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September 5, 2015

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Jon Ralston:

Inside the backroom of the Nevada Republican Party

The executive board of the Nevada GOP met this week, and I have obtained a transcript:

Chairman Michael McDonald: “Sorry I’m late. I was over at the city of Las Vegas. I was trying to tell them there are no shadow partners even though I didn’t pay my development deposit and someone else did.”

Executive board member: “Don’t use that word ‘shadow,’ Mr. Chairman. We have enough problems with that shadow party.”

MM: “There is no shadow party. We are the party! Don’t talk about that! Now, everyone, please put on your tin foil hats so we can block all interference, especially from the lamestream media.”

(They all put on tin foil hats with pictures of Ron Paul safety-clipped on.)

Member: “Can we do the chant first? Please, Mr. Chairman?”

MM: “Of course!”

All together: “It’s one for all and all for Paul. Mitt’s not it, and we won’t quit.”

MM: “Very nicely done. So what’s the first order of business?”

Member: “Treasurer’s report. It’s not pretty.”

MM: “What do you mean? Aren’t people giving because I am the chairman?”

Member: “Well ... not exactly. In fact, we are going the other way. Some guy wants to take his furniture back. Sheldon now wants to bill us for the Venetian room. We’re broke.”

MM: “Wait, I’ll get on the phone to Mr. Adelson right now. (Dials number.) Hello, Mr. A., it’s Michael. (Pause.) Michael McDonald, sir. (A click is heard.) Um, I guess we had a bad connection. Let’s move on.”

Member: “We need to decide what to do about bringing in this guy from Utah.”

MM: “I’m getting a lot of blowback about this guy Wimmer. I agreed to it, but now I’m thinking it might be a bad idea. I say let’s not do it.”

Member: “But you told your friend, Jesse Law, to get him and that Jesse would be executive director by tonight.”

MM: “You know what they say in politics — no permanent friends, no permanent enemies. Jesse’s young. He’ll recover.”

Member: “What would Ron Paul say, Mr. Chairman?”

MM: “I’ll call him to let him know. (Dials number.) Hi, Dr. Paul, it’s Michael. (Pause.) Michael McDonald, sir. (Click.) I’m sure he knew who I was. Probably just very busy. Next item?”

Member: “So what will you say about Wimmer, Mr. Chairman?”

MM: “I’ll just say I don’t know who he is. No one will believe him over me. Next item?”

Member: “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we have to talk about the Team Nevada issue — you know, the shadow party?”

MM: “What about them?”

Member: “We lost Dave Gibbs and Woody Stroupe from Clark County. Others might leave, too. What are we going to do?”

MM: “Woody Stroupe? That guy said voting is a privilege, not a right. He’s way too mainstream for us. He doesn’t even believe that voter fraud cost Dr. Paul the Nevada caucus — and maybe the presidency. Good riddance.”

Member: “Good point. But we do need, um, money — at least to keep the lights on. And to lock up all your guns in that fancy electronic safe of yours, Mr. Chairman.”

MM: “I suppose we should make peace. Let me call over there and talk to Bob List. The governor and I are tight. (Dials number.) Hi, Governor, it’s Michael. (Pause.) Michael McDonald! The chairman of the state Republican ... (Click.) Damn it. I feel like Rodney Dangerfield.”

Member: “Was he a character in ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ Mr. Chairman?”

MM: “No. Let’s move on.”

Member: “We need to make plans for Tampa. There has been a suggestion that we stay at an undisclosed location with the other Paul delegations so we can make our surprise assault on the floor without anyone knowing we are coming. The airport Doubletree, of course, is a plum location for our delegation. But we were thinking we should stay in Miami.”

MM: “Miami? That’s far away.”

Member: “Exactly. But no one will guess we are there.”

MM: “Brilliant! Who’s paying?”

Member: “We have been able to round up enough gold bars from our collection to easily pay for the delegation for a week.”

MM: “Excellent.”

Member: “But no one here in this room can say anything about the plan. And we certainly can’t tell any of the Romney people. They are the enemy.”

MM: “Agreed. So what is everyone hearing: Do people still think I have a chance of being elected to the U.S. Senate against Harry Reid in 2016?”

Member: “So long as you do whatever crazy things we want to do, we can elect you to anything, Mr. Chairman.”

MM: “These meetings are smoother and more organized than anything I experienced as a councilman. But I am glad we decided on this location. Area 51 was a great choice.”

Member: (adjusting tin foil hat): “We thought so.”

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