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October 24, 2014

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Introducing His Royal Highness Prince … Carlos Danger?

We return you now to Day 7 in our continuing coverage of the birth of the royal baby.

Here’s what we know so far. An unemployed 31-year-old woman who goes by “The Duchess of Cambridge” wrapped up a nine-month pregnancy on Monday by giving birth in a London hospital to a healthy 8-pound, 6-ounce boy.

After a night’s stay in the hospital, the woman, Kate, left the hospital with her husband, Will, and their then-yet-to-be-named infant. The newborn was put in a car seat, and Will drove the car back to their home/palace.

This was such big news that I got a little carried away, and inadvertently issued a breaking-news-bulletin that the couple had decided to name their baby Carlos Danger.

This was not correct.

“Carlos Danger” was actually the online alias that former congressman and current New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner used while texting lewd photos of himself to a 22-year-old woman in Indiana.

In hindsight, I should have known that “His Royal Highness Prince Carlos Danger of Cambridge” was not a very likely name for the royal infant.

But in my defense, I couldn’t have predicted that Weiner was still texting photos of his junk to women, and so when I started hearing people marveling in the newsroom at the name “Carlos Danger,” I assumed it was the name for the new baby.

I regret the error. And speaking of Carlos Danger, our continuing coverage of 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera photographing himself while emerging from a shower will resume as soon as the royal baby sleeps through the night or Weiner resigns. Whichever comes first.

You won’t want to miss our special report, “Geraldo Danger: Is that something from Al Capone’s vault or are you just happy to see us?”

But now, back to our big story.

We’ll hear in a little while from an umbilical cord expert who will talk us through what’s next with little Prince George’s belly button, and especially the cord’s crusty remnant that typically falls off sometime during the first few weeks.

And in a related story, we’ll take you to a local bakery that is offering a new pastry creation called “George’s Crusty Remnant” in honor of the new prince. I hear it’s delicious, right down to its gooey center.

And then we’ll get the latest betting odds from bookies on the little prince’s belly button. Is the smart money on an innie or an outie?

Right now, though, we’re waiting for word on whether Kate has begun to suffer from postpartum depression. It would be understandable, considering that her palace has been undergoing renovations, and like all new moms, she must now deal with a matronly in-law who expects to be treated like a queen around the baby.

So we’re going to hear now from some local new mothers who can give us some perspective on what poor Kate must be going through.

OK, um ... We’re apparently having some issues with the feed on that. So while we’re trying to resolve these technical difficulties, let me remind you to tune in tomorrow for our special report entitled “Little Lord’s Fontanelle.” It will answer all your questions about the throbbing soft spot on the top of little George’s head.

Speaking of throbbing heads, I’ve just been told there may be some breaking news developing from New York ...

Frank Cerabino writes for The Palm Beach Post.

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