Chasing Shadows at Work, Part II

Monday, July 28, 2008 | 1 p.m.

As presented last time, all people have shadow sides of themselves. Those shadows can manifest themselves into behaviors that people are not always proud of, or at best, do not understand. Today, I want to talk about how we can expose our shadow to better understand who we are. This exercise will also help immensely in improving our relationships.

Now that we know that we have a shadow side, what do we do?

Commit! Commit to beginning a journey of self-discovery, self-renewal and self-reflection.

Undoubtedly, there are many techniques and methods to understand oneself. But, for the purpose of this article, I am going to present a four-phase approach that has worked well for me. This approach begins with embracing your shadow and ends with developing an action plan.

Embrace Your Shadow. Understand that having a shadow side of yourself is not a bad thing. It is natural, and anyone who tells you he doesn’t have a shadow side is either unaware or unwilling to admit it. We all have shadows, and they have been shaped and reinforced over time by various experiences, many of which cannot be easily remembered. When beginning a self-reflection process, many people worry unnecessarily about their shadows. Worry is a waste of time in this process. A shadow should be viewed as a gift — an opportunity to get to know oneself deeply and should be embraced as such. It is one of those things that “just is.”

Expose Your Shadow. I’ve found that the easiest way to understand your shadow is through reflecting upon situations in which you have been involved that did not yield the results you wanted. Dissect how you felt and how you acted in those situations. I’ve also found it useful to think about how you handle things under stress. My shadows show themselves overtly during times of stress. For me, stress always brings out my worst behaviors. Another technique that I’ve used successfully is to think deeply about the behaviors that you dislike in others. There are clues to ourselves in this analysis. While we don’t consciously think about it, in many cases we dislike the things about others that we dislike in ourselves.

Seek Feedback. One of the greatest gifts one can receive is feedback. Most people won’t necessarily offer it, however, unless you ask. If you are lucky, you will find someone who can provide you with insight into yourself and your behaviors. This gift is priceless. You may need to create the right situation and trust to receive the honest feedback you seek, however. It may take time to create the appropriate space to receive and to understand the feedback. Don’t rush it. The time you take will be worth it.

Develop an Action Plan. One of the most important things that you can do once you begin to understand your shadow is to commit to seeing it when it comes out. That is, know what your tendencies are and watch for signs that indicate when you are starting to act outside of the way you want. This takes practice but over time you will begin to recognize and change your behaviors. This column was highly influenced by Russ S. Moxley’s book, “Leadership and Spirit.”^[1]

I’d like to hear from you:

* – Do you have other techniques you have used to help understand your shadow side?

* – Have you ever received feedback from someone regarding your behavior? How was it delivered? How was it received?

Until next time …

Craig

^[1] Leadership and Spirit, Breathing New Vitality and Energy into Individuals and Organizations, Russ S. Moxley, 2000-Jossey-Bass Inc. Publishers