Friday, March 21, 1997 | 11:59 a.m.
Wanton TV godlessness, celebrity lawsuits, the kissability of Rosie O'Donnell -- our dunce card is full today, so let's go! First up: bad TV, bad, bad TV! After surveying 804 of America's 250 million residents, a new poll concludes that the medium is swirling down the moral toilet. Sex! Death! Ruthless cartoon robber barons! Two-thirds of us apparently want to see more prime-time spirituality, more shows speaking to moral issues -- as if the "Seinfeld" masturbation episode had never happened! According to the poll, commissioned by TV Guide, adultery is TV's No. 1 broken commandment, followed closely by murder. And maybe it's time TV gave us nicer bad guys: respondents singled out evil "Simpsons" tycoon Montgomery Burns as the TV character most likely to go to hell, or as they surely put it, "H-E-double hockey sticks." That sound you just heard was satire going over 804 heads. It's hard to know just what the pollees are complaining about; last week's Top 20 was dominated by harmless, morally neutral fare like "Friends," "Home Improvement" and a raft of newsmagazines. There is a point of light in TV's pixel wasteland: CBS' "Touched by an Angel," which polled as the most spiritually rich show on TV. The second: ABC's "Family Matters" -- the show that gave us the ultra-spiritual Urkel.
Briefly
*Ellen: Out. Gay advertising during "Ellen": Out of the question. This ought to make 804 TV viewers happy: ABC has turned down a gay-rights group hoping to air an anti-discrimination commercial during the upcoming coming-out episode of "Ellen." The network says it doesn't run issue-oriented ads.
*The normally easygoing Jimmy Buffett isn't going easy on a restaurant in Hawaii that calls itself Cheeseburger in Paradise. Saying the phrase was pirated from his 1978 song, he's suing for unspecified damages and a name change. The restaurateurs aren't budging. They claim they adopted the name before Buffett trademarked it.
Breath star
It seems millions of people -- well, hundreds anyway -- are poised over their bathroom sinks, tongues and teeth still gummy with morning breath, waiting for Rosie O'Donnell to tell them what mouthwash to use. Ever since a gimmicky poll released by the Scope mouthwash people named O'Donnell one of America's least kissable celebs, the talk-show queen has been on the anti-Scope warpath. "Remember, just say nope to Scope," she said during a recent show. She's taken to vigorously flacking Listerine instead. And viewers are following her lead! Listerine says more than 100 people have sent the company e-mail saying they'll no longer wash their mouths out with Scope. Listerine is riding this publicity bonanza, taking out ads featuring O'Donnell and donating to charities every time she kisses someone on her show, which is happening with increasing frequency. Why aren't the 804 TV watchdogs complaining about that?
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