If only Carson caucuses had no mute buttons

By Jon Ralston

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 | 2:01 a.m.

News item: New York Sen. Chuck Schumer is caught instructing colleagues on talking points before a conference call starts: “I always use the word ‘extreme.’ That is what the caucus instructed me to use this week.”

The incident got me thinking, and not just about whether many D.C. Democrats wish they could mute Schumer. I wondered what would happen if Carson City reporters could hear what goes on in legislative caucuses right before media events or releases.

I bet it’s something like this:

Assembly Democrats

Speaker John Oceguera: “We need to go out there and not commit to anything yet. You can say revenue, but not taxes.”

Majority Leader Marcus Conklin: “I agree.”

Speaker Pro Tem Debbie Smith: “You agree? It’s stupid. They know we want to raise taxes.”

Majority Whip William Horne: “Forget that. The gaming industry hates me. What am I going to do?”

Assistant Leader Marilyn Kirkpatrick: “Oh, buck up, William. Just tell them the same two words I tell local governments.”

Lucy Flores: “Speaking for the freshmen and for the Latina caucus, we will not be in the back of the bus. We will be heard.”

Oceguera: “OK, what’s your plan, Lucy?”

Flores: “We have to do something.”

Smith: “Yes, let’s try that, John. Let’s tell the press, ‘We will do something.’ That ought to hold them.”

Oceguera: “See why less is better, everyone? So we are agreed: We’ll brag about our bills of the week, but dodge everything substantive. Go team!”

Assembly Republicans

Minority Leader Pete Goicoechea: “I need to tell everyone that the governor says we have to stick with him. So that’s our message, OK? I don’t like it all that much, but we have a job to do. And I’m sick of those bloggers attacking me.”

Assistant Leader Lynn Stewart: “Why wouldn’t we support the governor, Pete? He’s a Republican, right?”

Minority Whip Tom Grady: “We know that, Lynn. But unlike you, Pete and I come from rural Nevada. If they want to take away our stuff, it’s pretty easy.”

Goicoechea: “It’s just he made that no-new-taxes promise, and now we all have to live by it. We don’t make promises we can’t keep where I come from. So we just have to keep talking about reform, and maybe we’ll talk.”

Minority Whip Mark Sherwood: “But will we talk, Pete?”

Goicoechea: “Of course we will. Just don’t tell the governor.”

Senate Democrats

Majority Leader Steven Horsford: “OK, it’s time for me — for us — to be the bad cop again because the Assembly won’t talk as tough as we will. So I’ll be saying stuff like ‘the governor talks about shared sacrifice but he doesn’t want anyone but the less fortunate to share.’ It’s all about the framing.”

John Lee: “Does that mean we will raise taxes? Because I want to run for Congress and that could hurt me.”

Mike Schneider: “Well, I might run for Congress, too, and I’m on board.”

Horsford: “Um, I might, too. But gentlemen, we need to have a united front. Can’t you just pretend for the press. That’s half the battle. We need to keep pounding away so the governor is irrelevant and then we can get our votes.”

Assistant Leader Valerie Wiener: “But who can you get, Steven?”

Horsford: “Well, there’s that guy Raggio got appointed — Bower, Brewer, something like that. And Warren Hardy will be there.”

Assistant Whip Mo Denis: “That’s Joe Hardy, Steven.”

Horsford: “Whatever. He’ll be there.”

Assistant Whip Sheila Leslie: “I’m more worried about Lee and Schneider than Hardy or Brower. Of course if Brower runs for Congress, forget about him voting for taxes.”

Lee: “Wait a minute, Sheila …”

Horsford (interrupting): “Now, now. This isn’t helpful. Now one of my assistants will hand out the talking points so you can all stay on message. If anyone asks about taxes, just look toward me. I’ll pull out a chart and cause a diversion.”

Senate Republicans

Minority Leader Mike McGinness: “So here we go again, supporting the governor. Everyone got it?”

Assistant Leader Barbara Cegavske: “Count me in. No new taxes.”

Ben Kieckhefer: “Anyone at all worried about the cuts? You know, they are pretty deep.”

Cegavske: “What are you, young man? A RINO? Can we kick him out? Or punish him? Like we did to Bill Raggio? That was cool.”

Minority Whip James Settelmeyer: “Now, now, Barbara. I am worried about the cuts, too. And if they want, they could really hurt us in the rurals. I’m not saying we make a deal now, but we may have to at some point.”

Cegavske: “No way. No how. Not I.”

Elizabeth Halseth: “I agree. What she said.”

Joe Hardy: “But when do we make the deal and what do we get?”

McGinness: “Anyone have Raggio’s number?”