Jon Ralston weighs in for the candidates on the budget deficit

By Jon Ralston

Sunday, June 27, 2010 | 2 a.m.

It’s been a couple of weeks since the gubernatorial candidates sat down for that meaningful debate detailed here, one in which they presented those comprehensive plans to solve a $3.5 billion deficit, diversify the state’s economy and improve Nevada’s K-16 school system.

If you missed those plans, you can find them at www.nvfantasyworld.com.

Luckily, they have agreed to sit for another debate, although Republican nominee Brian Sandoval was not available and has sent a representative.

Moderator: “Welcome, Gov. Jim Gibbons. Thanks for sitting in for Brian Sandoval.”

Gibbons: “It’s nice to be here and be relevant. Brian sends his regrets. He would have liked to be here, but his schedule is hectic these days. If it’s not an interview with a local or national conservative talk show host, it’s spending time in that secret bunker, making sure no one really knows where he stands. He is a busy man.”

Moderator: “Commissioner, welcome to you, too.”

Rory: “Call me Rory. It’s the better half of my name. I am outraged that Brian is still hiding and won’t debate me. I keep saying he’s just Jim Gibbons in a better suit and now look who he has sent to debate me.”

Gibbons: “I’m offended. Some people have called me an empty suit. But that was never meant to disparage the suit. And I am perfectly capable of standing in for Brian. He and I have the same positions on all issues. Just try me.”

Moderator: “Fair enough, Governor. What will you do about the $3.5 billion budget deficit that threatens to destroy the state’s economy?”

Gibbons: “As Brian would say, ‘No new taxes.’ ”

Rory: “See. That’s just irresponsible. That’s lying to the public. I, on the other hand, have a plan to balance the budget. I just haven’t told you what it is yet, but it won’t raise taxes. I call it my Magic Fairy Dust Plan.”

Moderator: “But, gentlemen, doesn’t the public have a right to hear your ideas before 2011? By then it will be too late.”

Gibbons: “I beg to differ. Brian believes, as I did in 2006, that if you avoid all the major issues and don’t say anything, you can beat a very flawed opponent. No offense, Commissioner Reid.”

Rory: “Please, call me Rory. Governor, I know Dina Titus. Dina Titus is a friend of mine. I’m no Dina Titus.”

Gibbons: “Oh no, you’re worse. You don’t have the accent but you’re just as liberal and would destroy the economy just as your dad has with his failed stimulus plan and nationalized health care plan.”

Moderator: “Governor, do you even know what ‘nationalized’ means?”

Gibbons: “No. But Brian does. And that’s what’s important.”

Rory: “I must respond. I have been the leader of the Clark County Commission. And look what I have done for the economy in Southern Nevada. Wait, strike that. I am chairman of the Clark County Commission, so I know how to balance a large budget: Declare war on public employees, lambaste firefighters for all their overtime and hope no one notices the problem isn’t really fixed.”

Gibbons: “Hey, he sounds a lot like Brian and me. Maybe they aren’t so different, after all. It’s like Napoleon and Snowball, but one has to lose. But does it really matter which one?”

Moderator: “Getting philosophical on us, Governor?”

Gibbons: “I suppose. I will be a hard act to follow. But I believe Brian is best because he’s promised to continue my nonpolicies of cut-cut-cut and no-new-taxes, which has helped lead our state to the prosperity it enjoys today. Wait, that’s not right ...”

Rory: “No, it’s not, right. And neither is Brian’s policy of hiding and avoiding debates and sending lame ducks to take his place. No offense, Governor.”

Gibbons: “None taken. That loss was a blessing in disguise, especially after I realized how much Brian is like me.”

Rory: “Yes, he is. Just like you he wants to solve the budget problem by laying off teachers. That’s his plan.”

Gibbons: “Like me, Brian understands we can’t tax our way into prosperity, that we have to tighten our belts and run government more like a business. You are in the pocket of the teachers union and won’t present any original ideas.”

Rory: “Are you kidding, governor? I have a plan and it has a neat acronym — EDGE — and it won’t raise taxes. I know, because the places I stole the plan from didn’t have to raise taxes.”

Moderator: I ask again, gentlemen: Do either of you have an answer to the burgeoning budget deficit, the economic malaise and the education system’s problems?

Gibbons: “No new taxes.”

Rory: “I have a secret plan.”