Thursday, March 26, 1998 | 9:16 a.m.
BILLY MADE IT Crystal-clear: Viva variety!
As bloated, banal and bone-crushingly boring as the Oscars can be -- and often are, all three-plus-hours-that-seem-like-30 of them -- host Crystal reminded me, if only in spurts, how much I miss TV variety shows.
Crystal recalled it all in Oscar's opening moments, belting out "It's a Wonderful Night for Oscar -- Oscar, Oscar!" brimming with gusto, playing to the back of the house and the back of the world with a bravado that would make any old-time vaudevillian flush with pride. Jolson-style, You-Ain't-Heard-Nothin'-Yet! showmanship -- and not a stale, sitcomized laugh track in earshot. Entertainment, fresh out of the can.
Then, of course, the bizarre award bazaar began.
Unfortunately, in today's sitcom-stuffed TV galaxy, these vanity-riddled, I-thank-you-from-the-bottom-of-my-ego awards shows -- Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Grammy, People's Choice, CableAce, American Comedy Awards, SAG Awards, Blockbuster Awards, Your Momma Wears Combat Boots Awards, you name it -- are the only real remnant we have left of that much-missed (by me, anyway) genre. Unless, of course, you include Leno, Letterman & Co., whose shows are part talk, part shtick.
For the real thing, you have to reach back to shows hosted by Ed Sullivan, Dean Martin, Sonny & Cher, Flip Wilson, Nat King Cole, Jackie Gleason, Red Skelton, "The Hollywood Palace." Tuxedoed singers and dancing bears. Operatic arias and spinning plates. Borscht-belt comedians and T-shirted rockers. A pop culture kaleidoscope of often mind-blowing mixtures. An entertainment stew that let you taste a bit of everything in an hour's time -- even the exotically-flavored show biz dishes you never knew you couldn't do without, until you experienced them.
Such lovely surprises -- born of enforced exposure, variety's greatest attribute -- are rare now. These days, there's no real need for entertainment hours because your cable box, en masse, is one voracious variety show, with everyone fixated on the act of their choice. You want dancing bears? You probably won't have to wait long for The Dancing Bears Channel -- "Don't miss 'Grizzly Bears on Ice' at 8 p.m., followed by 'Christmas with Those Madcap Polar Bears" at 10!' " Or, perhaps, Spinning Dishware Central: "Today at 4, join us for 'Juggling Crystal Goblets IV-- Live From Disneyland!' "
Cable TV's explosion both creates and reflects our increasingly selfish, narrow, niche-crazed culture. Variety shows? Whaddaya, nuts? Why should I waste three minutes of my time waiting for that talentless slug you like to get the hell off the stage before the really good stuff -- the stuff I like -- comes on?
Not much reason to anymore ... except that you might -- just might -- learn to like it.
Ratings Trek: Generations: It's a topsy-turvy network world we live in. For years, most of the networks have lusted after younger viewers -- with the notable exception of CBS, which courted viewers who actually had outgrown Clearasil. Now, CBS is boasting a series development slate that's heavy on Gen X appeal, while NBC is making respectful noises toward America's senior class. The Peacock People announced plans for a special, hosted by Tom Brokaw, on the generation now in their 70s and 80s who survived the Great Depression and carried America to victory in World War II.
Apparently convinced that hyperbole is the best way to apologize for neglect, NBC is tentatively titling it "The Greatest Generation That Ever Lived." Absolutely no disrespect intended toward that stand-up generation -- which yielded my wonderful parents and an American society built on solid values, hard work, decency and sacrifice, all of which sometimes seemed to have been trampled in the Baby Boomer/ Baby Buster stampede -- but "The Greatest Generation That Ever Lived"?
Fortunately, all those Americans who launched America into existence by battling the British in the Revolutionary War are probably dead. Odds are slim that they'll be shivering in Valley Forge tents and surfing the remote, only to be told by Tom that creating what would become the greatest democracy on Earth doesn't quite cut the mustard by NBC standards.
Same for the folks who fought and died in the Civil War to bring an end to slavery, one of the most horrific, inhuman practices ever to shame the world. Oops! Sorry -- you simply had the bad taste to exist around the year 100 B.T.V. (Before Television). Disqualified.
Memo to NBC: It's sweet that you want to atone for past snubs to a noble generation that changed the diapers of most of your executives between standing up to Hitler and staving off starvation. But either change the title or take your blinders off. History actually dates back farther than the day you were born.
SURFIN' THE SCENE: Channel 10 came up $31,000 short in its March on-air pledge drive, netting $219,000 while shooting for $250,000. However, the station "expects that its direct mail campaign will generate an additional $300,000 in membership renewals and $60,000 in new memberships." The top-performing programs were "The Rolling Stones Bridges to Babylon Concert," "Frank Sinatra: The Very Good Years," "Michael Crawford in Concert," "Riverdance Live in New York City" and "Suze Orman's Nine Steps to Financial Freedom."...
Jack "The Rapper" Gibson of KCEP Radio in Las Vegas will be among the guests at a brunch honoring legendary DJs at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland on April 2. Expected from Los Angeles are Dick Clark, Robert W.Morgan, Art Laboe and Casey Kasem. For those of us -- yours truly included -- who remember the salad days of New York rock radio in the '50s and '60s, the attendees include Joey Reynolds, Hal Jackson and those jaunty jive-talkers who defined "Chime Time" on the mighty WABC-AM, including "Cousin Brucie!" Morrow, Harry Harrison, Scott Muni and the Very Best DJ To Ever Walk The Earth, Dan Ingram.
"DOUBLE-U A B C -- C-H-I-M-E!"
CROON A TUNE: Strike up the band! Release the balloons! Shoot off the fireworks! Why? Because we've got a repeat winner -- that's why! Yes, recent immigrant NobaDee -- who claimed the prize once before when nobody stepped forward -- has done it again, correctly identifying our theme of the week. NobaDee knew that the instrumental music for an acclaimed cop series that began with haunting piano chords and a dispatcher's voice announcing "Armed robbery in progress, a surplus store, corner of People's Drive and 124th St." was from that bluesy "Hill Street" theme.
In the elegant prose of Det. Mick "The Biter" Belker: Congratulations, Hairball! And remember: NobaDee does it better.
Next? What movie-turned-classic-TV series theme was optimistically subtitled "Suicide is Painless"? Don't kill yourself over it, but being the first correct caller or e-mailer will certainly prove that you're willing to go that extra Dial File Mile to get your name in the newspaper. As always, please provide the spelling of your name, a daytime phone number and a signed, blank check (OK, that last part is optional -- but it would be a wonderful gesture on your part).
HEY BABY: Do you remember the computer-generated baby that boogied with "Ally McBeal's" conflicted psyche -- the old Working Out Unresolved Issues of Unfulfilled Mommyhood Mambo -- in the same episode with the sizably-sized male nude model? (if you haven't seen this series yet -- have we got your attention?)
Well, that twinkle-toed tot is hot-footing it back to Fox as the network's May mascot for sweeps. Junior will be seen in a variety of spots to help promote Fox shows, including hoofing on police cars to raise awareness of "Cops."
Knowing Fox -- and our own fad-addled culture -- look for the itsy-bitsy Astaire to headline his/her own series soon, followed, no doubt, by a feature film. However, in the tradition of TV stars not playing their characters in the movie versions, the hunt will be on for an even fresher face.
Open auditions will be conducted via ultrasound.
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