Monday, Oct. 11, 2010 | 2 a.m.
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More Dickensheets
According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, it’s estimated that a human language dies every 14 days. Most are aboriginal and village-specific tongues, sure, but we shouldn’t get complacent. I believe it’s important that we continue building up our language, whatever it is we speak in Las Vegas, with timely infusions of new words. Adapted usages based on the latest political, cultural and social developments. To keep our modes of expression fresh, vital. Here, then, are a few suggested additions to the Vegas vocabulary:
ASHJIAN: (noun) An irritating, persistent, rash-like condition. Sample usage: “I’ve tried every juice available, but this Ashjian on my backside just won’t go away.”
CONSTITUTIONIFICATION: (noun) A process in which name-checking the Constitution renders anything else you say acceptable. (See also, Party, Tea.)
DIALOGUE: (noun) Two monologues. Best said in a tone of chipper naiveté: “I think we should have a productive dialogue on illegal immigration!”
DEBATE: (noun) A style of ceremonial theater composed entirely of small, precise gestures meant to imply meaning without actually conveying any. Similar to Japanese Noh theater, but with even more elaborate masks. (See also, coroner’s inquest.)
EDUCATION: (noun) Term denoting an unreasonable financial burden for cranky seniors.
ENSIGN: (adjective) Term denoting a combination train wreck, bridge collapse, gas leak and bad hair day. Sample usage: “I tried watching ‘Hawaii Five-0’ but it was just so ensign.”
FACTS: Hey, how did this get in here?
FALLOUT: NEW VEGAS: (noun) A video game in which Wall Street derivatives brokers hunt Las Vegas homeowners through a post-foreclosure hellscape, earning six-figure bonus points for each kill.
THE HOMELESS: (noun) Formerly a term for people without a home; redefined by Internet comment-thread posters to mean self-created victims who should shut their gripe-holes. (See also, “underwater homeowners.”)
JUICE: (noun) DeMint-flavored power drink. (See also, “ ‘That’s really all I can offer to you (Ashjian) is whatever juice I have, you have as well,’ Angle said on the tape.”)
RAGGIO: (slang) Shorthand for “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Best uttered in tone of abject despair that it’s come to this.
TO PULL A REID: (verb) To fritter away one’s competitive advantage. Antonym: “strike while the iron is hot.” Sample usage: “We had a 20-0 lead at halftime, but in the third quarter we pulled a Reid and dropped the ball.”
REIDING RAINBOW: (noun) At the end of which there’s a $615 million pot of gold that will fund Rory Reid’s no-tax state budget.
SANDOVAL BUDGET PLAN: (noun) An item that exists only as long as all participants agree that it does; a consensual illusion. Sample usage: “I forgot to do my algebra assignment, so I whipped up a quick sandoval budget plan instead; Miss Smithers accepted it without question!”
SECOND AMENDMENT REMEDIES: (slang) For some, synonymous with The Rapture.
SHARRON LAW: (noun) A strict fundamentalist belief system that requires cutting off offending appendages (Education Department, insurance mandates) for a variety of ideological sins.
TAXES: (noun) 1. The worst thing in the world. 2. No, in the galaxy. 3. No, in the universe. 4. Also, God probably hates them. Sample usage: “Mommy, there’s a broad-based business tax under my bed, and it’s scaring me! Can you appeal to people’s blinkered self-interest and make it go away?!”
TEA PARTY: (noun) Gathering of upper-crust British ladies to sip tea, nibble crumpets and complain about entitlements.
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