Friday, Dec. 18, 1998 | 11:40 a.m.
Tune into the tunes:
* Who can turn the world on with her smile?
* You wanna go where everybody knows your name. ...
* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played. ...
* Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance. ...
* A horse is a horse ...
* Keep Manhattan, just gimme that countryside. ...
* They're creepy and they're kooky ...
* Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale. ...
This column's regular readers know that TV theme songs warm the cockles of this columnist's cold, callous heart, which explains "Croon a Tune," the trivia contest at the back end of this rant every week.
I really love 'em. And, in an era in which they are largely ignored -- remnants of a leisurely, pre-clicker era in which programmers weren't paranoid that we'd tune out during the tune -- I really miss 'em.
While many themes are instantly forgettable, a select few are stick-to-your-ribs classics, immediately reminding us, with perhaps only a note or two, of a show that rests forever gently in our hearts.
Later in the column, I'll ask all of you to submit your list of classic TV themes, which we'll try to print in this column in January. As a point of comparison, here's one critic's list of the 25 most recognizable TV themes ever, in Letterman-like ascending order:
25) "The Jackie Gleason Show": Not to be confused with "The Honeymooners" theme, this achingly beautiful musical signature for Gleason's Miami-based variety show -- as the camera glided over the gorgeous beaches of South Florida -- was written by Gleason and titled "Melancholy Serenade."
24) "The Brady Bunch": So the one day when this sitcom met this theme song, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch; that this dreck should someday form a classic; that's the way we all got stuck with "The Brady Bunch."
23) "American Bandstand": Just try listening to this infectious confection -- originally a big band hit by Les Elgart called "Bandstand Boogie" -- and not see Clearasil-covered faces mugging for the camera and begging for Dick Clark's attention. Barry Manilow provided lyrics -- "we're goin' hoppin', we're goin' hoppin' today, where things are poppin' the Philadelphia way" -- in the '70s.
22) "Batman": Decades later, I still can't get "Battattattattaattaattaattat!" outta my head -- and I'll get 'em for it. Composed by Neal Hefti.
21) "Star Trek": Swashbuckling, romantic, with a dash of the operatic, the original series' theme is still the franchise's strongest calling card, the more march-style "Next Generation" theme notwithstanding. The original theme was composed by Alexander Courage, arranger for the Boston Pops.
20) "Mr. Ed": When you say, "a horse is a horse," you've said it all. It was sung by co-composer Jay Livingston, who had to convince producers not to shelve the tune.
19) "The Addams Family": A finger-snappy classic that put three simple words -- "neat, sweet, petite" -- to excellent use. Written by prolific TV tunesmith Vic Mizzy.
18) "Green Acres": Dahling, I love it, but gimme Park Avenue -- and Eva Gabor, the funniest, fizziest, freshest voice to ever grace a sitcom soundtrack. Another Mizzy masterpiece.
17) "Perry Mason": A big, beautiful -- and hauntingly ominous -- thunderclap of a theme song by Fred Steiner. No wonder Perry never lost a case. (well, maybe once.)
16) "Dragnet": His name (dum-de-dum-dum!) is Friday. He's a cop. And this is the song -- granite-jawed, relentless and totally tuneless -- that put The Big Blue on the musical map.
15) "Happy Days": If you can remember the seven days of the week, you can remember this one -- endlessly, into rerun eternity -- but only after dispatching with the early episodes, which used Bill Haley's "Rock Around the Clock."
14) "The Love Boat": It's not exciting and new anymore. But it is a classic, courtesy of singer Jack Jones.
13) "Hawaii Five-O": The pounding waves. The pounding drums. The heart-racing rhythm. Mort Stevens' tune, as performed by The Ventures, was downright addictive. Book it. Aloha.
12) "All in the Family": Once they clearly enunciated "Gee our old LaSalle ran great," it joined the pantheon of the giants.
11) "Mission: Impossible": Light the fuse, baby.
10) "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" ("Johnny's Theme"): From the opening drum solo to the silly closing of "shave and a haircut -- two bits," this instrumental classic -- credited to Johnny Carson "with help from Paul Anka" -- was a swingin' latenight lullaby for three decades.
9) "The Andy Griffith Show": You know how to whistle, don'cha? Ya just put your lips together and blow, just like composer Earle Hagen did on this classic, titled "The Fishin' Hole."
8) "Gilligan's Island": A three-hour song. ... A three-hour song. By the same American original -- producer Sherwood Schwartz -- who gave us "The Brady Bunch" and its theme.
7) "The Beverly Hillbillies": The poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. The ratings, however, were a different matter. Y'all come back now, ya hear? They did -- week after week after week. And "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" lives on -- decade after decade after decade.
6) "M*A*S*H": The whirr of the helicopters, the bouncy-but-bittersweet strains of Johnny Mandel's "Suicide is Painless" as Hawkeye & Co. bent over prone bodies on choppers. "M*A*S*H" was on the air. Is on the air. Will always be on the air.
5) "The Mary Tyler Moore Show": What can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it's this theme, and you should know it, by Sonny Curtis.
4) "Cheers": Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your theme.
3) "The Twilight Zone": Try finding an eerier cadence than ... dee-dee-dee-dee ... or is it do-do-do-do?
2) "Bonanza": "We gotta right to pick a little fight, BO-NAN-ZA!" The rest of the words escape me, but you probably know the rest of the melody.
1) "I Love Lucy": Luceeeee -- I dan't thin you have any 'splainin' to do on this choice. As Desi sang in the little-known lyrics: "Life is heaven, you see, 'cause I love Lucy, yes I love Lucy, and Lu-cy loves me."
To submit your personal list of your most memorable TV themes of all time, write to: Steve Bornfeld, Dial File, Las Vegas Sun, 800 S. Valley View Blvd., Las Vegas, NV. 89107; or e-mail to: [email protected]. Please number your choices in order of preference and include your name, address and daytime telephone number.
It'll put a song in your heart.
Croon a Tune: You're a regular riot, readers -- A REGULAR RIOT! But only first caller Joe Lacy and fellow Tune Crooner Leo Limuaco took that BANG-ZOOM! trip to the moon for knowing the lush instrumental theme to "The Honeymooners" -- titled "You're My Greatest Love" -- composed by The Great One himself, Jackie Gleason.
In addition to compiling your top TV themes list, give our weekly tune-athon another try by dialing Dial File at 259-4012 (it will pick up after four rings) for this week's memorable melody.
Why, it's as easy as, say, learning to play golf, a la Ed Norton.
First, plant your feet firmly and address the ball ...
Helllllooooooo, Ball. ...
Cup o' cheer, then disappear: That's the holiday prescription for Dial File, the author of which will be digging into his sizable supply of eggnog to brighten his already-reddened beak so he can lead Santa's sleigh. Or, to put it another way: Dial File will be off for the next two Fridays -- Christmas Day and New Year's Day -- as the Accent section takes the holidays off.
Pass the Vicks Vapo-Rub, Prancer. ... And see ya in Double-Niner.
Play us out, Maestro: Burt Reynolds? A synonym for "career in arrears." After years of excoriating himself -- and rightly so -- for larding his career with macho cop/tough guy/good 'ol boy roles that sent him into professional free fall ("Smoky and the Bandit," "Cannonball Run" and countless knockoffs) the talented Reynolds ("Deliverance," "Starting Over") bounced back with a truly complex role, and an Oscar nomination, for "Boogie Nights."
Then Burt boogied right back to Backwardsville by playing ... a tough, maverick cop in TNT's "Hard Time," the first movie in a cable trilogy, playing this month.
Donations may be sent to The Help Put Burt Reynolds' Agent Through High School Foundation, care of this column.
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