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November 26, 2015

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jon ralston:

Trying to understand what Reid and Angle might really be saying

Welcome to this history-making debate in the race for the U.S. Senate.

This is the first debate ever to require translators so the candidates can be understood. Sharron Angle will speak in her native tongue known as Angleish while Harry Reid will converse in his preferred dialect known as Reidspeak. The moderator is about to begin:

Moderator: “Let’s start with the economy. Ms. Angle, who do you think is responsible for the terrible economy?”

Angle (smiles broadly): “We have the highest unemployment rate in the country. We have the highest foreclosure rate. People are hurting. Harry Reid waterboarded the economy along with Obamacare and the bailouts and Nancy Pelosi, too. I don’t mean he waterboarded Pelosi, but she is a domestic enemy who needs a Second Amendment remedy.”

Angleish translator: “My staff told me to talk only about the economy and Reid. That’s it. Otherwise, I tend to get in trouble.”

Moderator: “And you, Sen. Reid?”

Reid (chuckles): “Sharron Angle, as you know, is crazy. She is very extreme. Even the Review-Journal, a newspaper that hates me, ran a story saying she is crazy. OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I don’t want to talk about the economy.”

Moderator: “Thank you. These translators are very helpful. Let’s start with you this time, Sen. Reid. Why would you have ever said “The war is lost” when you know that could have demoralized our troops in Iraq?”

Reid (chuckles): “I was only saying what Gen. Petraeus was saying, that the war couldn’t be won militarily. I used to think he was a liar, but now I love him because the president does, too. And I misspoke because the war is won. And I was there for Petraeus when he needed me. OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I know it was a really stupid thing to say. But it was even dumber to say it when TV cameras were on.”

Moderator: “Ms. Angle, I was wondering about a couple of your statements, too. You once said people might resort to Second Amendment remedies and that government has taken the place of God, which violates the First Commandment. What in the world did you mean?”

Angle (smiles): “I didn’t say that. Thank you.”

Angleish translator: “Well, of course I said those things. But I was just trying to please my interviewers and probably sounded as crazy as they are. Now it’s time to do what my hero, Ronald Reagan, did when questioned about Iran-Contra: I don’t recall.”

Moderator: “Thank you, again, to the translators. I’m really seeing things more clearly now, and I’m sure many voters are, too. Ms. Angle, you are about to go to Washington and raise money from a bunch of lobbying insiders after making a big deal out of Sen. Reid being a K Street captive. How do you reconcile that?”

Angle (smiles): “Let’s talk about what people care about. Harry Reid has destroyed the Nevada economy with his reckless spending, Obamacare, the stimulus and bailouts. That’s what people care about, not this inside baseball stuff.”

Angleish translator: “Of course it’s hypocritical. But do you know how hard it is to raise money? And that whole million people sending me 25 bucks thing hasn’t worked out so well. I’m about tapped out.”

Moderator: “Thank you. Sen. Reid, how do you possibly claim that you bear no responsibility for the high unemployment rate in Nevada and for the high foreclosure rate? That’s not credible, is it?”

Reid (chuckles): “Have I mentioned yet during this debate that Sharron Angle is a little cuckoo? She wants to phase out Social Security and Medicare. She wants to close down the federal government, for all intents and purposes. And you ask me about the economy? That’s not the issue. She is the issue, OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I don’t want to talk about the economy.”

Moderator: “Thank you, again. Final question of this illuminating debate for both candidates: Why would you be a better representative for Nevada than your opponent? Sen. Reid?”

Reid (chuckles): “Is that a serious question? Me or Sharron Angle? Everyone knows this is a joke. No one can do more than I can. No one can do less than she will do, OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “How can she even be in the race against me? That’s what’s really nuts!”

Moderator: “Interesting. Ms. Angle?”

Angle: “I am a mainstream American. I am a mainstream Nevadan. Reid-Obama-Pelosi do not represent mainstream America or mainstream Nevada. I am not extreme.”

Angleish translator: “Oh, I’m extreme, all right — extremely lucky to be where I am today.”

Moderator: “Thanks to both candidates and their translators. Or, as I really mean to say: This race is lost.”

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