Men, today is not the day to go golfing

By Brian Greenspun (contact)

Sunday, May 10, 2015 | 2 a.m.

Editor’s note: The following column was written for Mother’s Day 1984. A lot has changed, at least for me. My child has grown and become a mother of her own. My mother and mother-in-law, through the passage of time, are no longer with us. And the mother of my child? Well, she is still the mother of my child and a force with which to be reckoned. Nothing has changed there!

In all other respects, what I wrote 31 years ago has the same meaning and is full of the same emotion as it was when first written. It follows:

Today is Mother’s Day.

So much for the yearly Sun service to forgetful husbands who awake peacefully, like every other Sunday morning, totally ignorant that today is very special to the lady we call mother, and more importantly, the lady our children call mother.

Now that I’ve saved you from an entire day — and likely weeks — of unrelenting scorn for forgetting the most important day of the year, perhaps you can answer a simple question or two.

Why is it that Mother’s Day is the single best day of the year to play golf or another favorite sport? And how is it that the lady you sleep with knows you have made such plans and does her darnedest to shame you into changing them?

The answer may be what explains why a mother knows her child has fallen and needs help when no other mortal has heard even a whimper from the ailing child’s lips.

Is it the same phenomenon that explains why a woman will hurl herself into the path of an oncoming car in an effort to save her youngster and, when her offspring is safe, lovingly scare the daylights out of the child so such an act will never be necessary again?

The only answer to these questions is that there is no answer. It is just a mother doing what the Creator has ordained for the protection and growth of the species.

For the same inexplicable reason, this father will accede to the unspoken wishes of my child’s mother and refrain from the long-planned golf game so I may stay home all morning and celebrate Mother’s Day.

Believe me, this isn’t my first choice for Sunday morning. Myra slyly delegated our unsuspecting daughter, Amy, to advise me that it would be simply loving of me to stay home and serve breakfast in bed to her mother.

Saying “no” to her mother is a matter of practice developed during many years of wedded bliss. Explaining to Amy why I would rather play golf than eat breakfast in bed with my beautiful wife is an entirely different matter that could not be mastered with all the practice in the world.

So homebound this husband is on this day of all days.

(If you have read this far and not wished your ever-lovin’ a wonderful day, you are really asking for trouble. Give her a little nudge and make like you remembered all by yourself.)

Giving up a Sunday is probably the ultimate gift we can give our wives. They may disagree, thinking that a new fur coat, a diamond ring or a shiny automobile would be much more in keeping with the significance of Mother’s Day.

Somehow, the mother I know doesn’t quite have the capacity to appreciate the sacrifice her old man has made. How can she compare the value of a new dress or other such frill to the commitment of an entire morning to her happiness? If the circumstances were different, this kind of pressure could amount to sexual harassment!

But, be brave, you husbands. The time will quickly pass. A few hours with the loved ones — maybe even take the family out for a nice Mother’s Day dinner — and before you know it, it’s Monday morning and you get to go to work.

Remember, today’s mothers are former brides who promised to love, honor and obey us. Unfortunately, those commitments fade away and now demand strict obedience. So cherish today because it represents an investment in your life’s work and the promise of your future.

If we do what is asked, we will have a future. If not, remember the statistics tell us that long after we have left this earthly vale, the mothers of the world will continue on. And they have proved beyond question they can do pretty well without us.

But forget your fears, you fathers. We have nothing to worry about (unless you haven’t called the florist by now). Just do what your well-coached children advise and you will get through the day without a scratch.

There will be no golf today. Turn off the TV set and cancel the fishing trip. This is no time to be thinking selfish thoughts. Get the children into the kitchen and make sure you don’t burn the toast.

Make today the best Mother’s Day mom has ever had. Your kids will love you for it!

And when the time is right, clip the poem below and place it on her pillow. Tell her it was written many years ago by Edgar Allan Poe just for her:

I feel that in the heavens above,

The angels, whispering to one another,

Can find among their burning terms of love,

None so devotional as that of ‘Mother.’”

Happy Mother’s Day.

Brian Greenspun is owner, publisher and editor of the Las Vegas Sun.