Squeeze some bacon on it! Wait, what?

Pass the pig in a bottle, please.

By Ken Miller (contact)

Thursday, April 9, 2009 | midnight

We’re in the age of Cheez Whiz. The McRib sandwich. Meat you can spread on a cracker. So what is so truly funny about the notion of bacon from a bottle? The folks at thinkgeek.com thought to include this fictional product on their site as an April Fools’ joke, but I, for one, couldn’t help but think that it was just the next natural progression in the American diet.

And why not? After all, we’ve proven as a country that we have no compunction about stuffing lab-produced crap down our pieholes! So let’s go whole hog, pun completely intended.

The “advertisement” for Squeez Bacon does nothing to quiet that voice in my head. The degree of detail is stunning: A shelf life of 12 years, no refrigeration necessary, made from “U.S.-bred swine,” even a minute-long video showing the possible uses. Stick it on a shelf, slap a ridiculously expensive price on it, and I’m there.