Heavy Hitter: I don’t need no stinkin’ tires

By Ron Kantowski

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 | 10:20 p.m.

NOW:

I saw another one of those "Heavy Hitter" commercials this morning where attorney Glen Lerner is shown driving down the track in a NASCAR-style stock car.

It's amazing what you can do with computer graphics.

However, any similarity between the ad and the real thing was dispelled when the right rear tire didn't blow out and nobody threw a flag for a competition yellow.

----- Upon further review, shouldn't they call those lack of competition yellows since no competition -- i.e., racing -- is allowed during the caution period.

----- I see it took nearly two days for NASCAR to do an Oliver Barrett and apologize to race fans for the lack of competition at the Brickyard 400 because Goodyear brought tires that fell apart like a hostile witness under cross examination by Perry Mason. But it's easy to say you're sorry when the apology does not come with a ticket refund.

----- As Robert Duvall said in "Days of Thunder," rubbin' is racin'. On the other hand, to quote Chocolate Meyers (or somebody like him), changin' tars is borin'.

----- It's possible that Las Vegan Greg Maddux will be traded from the Padres to a team that can hit the cutoff man (i.e., possibly contend for a pennant) -- and then re-sign with the Padres as a free-agent next year. Too bad Brett Favre can't throw a change-up. That rule seems tailor-made for him.

----- Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino suspended linebacker Freddy Burton and wide receiver Marques Wade for the season’s first two games after they were arrested on drunken driving charges. The Razorbacks' first two games are against Western Illinois and Louisiana-Monroe. Normally, Arkansas players get a one-game suspension for drinking and driving but Petrino felt in this case, longer suspensions were appropriate. You think he'd talk as tough if the Hogs' first two games were against Georgia and LSU? My guess is that it would probably depend on how many touchdowns those guys scored last year.

----- Team USA arrived in Beijing roughly 48 hours ago for a few more exhibition tuneups before the Olympic basketball tournament starts. In a related note, Team Canada has just broken 70 at the Thomas & Mack Center.

----- One last leftover from the weekend: Considering how lousy Canada was, and all those Miguel Cotto fans from Puerto Rico that were already in town, wouldn't it have been better had Team USA played Puerto Rico in a rematch of the exhibition game held at the Mack two years ago? I really miss those Puerto Rico jerseys with the Burger King logo. Plus, do you how many rum-and-Cokes you could have sold on the concourse?

THEN:

The difference between kids today and kids when I was one is that I saw four bicycles parked outside 7-Eleven today -- and none had a baseball glove strung through the handlebars.