinkled Dockers that don't match): "Coach, you're coming off three consecutive 2-9 seasons and the auto dealership magnates who pay for your TV show are getting restless. How do you turn it around and become a factor in the Big Cheese?
PUNTSALOT: "Next question."
ELECTRONIC MEDIA GUY (wearing a designer shirt with a starched collar, pressed designer slacks, tasseled loafers and no socks): "C'mon coach, answer the question."
PUNTSALOT: "Is that camera on?"
ELECTRONIC MEDIA GUY: "Yup."
PUNTSALOT: "Well, Skip, it's like this: If our offense executes, our defense executes and our special teams execute, we should be much improved. (Followed by a cliche-ridden five-minute sound bite that ends with) "a bowl bid isn't out of the question."
ELECTRONIC MEDIA GUY: "Thanks, coach. Great answer."
LISA GUERRERO: (wearing lots of makeup and a tight top): "Coach, do you still think I'm hot?"
PUNTSALOT (winking): "Monday Night Football hasn't been the same since you left, sweetheart. Welcome to the Big Cheese."
And so on and so on and so on.
Now multiply that by eight - I mean nine (this TCU thing is going to take some time getting used to) - and blow really, really hard and you'll have a pretty good idea of what you're missing.
At least until it's time to eat or play golf.