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November 23, 2014

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The Monday List (returns): The Top Eight text conversations from ‘Showbiz Roast’

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Christopher DeVargas

Marcus Deegan of Thunder From Down Under at Excalibur roasts Frank Marino during “Showbiz Roast” at Stratosphere Showroom on Friday, Oct. 4, 2013.

‘Showbiz Roast’ of Frank Marino

Las Vegas Sun reporter John Katsilometes takes the stage during the Showbiz Roast of Frank Marino inside the theater at the Stratosphere, Friday Oct 4, 2013. Proceeds from the event go toward Make-a-Wish of Southern Nevada. Launch slideshow »

We’re not so much resurrecting the Monday List as we are bringing it back to life.

Wait. That’s the same thing.

Regardless, the Monday List was a feature, long ago truncated, of the Kats Report that I rather liked but lost sight of — but no longer.

Inspired by the “Top 10 Headlines You’ll Never Read About Frank Marino” from Friday’s “Showbiz Roast” of the Quad headliner, we have an apt list with which to revive the Monday List.

This bears some explanation: In the days leading to the roast, show producer Andy Walmsley was engaged in a lot of highly uncommon text conversations with those involved in the show.

These folks included his assistant, Sam Ratcliffe; roastmaster and Planet Hollywood headliner Marc Savard; “Rock of Ages” star Mark Shunock; Thunder From Down Under star Marcus Deegan; music director Lon Bronson; and myself.

So we offer the Top Eight Text Conversations From the “Showbiz Roast” of Frank Marino (editing where prudent):

No. 8:

Ratcliffe: “Good news. We have gay nuns. Your idea that the male-voice choir be priests will really work now.”

Walmsley: “Fab. Can you pick up Starbucks? I need a vanilla latte, a bacon sandwich, lemon pound cake and liposuction.”

No. 7:

Ratcliffe: “Siegfried and Montecore will be at the office at 5. I'm going to pick up the cheerleader costumes on the way.”

Walmsley: “OK. Just had lunch with Marc Savard and Mateo from Criss Angel’s show. Can you also buy a maid apron, condoms and the biggest rubber (sex toy) you can find?”

No. 6:.

Walmsley: “Marc, I'm putting Jan Rouven in the front row so that Montecore can sniff out Germans as part of the shtick.”

Savard : “Hilarious.”

No. 5:

Walmsley: “I just went to look at the gay closet. Now my hands and car are covered in pink glitter. Can I talk you into wearing short shorts for when you burst out of it?”

Shunock: “I might have leather chaps.”

No. 4:

Walmsley: “Marcus, I think doing your roast as a poem is a brilliant idea, but can you rip your shirt off halfway through?”

Deegan: “No problem, mate, but I’m bloody nervous.”

Walmsley (after a long delay): “Sorry couldn't answer. I'm in a meeting with Meat Loaf. 'Jersey Boys' are also going to rip off their shirts to reveal rainbow T-shirts. You will reveal a six pack.”

No. 3:

Walmsley: “Lon, do you think you could talk the entire band into doing the roast in drag? It's No. 1 on my wish list.”

Bronson: “That’s a tough sell; I will try.”

No. 2:

Johnny Kats: “Got my dress lady night; it's beautiful.”

Walmsley: “I think you meant last night, but lady was appropriate. Freudian auto correct.”

Johnny Kats: “I have two dresses, a yak and a dream.”

Walmsley: “A yak??”

Johnny Kats: “No yaks.”

Walmsley: “The scary thing is that on this roast, that is not the weirdest text I have received.”

No. 1:

Walmsley: “Sam, I ordered the custom logo balloons, but there's a helium shortage. Can’t find anywhere that will rent us a tank. On the positive side, Leon Spinks is coming.”

Follow John Katsilometes on Twitter at Twitter.com/JohnnyKats. Also, follow “Kats With the Dish” at Twitter.com/KatsWiththeDish.

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