Manuel Balce Ceneta / AP
President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump cheer after lighting the 2017 National Christmas Tree during a lighting ceremony at the Ellipse near the White House onThursday, Nov. 30, 2017. With the president and the first lady are hosts for the event Kathie Lee Gifford and actor Dean Cain.
Monday, Dec. 25, 2017 | 2 a.m.
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It’s been a long and turbulent year in politics, but the sounds of the holiday season prompted us to have a little fun with the news. With that, we present our 2017 cracked Christmas carols.
•••
“We Make Toxic Chemicals” (Sung to the tune of “Jolly Old St. Nicholas”)
We make toxic chemicals, and we say hooray!
We love what is going on in the EPA
Scott Pruitt’s been great for us, so has Donald Trump
Here’s a little sampling of what they’ll let us dump:
This one turns the water orange, this one makes it gray
This one makes your eyeballs sting from a mile away
This one causes acid rain, this one blisters paint
This one says it’s harmless but you can’t bet it ain’t
We make toxic chemicals, and we’re working fast
We know this insanity in D.C. won’t last
•••
“So You Say There Was a War on Christmas?” (Sung to the tune of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”)
So you say there was a war on Christmas
Really? Where was I?
I had no idea that things had gone awry
I could swear that saying “Merry Christmas!”
Never was a crime
I sure hope not, ‘cause I said it all the time
Was I not seeing Christmas cards
And displays in yards and shops?
Wasn’t I hearing caroling?
Where were all the Christmas cops?
I had trees; I dolled them up with tinsel
So now I’m perplexed
How come no one hauled me in and said “Confess!”
And why don’t I remember this supposed mess?
•••
“Twitter Hell” (Sung to the tune of “Silver Bells”)
(Chorus)
Twitter hell
Twitter hell
It’s 5 a.m. in the White House
Crazy-pants unhinged rants
Soon will be coming our way
Michael Moore or Schwarzenegger, maybe Joe Scarborough
No one knows who he might choose to feud with.
Fabrications, palpitations, lots of upper-cased text.
This is where we wind up every day
(Repeat chorus)
•••
“All I Want for Christmas is Truth” (Sung to the tune of “All I Want for Christmas is You”)
(Picking up at the up-tempo portion after the ballad-like intro)
Those Republicans in Congress
Think I’m dumber than a stick
When they say “Our tax proposals
Aren’t a handout for the rich”
That’s baloney, we all know it
You can’t fool us all the time
Santa Claus, please come and help me
I’m about to lose my mind
I just want some honesty
Santa, work your magic, please
Stop all their fake news
All I want for Christmas is truth
•••
“Let ‘em Stay!” (Sung to the tune of “Let it Snow”)
It’s a source of intense frustration
That the Dreamers’ situation
Is still unresolved today.
Let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay!
Well, their parents made the decision,
When coming here, to bring them
They grew up in the U.S.A.
Let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay!
If we put ourselves in their shoes
Could we heartlessly send them away?
No, I think that we would refuse
And stand up for them today
Well, our sympathy and compassion
Is what makes us a great nation
So call your senator and say
Let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay, let ‘em stay!
