Las Vegas Sun

August 18, 2017

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You won’t believe what the Democrats are up to

I was privileged recently to have been invited to a supersecret meeting convened this week by Democratic strategists hoping to engineer the takeover of the state Senate. I secretly recorded the session, which was held in a conference room in Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s office:

Minority Leader Steven Horsford: “So how about those polls?”

Democratic Party Executive Director Travis Brock: “They are very encouraging. We are within the margin of error against both Bob Beers and Joe Heck. Those guys have to be petrified.”

Horsford (chuckles, and points to Allison Copening and Shirley Breeden): “I think we should start calling both of them Senator pretty soon.”

(Copening and Breeden are sitting in a corner, both wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan: “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil.” Their mouths are covered with duct tape.)

Brock: “It’s looking more and more like McCain is tanking and our organization is going to make the difference. The Republicans can’t match us.”

Horsford: “So true. And I am so glad I signed on with Obama early on. He really is showing that he can transcend politics as usual and rise above all the crap. And can you believe that McCain was trying to duck that debate tonight? How can you not debate?”

Unidentified Horsford aide: “Um, boss, that rant about the presidential race is all well and good. But considering what we are doing to Heck and Beers in the mail and considering (gestures toward Breeden and Copening) we are not letting them debate, it might not be such a good message to put out in the public just now.”

Horsford: “Good point. But I can’t believe Heck and Beers’ whining about those mailers. Oh, boo hoo. Beers once made it seem like an opponent was an arsonist and Heck made Ann O’Connell out to be a taxer and spender. And we’re the liars?! Spare me.”

Brock: “Yeah, politics ain’t beanbag. So we accuse Beers of being in the pocket of a porn king and Heck of wanting women to get cervical cancer. As Al Davis used to say, “Just win, Baby.’ ”

Unidentified staffer: “But what about the media? Every time they write about the race they talk about how Allison and Shirley won’t debate and how we are distorting their records. Is it right?”

Horsford: “You know what’s not right? Another session with Bill Raggio running the Senate and blocking everything good that comes out of the Assembly. We need to do what we need to do to win. (Nods to Reid staffer.) Yes, I thought Harry’s idea to quietly support Sharron Angle in that primary against Bill was a little extreme. But I like that about Harry — he’s the Butch Cassidy of the Democratic Party: He’s always thinking.”

Brock: “Butch Cassidy! I like that, especially because there’s that scene where he says, ‘There are no rules’ and then he kicks the guy in the ... What a perfect analogy for what we are doing.”

Reid staffer: “Let’s be clear here. The senator may be afraid that Heck is going to run against him and he may fully support the notion that killing Heck and Beers now really hurts the Republicans. But he disavows all knowledge of the content of this campaign and does not know you are meeting in his office. OK?”

Horsford: “Of course. But did he have to call Heck? I know he loves to meddle, but we didn’t need that. Did he think Heck would believe him when he said he wasn’t involved? Did he think Heck wouldn’t run right to the media?”

(Reid staffer simply shakes head and sighs.)

Brock: “So, Steven, you think we can get away without doing any televised debates?”

(Copening and Breeden start to twitch.)

Horsford: “Oh, we might do one on public TV, but that’s Friday night and most people won’t see it. But that’s it. Period.”

(Copening and Breeden exhale under their duct tape.)

Unidentified Horsford staffer: “Just imagine: You are going to be majority leader — an African-American as the most powerful state lawmaker. I’d say that’s worth all of this, wouldn’t you?”

Horsford: “It’s all worth it if we can control the Legislature when (Gov. Jim) Gibbons tries to destroy the state next session. Only way we can stop him. I’d say that’s a greater good. Now I suppose we should take the duct tape off and let them have their lunch. Then it’s back to the undisclosed location for both of them. See you later. Need to go check in with Harry ... er, I mean, make a phone call.”

Recording ends.

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