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August 20, 2019

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Jon Ralston:

Who will win the game of ‘Congressional Survivor’?

Welcome to this week’s edition of “Congressional Survivor.” Here’s your host, a man born to be in front of the camera, Harry Reid!

Reid: “Welcome to the show. As you know, I’m in charge. And if you don’t know that, you’ll find out soon. So here we are on Democratic Party Island, where I decide who gets to stay and who gets to leave. It’s not like a regular ‘Survivor’ where you get to vote, contestants. The Democratic Party is not a democracy. (Chuckles in that Reid way.) So here’s what we have: Five of you want to run for three seats. So two of you have to go. I don’t do primaries. Understand?”

(Heckling is heard from audience. Voice heard saying, “You are not a dictator, Sen. Reid! What about freedom?”

Reid: “Freedom? That’s a good one. Could someone please throw Byron Georgiou out of here? Let’s get on with it. Make your pitches.”

State Senate Majority Leader Steven Horsford: “Everyone knows I wanted this from the beginning of the session. I’m ambitious. Just ask the president, Sen. Reid. He supports me.”

Reid: “Really? You think he remembers you?”

Ex-Rep. Dina Titus: “I’m not happy. I lost. I should have won. And I left UNLV, so now I need a job.”

Reid: “So I would have to deal with both you and Shelley, if she wins?”

Speaker John Oceguera: “I’m term-limited. The others aren’t. I need a job, too.”

Reid: “Are you using annual leave to be here?”

State Sen. Ruben Kihuen: “Hello, I’m Hispanic. That is all.”

Reid: “That may be all you need.”

State Sen. John Lee: “I’m rich. I know you like that, Senator.”

Reid: “Yes, but it would be better if you were a real Democrat.”

(A ruckus is heard off-camera. A voice yells, “Don’t listen to him! Reid is not the king!”)

Reid: “I thought I told you people to get Georgiou out of here. Let the debate begin. Who will survive?”

Titus: “Ever since you let your son run for the County Commission seat I wanted, you have snubbed me, Senator. I paid my dues. I’m always second fiddle in your mind. It’s always been, ‘Rory, Rory, Rory.’ I feel like Eve Plumb.”

Kihuen: “Sen. Titus, you had your chance and you lost. It’s time for a younger generation to take over. And, have I mentioned it yet? I’m Hispanic.”

Horsford: “Ruben, what did you do all session to deserve this? I barely remember you being there.”

Kihuen: “Well, Steven, at least I didn’t get everyone angry and almost cause a train wreck. Some leadership!”

Horsford: “Seriously, Ruben, were you even there? I vaguely remember some hearings about economic development where you let people go on and on and you were painfully solicitous. That qualifies you to run for Congress?”

Kihuen: “Need I mention it again? I’m Hispanic.”

Reid: “I noticed. What about you, Mr. Speaker. How do you get over all that firefighter baggage and getting paid during the session? Imagine what Joe Heck will do with that.”

Oceguera: “Come on, Senator! That’s just NPRI and the R-J. You know how they are. They always have their facts wrong and go after Democrats. You beat them by using Medicare and Social Security. All we have to do is scare the seniors in the district and they won’t care about that other stuff.”

Lee: “With all due respect to the speaker, even though I have don’t have much respect for him since he stole my gun bill, he’s just too damaged to win. I’m a business guy, Senator. I’m a Mormon (winks at Reid). I’m a moderate. Who do you think beats Joe Heck — the speaker or me?”

Oceguera: “Seriously, John? You think you can beat me in a primary. I don’t think you have one position a Democratic primary voter supports. Other than that, you are potent.”

(Once again, noise is heard off-camera. “I was on the financial commission! You used to like me, Senator. I can win!”)

Reid: “That Georgiou sure is determined. But, trust me: He will not survive. But that’s another show. This one is more difficult because there are no lines drawn yet and all you people are out there looking for my blessing.”

Titus (with a mischievous smile): “With your mystical powers, I thought you might be drawing the lines somehow, Senator.”

Reid: “Well, if Steven and John hadn’t been so busy hiding their tax plan all session, maybe they could have made a deal on redistricting and we wouldn’t be here now. As it is, I think I have to wait to see how the lines are drawn before I decide which of you get to find other potential careers. In the meantime, I need to deal with this Georgiou problem. Thanks for watching, everyone.”

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