Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | 8:12 a.m.
There may be some light on the horizon for the studiously slothful.
An Associated Press report published Monday says a study shows children could suffer long-term back problems from walking to school with poorly fitting backpacks loaded with books.
Undoubtedly students of many districts across the United States, including Clark County's, often don't have enough textbooks to go around and therefore won't suffer. A book can't hurt you if it isn't there to carry home.
This was always my goal, although I rarely succeeded.
"Do your homework."
"Can't. I forgot my book."
"Then call Julie and borrow hers."
Backpacks didn't become the book bag of choice until I was in college. (Yes, yes, before that we simply loaded them into the old buckboard and hollered "Giddyap!" Smartypants.)
We toted them home under an arm, cradled them as if they were babies or dumped them in a bicycle basket. What we lacked in back pain we made up for in inconvenience.
How much easier it would have been if the conversation at home could have gone something like:
"Do your homework."
"Can't. There weren't enough textbooks to go around. My turn is tomorrow."
Or:
"Do your homework."
"Can't. The orthopedist said my math book is too heavy, remember? I can't do any homework until the school district chooses a skinnier book. You don't want me to grow up and have chronic back pain, do you?"
We had no government studies arming us against parental inquiries. We had only the same lame excuses used by our parents, our parents' parents and the parents before them.
Forgot it.
Lost it.
Someone took it.
My stomach hurts.
However, youths hoping to use this back-pain ruse to trade algebra for another hour of "Nick at Nite" need to know that the AP also cites a report saying there is no link between back pain and backpacks.
"Being overweight, not getting exercise and watching a lot of television also raised the risks," the report says.
Now, now, this doesn't mean an end to French ... I mean ... "freedom" fries.
It doesn't belittle the heavy backpack argument so much as point out the need for an expensive gym membership and a car to get you there -- a really safe new car with air bags, air conditioning, plenty of room for carrying school books and a high-quality compact disc player so you can maximize time by listening to books on CD. "Spin" is your verb.
The lasting benefit of conflicting reports, studies and research is that a new excuse has emerged for generations of students trying the oldest trick in the book.
According to the AP, story researchers may never be able to conclude whether overloaded backpacks carried in youth result in chronic back pain in adulthood.
The experts can't find enough kids who don't carry packs and enough adults who don't have back pain to do a study.
So as Mother always says: Better safe than sorry.
Score.
Pass the Cheetos. Gilligan awaits.
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