Raising kids in Las Vegas: Answers to special challenges parents face here

By Seamus Kirst, Special to The Sunday

Monday, Dec. 14, 2015 | 2 a.m.

Parenting is the most demanding job in the world. What other role requires you to be on call 24/7? What other job has higher stakes?

Living in Las Vegas — with our casinos, strip clubs and rowdy tourists — presents an entirely separate set of concerns and questions when raising a family. How do I explain escort ads to my young child? Will my son or daughter form a gambling problem?

No parent has all the answers, so we consulted licensed social workers, family therapists, addiction counselors and educational specialists to compile tips for raising children in Las Vegas.

Of course, all children are different and every parent has his or her own parenting style and approach. Not all parents will find every piece of advice helpful, but these general guidelines are intended to help in sticky situations.

Specific to Nevada

I believe my child is experimenting with drugs and alcohol. How do I address the situation?

Jobin: If you suspect experimentation, sit the child down immediately and have an open conversation. Do not come at him or her critically or judgmentally, and don’t make threats or it will encourage the child to hide. Invite him or her to be honest.

Dow: If you suspect abuse, arrange for a professional intervention by a marriage and family therapist who is a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and can use family-based intervention strategies to help. Engaging the entire family in the process is more effective than sending a child to a counselor or treatment program. In most cases, the whole family heals in ways that promote growth, and your child learns coping strategies to handle life without drug or alcohol abuse. If you cannot afford the services of a licensed marriage and family therapist, UNLV has the Center for Individual, Couple and Family Counseling, a training facility for the UNLV Marriage and Family Therapy Program that provides quality, low-cost therapy to local residents.

How do I explain escort ads and billboards of half-naked women to my young child? What about my teen?

Jobin: Parents don’t have to volunteer an explanation to small children. Wait until they ask a targeted question, then supply them with only necessary information. For example, if a young child asks, ‘Why is that woman wearing a swimsuit?’ you can say she is going swimming. Teenagers likely will ask more specific questions. Parents should have an open conversation in which they explain what escorts do and then reinforce their family values.

My 21-year-old gambles a lot. I’m worried.

Dow: Young people are particularly at risk for problem gambling, so you are right to worry.

Early intervention is the key to preventing the development of pathological problem gambling. Call a clinician who specializes in the treatment of gambling disorders. A licensed professional can guide you in setting healthy boundaries that are helpful in assisting your child to stop the destructive behavior.

The Problem Gambling Center, a local nonprofit that provides counseling to people with gambling problems and their family and friends, is a great resource if you cannot find or afford a private therapist.

My tween wants to hang out alone with friends and go to the movies, bowling, out to eat. But I worry because so many of the activities are in casinos. How can I let my tween feel independent while still keeping him safe?

McCarthy: Kids think they are Teflon and nothing bad ever will happen to them. Tweenagers, in particular, strive for independence, yet at the same time, are hungry for limits.

In terms of kids going to casinos before they are teenagers, that is a big risk. A compromise might be to have a parent drive and stay in the background while they go to the movies or bowl.

Your children likely will tell you that you are the only parent in the world who will not allow them to run free. They don’t realize they are lucky to have parents who care.

It also is important that your children understand that if they are ever in a situation where they feel nervous or unsafe, they always can call you to come get them, no questions asked.

For all parents, regardless of location

My child wants a cellphone. What’s the appropriate age for that?

McCarthy: Today, many parents want to allow their kids to carry cellphones for safety reasons. Parents must determine if their child is mature enough to handle the privilege.

By middle school, many children have their own cellphones. Parents must be clear about appropriate use and the consequences for misuse.

Set time limits for personal use such as calling friends. Such rules as one hour per day and only after homework is done are reasonable. Your children should know that class time is not an appropriate time to use phones.

Also, parents must insist on their right to monitor use and have access to all activity on the phone.

My child wants to attend an expensive college. I want him to go to a cheaper state school. Help!

Lau: It’s pretty common for teenagers to have their own ideas and goals that are different from those of their parents. One thing to look at from a counseling perspective is what’s best for the development of the child as they enter an adult stage where they’ll have to make decisions of their own.

Expenses are a realistic challenge. Of course, it’s helpful if parents have experience with applying to colleges, searching for scholarships and filing for financial aid. But for families that don’t, I strongly encourage them with to work with a college counselor at their child’s high school.

Don’t be turned off by financial numbers; your child should apply and see what aid package he or she receives. I have known students who worked with the prospective university and received need-based financial aid and merit scholarships that actually made it cheaper for the student to attend a private university than a state school.

How much in student loans should my child and I take out?

Lau: Everyone’s situation is going to vary. I know students who have done work-study and received stipends and tuition waivers. Some students choose to go to school part time instead of full time.

For families that pay for college with loans, always opt for federal loans over private loans, as they can be consolidated with lower interest rates.

My child is having trouble making friends. How can I help? Or shouldn’t I?

Gelfer: Socializing has to come naturally. To force socializing would be intimidating and humiliating for your child.

Instead, be an inviting parent and ask your child to do something fun with you if they aren’t ready to be social with children their own age.

My adult child still lives at home. She doesn’t go to school and has no job. I don’t want to kick her out onto the street, but I also can’t support her forever. What should I do?

Lau: Parents can start by asking their adult children to pay for utilities or pay a couple of hundred of dollars a month in rent. If the adult child can’t afford that, encourage him or her to line up some sort of income, even if it’s just a part-time job. That way, the adult child will be held accountable and will be encouraged to establish an independent life.

My teen wants a driver’s license, but I worry he isn’t mature enough to handle the responsibility. How can I ensure he and others on the road are safe?

O’Day: When parents express concern about their child not being responsible enough to drive, I ask them “What’s the hurry?” Trust is earned in many ways, and I encourage parents to look at the big picture before even letting kids get their license. Teens who are impulsive and aggressive might require additional emotional preparation before they get behind the wheel.

What age is appropriate for a sleepover? What steps should I take if I don’t know the family?

McCarthy: It’s normal for elementary school-aged children to have sleepovers with one or two other children and for older elementary schoolchildren to have sleepover birthday parties.

As kids get older, they may receive invitations to sleepovers at homes where you don’t know the parents or the children. As a responsible parent, you must check with the other parents to be sure an adult will be present. Explain to your children it isn’t because you don’t trust them but is a necessary safety precaution to make sure they aren’t put into situations they can’t handle.

If they don’t want you to contact the other parents, then you have to tell them they will not be attending.

Gelfer: Parents always reserve the right to say no.

With everything that has been going on in the world lately, how should I answer my child’s questions about terrorism and mass violence?

McCarthy: How parents deal with these anxieties is critical to the mental health of their children. Some children will vocalize their questions; others may not but will exhibit behaviors indicative of feeling insecure or unsafe, such as fearing to be separated from parents or teachers. One of the best things parents can do for young children is to limit their viewing of media coverage of the events. Very young children should be totally prevented from viewing such sights. It is important to find out just what children have heard or think they know about the situations and try to clarify the facts for them, at a level appropriate for their ages. Some people suggest allowing children to draw pictures about what they are feeling. Older children deal well with facts. Be sure to leave the door open for future conversations, as anxiety may persist over the course of months until children once again feel secure. Children must feel free to ask questions about what they have seen or heard, and parents need to respond calmly and rationally to their questions. Children may ask questions that are difficult for parents to answer, including “Why did those people do that?” Parental responses should be calm and reassure children that the odds of these things happening are rare and that you are doing everything you can to be sure they are safe, as are schools, the police, etc. You may want to try to explain that some people have very wrong thinking and try to solve problems by doing hurtful things. Remind your children that most people are good and kind.

My child talks back. How can I teach him to be more respectful?

Vaquilar: Explore why your child is violating your verbal boundaries. Typically, the child is trying to gain an object, trying to escape an undesired activity or trying to gain attention.

The next step is to be honest with yourself and determine whether what your child is doing is enabling him to get what he wants.

Children must be able to find a solution or make a compromise, or they have to accept a consequence.

My child shows violent tendencies — yelling, hitting, pushing. What does that mean?

Vaquilar: Physical aggression is \ similar to having a tantrum. It’s the inability to effectively communicate what the child really wants or needs.

Teach your child how to use her words. Generally, you want the child to learn how to identify her feelings, tell you what she wants and accept the limit. Learning these social skills depends on the age of the child.

My toddler refuses to be potty trained. Is that normal?

Gelfer: Potty training should come naturally. Most kids just need time and modeling, so have a little miniature plastic potty in the bathroom and bring them in when you’re going.

When should I start giving my child an allowance? What should I expect in return?

Gelfer: I don’t think parents need to give an allowance to children until they reach adolescence, when they actually need money. When they’re young, the best reward for doing chores and behaving well is spending time with your child. That’s a healthy allowance.

I think my child is gay. Should I ask him about it? Or wait until he brings it up to me?

O’Day: Teens are exposed to sexuality and sexual/gender identity at a much younger age, so it’s imperative that parents openly speak about these topics at home. Our school system is not being allowed to educate our youths on these topics, which means they seek information from their peers or the media.

The problem is that many adults are uncomfortable with homosexuality and gender fluidity. If you speak respectfully about these topics at home and you have a secure attachment with your children, they eventually will feel comfortable bringing up this topic with you.

My teen regularly misses curfews and sneaks out when I ground her. What do I do?

Jobin: Sounds like the punishment system isn’t working. I like to have teens and adults work together to create a contract that explains, “If you do X, consequence Y will happen.” Let the teenager be a part of developing a fair consequence system and have the teen sign it. Hold the teen accountable.

Also, parents must inspect what they expect. If you expect the teen to be in bed, but you don’t ever inspect whether he or she is, the child will notice and will misbehave.

Monaghan: Communication is the key in all of this. Many teens struggle with wanting to be heard and recognized as they grow in their independence. Counseling is a great tool that allows for kids and parents to be able to reach co-created shared language, shared solutions and shared consequences.

My adult children have become distant, and I rarely see my grandchildren. We’ve always had a good relationship. How can I get that back?

Lau: One of the hardest parts of parenting is letting go. It’s kind of like dropping our kids off at the first day of kindergarten; we as parents have to let our adult children break away and start their own lives.

Adult children striving for independence is part of a normal developmental pattern. If you feel like the emotional distance is too extreme, use nonconfrontational communication to try to resolve the issue.

My child doesn’t share the same religious beliefs as I do. What can I do?

Lau: Teenagers are searching for an identity, and as parents, we must recognize that we didn’t decide on our beliefs overnight, either; it was a process. At the end of the day, your child may or may not have the same religious beliefs as you.

As parents, you can try only to guide them as much as you can and provide them with the best environment to make the best decisions for themselves, an environment where it is safe to make mistakes and always safe to come back home.

My kid eats only three foods. How can I expand his palette?

Gelfer: Some kids are just picky eaters. You can’t force them to try new foods, but you can model by eating diverse foods yourself. Try fun methods to encourage your children to try new foods. Ask them, “What do you think green tastes like?” Then eat a green vegetable and discuss the flavors.

My child is struggling with her teacher. We’ve already had parent-teacher conferences, and it seems to be a personality mismatch. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. How involved should I become?

McCarthy: This is a sticky issue. On the one hand, you want to teach your child resilient behavior and ways to cope with people who are not always sympathetic to their issues, learning challenges or personality. However, if the situation is impacting your child so seriously that she gets physically ill at the thought of school or she receives overly harsh treatment, it is time to intervene. The goal of the conference with the teacher should be to avoid confrontation and calmly lay out the challenges your child is experiencing so you can reach a positive solution collaboratively.

Duhel: The older a child is, the less parents should insert themselves into conflict resolution. Parents should prepare their children to confront issues and challenges own their and become responsible adults. Being a helicopter parent throughout children’s development will disable them from learning from their mistakes, learning coping skills, having a sense of accomplishment and owning their failures and wins in life.

My child has a poor body image, and I’m worried. What should I do?

Duhel: In general, parents should promote positive self-image and a healthy lifestyle for themselves and their children.

The core of the issue is low self-esteem. Children believe and trust the words of the people who are important to them, starting with their caregivers, parents and, later on, their peers. Children who grew up around criticism, bullying, absence of love and warmth, and feelings of failure in meeting parental standards are more prone to develop a low self-esteem that will continue into adulthood. As a parent, practice and preach positive self-talk and promote love and caring. If needed, consult with a school counselor and/or send your child to counseling sessions where he or she can learn coping skill and tools to develop positive self-esteem and self-love.

My kids fight constantly with each other. How can I keep the peace?

Duhel: Siblings need to learn on their own to negotiate, compromise and settle, unless the situation is getting out of hand and the children are getting hurt, mentally or physically. Parents should reward their children when they do good for each other, care for each other or play nicely with each other.

I think my daughter is addicted to her phone and social media. What should I do?

Monaghan: Set limits; the phone is a privilege. You also can create screen-free times, but you will have to abide by the rule too.

Jobin: Parents must be careful not to weaponize the term “addiction.” It’s easy to criticize behaviors that seem different to us. Question what “addicted” actually means and whether the behavior actually is out of control.

If it’s clear there is a real addiction, start treating the technology like drugs and alcohol and try to remove it while introducing different coping mechanisms.

I suspect my teen is sexting. How do I address the situation?

Jobin: Flirting and sexuality are part of human development and a part of healthy teenagehood. Though we need to accept that technology and media of communication have changed, parents should have open conversations about how once naked pictures are sent, a person can never get them back. Parents must ensure their teens are aware of the dangers, as teens often have invincibility complexes.

I love both of my children, but I relate better with one because we have more in common. Does that make me a bad parent? How can I make sure my other child doesn’t feel less loved?

Lau: Relating based on commonalities is different than loving one more. It’s normal; parents are humans, and humans gravitate toward people we feel more similar to.

Children often feel more comfortable talking about certain subjects with one parent than another. Whom you gravitate toward, just like with friends, always can change. But recognizing that you have a bias is important so you can be aware. You don’t want to cause unintentional harm.