Friday, Oct. 1, 1999 | 10:15 a.m.
Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at [email protected] or 259-4081.
Sing out, brothers and sisters!
Croon a Tune is fun. And it's back.
The weekly name-that-TV-theme contest (259-4012) returns to Dial File this week, taking up residence again at the back of this column.
To mark the rebirth of Croon a Tune, here is a reprint -- or, as they love to say on TV, an "encore presentation" -- of a Dial File from last year celebrating the glory of TV themes, followed by this week's brand new Croon a Tune quiz.
Tune into the tunes:
This column's regular readers know that TV theme songs warm the cockles of this columnist's cold, callous heart, which explains Croon a Tune, the trivia contest at the back end of this rant every week.
I really love 'em. And, in an era in which they are largely ignored -- remnants of a leisurely, pre-clicker era in which programmers weren't paranoid that we'd tune out during the tune -- I really miss 'em.
While many themes are instantly forgettable, a select few are stick-to-your-ribs classics, immediately reminding us, with perhaps only a note or two, of a show that rests forever gently in our hearts.
Here's this critic's list of the 25 most recognizable TV themes ever, in Letterman-like ascending order:
25) "The Jackie Gleason Show": Not to be confused with "The Honeymooners" theme, this achingly beautiful musical signature for Gleason's Miami-based variety show -- as the camera glided over the gorgeous beaches of South Florida -- was written by Gleason and titled "Melancholy Serenade."
24) "The Brady Bunch": So the one day when this sitcom met this theme song, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch; that this dreck should someday form a classic; that's the way we all got stuck with "The Brady Bunch."
23) "American Bandstand": Just try listening to this infectious confection -- originally a big band hit by Les Elgart called "Bandstand Boogie" -- and not see Clearasil-covered faces mugging for the camera and begging for Dick Clark's attention. Barry Manilow provided lyrics -- "we're goin' hoppin', we're goin' hoppin' today, where things are poppin' the Philadelphia way" -- in the '70s.
22) "Batman": Decades later, I still can't get "Battattattattaattaattaattat!" outta my head -- and I'll get 'em for it. Composed by Neal Hefti.
21) "Star Trek": Swashbuckling, romantic, with a dash of the operatic, the original series' theme is still the franchise's strongest calling card, the more march-style "Next Generation" theme notwithstanding. The original theme was composed by Alexander Courage, arranger for the Boston Pops.
20) "Mr. Ed": When you say, "a horse is a horse," you've said it all. It was sung by co-composer Jay Livingston, who had to convince producers not to shelve the tune.
19) "The Addams Family": A finger-snappy classic that put three simple words -- "neat, sweet, petite" -- to excellent use. Written by prolific TV tunesmith Vic Mizzy.
18) "Green Acres": Dahling, I love it, but gimme Park Avenue -- and Eva Gabor, the funniest, fizziest, freshest voice to ever grace a sitcom soundtrack. Another Mizzy masterpiece.
17) "Perry Mason": A big, beautiful -- and hauntingly ominous -- thunderclap of a theme song by Fred Steiner. No wonder Perry never lost a case. (well, maybe once.)
16) "Dragnet": His name (dum-de-dum-dum!) is Friday. He's a cop. And this is the song -- granite-jawed, relentless and totally tuneless -- that put The Big Blue on the musical map.
15) "Happy Days": If you can remember the seven days of the week, you can remember this one -- endlessly, into rerun eternity -- but only after dispatching with the early episodes, which used Bill Haley's "Rock Around the Clock."
14) "The Love Boat": It's not exciting and new anymore. But it is a classic, courtesy of singer Jack Jones.
13) "Hawaii Five-O": The pounding waves. The pounding drums. The heart-racing rhythm. Mort Stevens' tune, as performed by The Ventures, was downright addictive. Book it. Aloha.
12) "All in the Family": Once they clearly enunciated "Gee our old LaSalle ran great," it joined the pantheon of the giants.
11) "Mission: Impossible": Light the fuse, baby. A Lalo Schifrin masterwork.
10) "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" ("Johnny's Theme"): From the opening drum solo to the silly closing of "shave and a haircut -- two bits," this instrumental classic -- credited to Johnny Carson "with help from Paul Anka" -- was a swingin' latenight lullaby for three decades.
9) "The Andy Griffith Show": You know how to whistle, don'cha? Ya just put your lips together and blow, just like composer Earle Hagen did on this classic, titled "The Fishin' Hole."
8) "Gilligan's Island": A three-hour song. ... A three-hour song. By the same American original -- producer Sherwood Schwartz -- who gave us "The Brady Bunch" and its theme.
7) "The Beverly Hillbillies": The poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. The ratings, however, were a different matter. Y'all come back now, ya hear? They did -- week after week after week. And "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" lives on -- decade after decade after decade.
6) "M*A*S*H": The whirr of the helicopters, the bouncy-but-bittersweet strains of Johnny Mandel's "Suicide is Painless" as Hawkeye & Co. bent over prone bodies on choppers. "M*A*S*H" was on the air. Is on the air. Will always be on the air.
5) "The Mary Tyler Moore Show": What can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it's this theme, and you should know it, by Sonny Curtis.
4) "Cheers": Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your theme.
3) "The Twilight Zone": Try finding an eerier cadence than ... dee-dee-dee-dee ... or is it do-do-do-do?
2) "Bonanza": "Here in the West we're livin' in the best, BO-NAN-ZA!" The rest of the words escape me at the moment, but you probably know the rest of the melody.
1) "I Love Lucy": Luceeeee -- I dan't thin you have any 'splainin' to do on this choice. As Desi sang in the little-known lyrics: "Life is heaven, you see, 'cause I love Lucy, yes I love Lucy, and Lu-cy loves me."
Croon a Tune: Welcome back, Tune Crooners. This feature returns with this classic -- featuring a jazzy little piano riff in the middle -- from TV/movie theme legend Lalo Schifrin. Dig it by dialing 259-4012, then leave your guess as to the title, plus the spelling of your name and your daytime phone number. Guess right this week, get named in Dial File next week.
On your marks ... get set ... CROON!
Closing credits: Cable's USA is preparing a new series called "Maternal Instinct," about "a stone-cold femme fatale who metes out punishment on men."
Cost-conscious USA execs figure that the cheap costume budget -- black fishnets, spiked heels, a whip and a snarl -- leave enough leftover cash for a Welcome Home Heidi! bash at the Fleiss house.
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