Thursday, April 25, 1996 | 11:59 a.m.
IT'S BEEN a grueling three days.
I've been spending all my free time on the telephone talking to recorded messages from Sotheby's in New York.
"Due to the heavy volume of calls, we're unable to connect your call at this time," the message drones on. Then the line goes dead.
What's all the commotion? It's about owning a piece of Camelot.
And I happen to be competing with every wealthy Kennedy wanna-be who has nothing better to do than bid $9,200 for a set of wicker baskets that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis probably used once at a picnic.
"It's crazy," said Gayle Fee, columnist for the Boston Herald. "You hear people say everyone's sick of the Kennedys. Well, I guess this proves them wrong."
Bruce Wolmer, editor-in-chief of Art & Auction magazine, said it's a "safe bet" that the ongoing Onassis sale would surpass Sotheby's 1987 Duchess of Windsor jewelry sale, which brought in $50 million.
At least that was real jewelry.
"Most of Jackie's stuff is costume jewelry," Fee said. "It's all junk, stuff that Caroline would never wear, and it's going to go for a zillion dollars."
As I talked to Fee, I began to realize it's a safe bet that I am never going to own a piece of Camelot.
OK, I know I would never be able to afford any of the scores of wooden rocking chairs that John F. Kennedy sat in at least once -- and now sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Heck, I couldn't even begin to afford Caroline's rocking horse, which fetched $85,000 this week.
Perhaps I could scrape together all my money and max out all my credit cards to place an absentee bid for a stained and chipped coffee cup that Jackie once hurled at Ari.
"Are you kidding?" Fee laughed. "They have cracked dishes that are offered at 50 bucks. They're going for $9,000."
Like JFK's golf bag, Jackie's living room furniture and John John's highchair, most of the stuff "looks like it's been ridden hard and put away wet," Fee said.
What is it about the Kennedys that makes people so crazy?
I wonder what JFK, who hated to spend money almost as much as he hated Fidel Castro, would have thought of all this.
Maybe by now, 32 years after he was assassinated, with $13 in his wallet, old Jack has finally made it to heaven -- having completed his sentence of three decades in purgatory for all his playful indiscretions with so many members of the opposite sex.
And maybe he's enjoying a good laugh while rocking in his chair and chomping on his favorite cigar.
He's probably thinking, "Too bad I can't throw this lighter down to Sotheby's. It would probably fetch a year's salary as president."
Well, at least he can take solace in the fact that 40 percent of the money his kids will make from this auction will go to Uncle Sam.
After all, ask not what your country can do for you...
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