Friday, Feb. 28, 2020 | 2 a.m.
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Now, here’s a real witch hunt.
President Donald Trump is on a warpath to identify and punish individuals he considers insufficiently loyal to him — he wants them out of the administration at every level. As far as Trump is concerned, it’s hail to the chief or hit the road. As he takes another post-impeachment step toward authoritarianism, our president clearly believes the apparatus of government should serve him.
But who exactly are the people who aren’t sufficiently “Trumpy” and need to be purged? After letting our imaginations wander, we present this idea of how his wish list might look:
• Americans who respect the Constitution at all times, even when it could put Papa Doc Trump’s self-interests in jeopardy. Traitors, all of them!
• The staff of the CIA, NSA, FBI, DOJ, EPA, HUD, HHS, NOAA, NSF, CDC … actually, let’s just throw in the whole can of alphabet soup and say the entire federal government for being silly enough to think it’s there to serve the public.
• The smarty-pants types who can find places like Ukraine on a map, speak in complete sentences and read above a third-grade level.
• Those who believe laws matter and justice should be applied uniformly, even to Trump and his supporters. What could these people be thinking? This is an obvious threat to Il Duce.
• Anyone who has a pre-existing condition and therefore is complicating the removal of health care coverage from all Americans.
• The scolds who believe keeping your word to your allies and trading partners is not only good business but good morals.
• Anyone who believes the long list of women who say Trump sexually assaulted them. Lies, all lies!
• The people who still admire John McCain and that *&^% integrity of his.
• (Please cover the children’s eyes for this one): Californians and other blue-staters. Buncha commies!
• Those with the audacity to believe climate change is happening and humans are causing it. Clearly subversives!
• Puerto Ricans, for having the gall not to allow themselves to be treated as subhumans.
• Come to think of it, all Latinos irrespective of citizenship status. They’re definitely on the list. Or in cages.
• The people who believe the materials stored in our libraries are designed for more than decoration or bonfires — that opening them and actually reading them can lead to enlightenment and wondrous accomplishment.
• Anyone deemed by Trump as not clapping loudly enough, smiling broadly enough or working hard enough to get eye contact with him when he speaks to groups.
• The world leaders who laugh behind his back (French President Emmanuel Macron, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, etc.), or laugh in his face (essentially the entire United Nations).
• Any media member who doesn’t work for Fox News.
• Americans who would take offense at someone referring to leaders of the armed services as “dopes, babies and losers.”
• Any Fox News staff member whose job doesn’t involve commenting/propagandizing about Trump.
• Mitt Romney for reminding Republicans there was a time they refused to trample the rule of law.
• The know-it-alls who would dare question Trump’s boasts about hiring the best Cabinet members…
• ... or would dare question his judgment in firing those Cabinet members weeks or months later, to the tune of 82% turnover in his senior staff after three years.
• The old-fashioned sorts who think the president is a person to whom our children and grandchildren should look up to and want to emulate.
• The manufacturers of those toilets you have to flush 15 times and mysterious light bulbs that supposedly make Trump’s skin look orange.
• Anyone who claims to believe in science yet questions whether the noise from wind generators causes cancer and exercise is bad for people.
• Note takers in meetings. All spies!
• People who eat vegetables*
• Any federal judge — including members of the Supreme Court — who possesses actual judicial integrity and who won’t swear allegiance to Dear Leader. Clearly, the nation needs more judges like Clarence Thomas, whose wife leads a group of conservatives that has supplied the White House with lists of individuals it considers disloyal and people who should replace them. Gee, nothing to worry about there!
• Those who have not spent at least one night in a Trump-owned property in the past three years but feel they should be treated with any amount of respect by Trump. (They obviously didn’t get the memo.)
• Anyone who used to believe that integrity was a quality worth striving for and honesty was also a value worthy of the effort. How 2015 can you get!
• Anyone taller than Trump or shorter than Trump or thinner than Trump or smarter than Trump or especially with bigger hands than Trump. In other words, almost everyone not Trump.
*Except ketchup on burned-to-a-crisp steak. That’s perfectly acceptable.
