Thursday, March 5, 1998 | 10:05 a.m.
WARNING: Dead Celebs Ahead.
And they're pretty frisky, all things considered.
Apparently, death is no longer a deterrent to appearing on television -- and we're not talking reruns, either.
The Ghosts of TV Past are everywhere: Fred Astaire twirls a vacuum cleaner around the dance floor. Elvis pops up in a Pizza Hut commercial. In promotional spots, Jackie Gleason yuks it up with Ray Romano and Lucille Ball clowns with Fran Drescher.
Over at UPN, "The Virtual Ed Sullivan Show" -- with a host who, despite being dead for 24 years, will (sort of) return to his original job description -- will air in May. Old Stone Face, as he was affectionately known, will be resurrected as a "Virtual Ed," a computer-animated likeness of His Really Big Shewness, voiced and motioned by comedian Jon Byner, one of the world's great Sullivan take-off artists. Byner will wear a "full motion body suit" backstage, where a computer will blend his voice and movements with the virtual image.
Not enough grave-robbing for you? Then cast an eye toward CBS, which in May will scare up enough spooks to warrant a rerun of "Ghostbusters." To celebrate its 50th anniversary, the network will plop its past stars into current series.
Of course, you don't have to actually die to be considered a ghost. Other spots will feature current stars interacting with their long-dead characters. Dick Van Dyke, as Rob Petrie, will ham it up with his current character, Dr. Mark Sloan of "Diagnosis Murder." And Bob Newhart of "George & Leo" will frolic (as much as Newhart ever frolics) with both of his previous creations, psychologist Bob Hartley and innkeeper Dick Loudon.
All in fun, right? Just a kick to see the stars of yesteryear upgraded to contemporary status, right? A link to a cherished past, right? Not meant to be taken seriously, right?
Well, not to be a killjoy -- no offense to the hallowed dead -- but this feels false on several fronts. For one thing, even in death, relegating great stars such as Lucy and Gleason to second banana status feels like a crime against comedy. That's especially true when we're expected to believe that the top bananas are Fran Drescher -- who shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath with Lucy, never mind being seen in the same scene -- and Ray Romano.
Secondly, it comes off as unconvincing and contrived: Watch Gleason bellow at Romano and try not to imagine Romano's hangdog puss morphing into Art Carney's goofy mug or Audrey Meadows' exasperated scowl. Problem is, it's Romano's show they're trying to promote by foolishly comparing the two. Reminding us of how he pales against Gleason's greatness -- at least at this stage of Romano's career -- isn't a sure-fire selling point.
Thirdly, what's being subconsciously palmed off on us as flattering to these legends -- see how we revere these incredible talents? -- is simply an excuse for advertising. They're not being honored. They're being used.
And finally, despite the consent of the families/estates of the late stars, it just feels like flat-out desecration. Fred Astaire's family might not mind -- and be well-compensated for -- seeing the grace and elegance of a generation's icon altered to sell vacuum cleaners to baby boomers and Gen-Xers. It's a free country based on free enterprise, after all.
That doesn't change the fact that Astaire's dance routines were works of art -- and the commercial is a punk armed with spray paint.
Ed Sullivan made TV history introducing the Beatles and trading bons mots with Topo Gigio -- not welcoming the Frantic Flattops and swapping quips with Bobcat Goldthwait. Air the reruns into eternity. Create a new show with a new host. But let Ed rest in peace.
He made a significant contribution to the pop culture of his era and he's no longer here -- in this age of astounding technological capabilities -- to safeguard his image from monumental manipulation. He deserves better.
So do they all.
THIS & THAT: The USA Network has commissioned a new series titled "Vegas: The Life," a reality program that, in the style of MTV's "The Real World," will "focus on the public and private lives of 10 colorful people who work at a Las Vegas resort." Says an announcement: "The show will follow them documentary-style, at work and at home, to give the television audience a unique glimpse of the stories that make up the complex, colorful fabric of the Las Vegas Strip." The producers are in negotiations with several local hotel-casinos to choose one as the series backdrop. ...
A note for foot fetishists: TV Land has added "My Three Sons" -- featuring those famous tapping toes during the theme -- to its lineup (6:30 and 10:30 p.m. weeknights, and a 20-episode marathon Saturday night starting at 8 p.m.). Another TV Land note: During NBC's "Seinfeld" finale, as both a "tribute" and a practical response to the expected gargantuan Seinfeldian viewership, the cable outlet has scheduled ... Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Jerry would be proud. ...
Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione (see today's Accent story) will discuss his "lifetime retrospective exhibition" at the Las Vegas Art Museum on Cable 42 today from 5:30 to 6 p.m. ... Hunter Tylo has joined the lathered-up list of soap stars who will be in town for the "SoapExpo '98" in June. ...
In case you haven't caught up yet, Prime Cable has pulled a switcheroo on its channel lineup. Here are the notable changes: The Prevue Guide moves to Channel 14, bumping The Weather Channel to Channel 44; Shopaholic Central, otherwise known as QVC, settles in at Channel 16, bouncing the USA Network to Channel 34; CSPAN brings down the gavel at Channel 17, sending Fox Sports West schlepping over to Channel 49; and Las Vegas One takes up residence at Channel 39 in April. The complete, revamped schedule was mailed to subscribers.
CROON A TUNE: Reader James Cartwright would never schlep away on an elephant named Shep. Or even one named Murray, for that matter. But he was the first to point out that the theme to George, George, "George of the Jungle" told of how our klutzy, tree-hugging hero would do his jungle jive, and then "away he'll schlep on his elephant Shep." Well done, James. If I miss my regular CAT bus, I'll look for you on the 4:05 Shep. If I'm late, make it the 5:20 Murray. (I'll bring the peanuts).
Next? What theme declared that "now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat"? Be the first to have a stunning epiphany, the name of the series theme revealed to you through a wondrous burst of spiritual enlightenment, then share this miraculous moment with us -- via phone or e-mail -- and your name will be inscribed for the ages in the Book of Dial File.
Brothers and sisters: Say HALLELUJAH!
'LOVE' WON'T HURT ANYMORE: Robert "Vega$" Urich -- who apparently has more TV series on his resume than socks in his sock drawer -- has been tabbed to star as the new captain of "The Love Boat" in an updated series titled "The Love Boat: The New Wave." It debuts April 13 on UPN, which is MIA in LV now that ex-UPN station KUPN dumped UPN and grabbed the WB from KFBT, which declined to pick up UPN's DOA programming, excepting, of course, "Star Trek: Voyager" ("ST:V") which is AWOL and hasn't returned ASAP -- someone send an S.O.S.! -- making me very MAD.
And now we're to be deprived of "TLB: TNW"?
Well, sometimes life is A-OK.
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