51s should go fishing for a new nickname

By Ron Kantowski

Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008 | 4:07 p.m.

NOW:

OK, so if the team to be named later -- the Las Vegas Pacific Coast League baseball club -- is going to be the new Triple-A affiliate of the Florida Marlins, it needs a fishy nickname.

The state fish of Nevada is the Lahontan cutthroat trout, which in itself ... ahem ... spawns three possible nicknames:

--- Las Vegas Lahontans.

--- Las Vegas Cutthroats.

--- Sin City Trout.

Here are other possibilities, based on fish indigenous to Nevada:

--- Southern Nevada Bullheads.

--- Las Vegas Catfish.

--- Clark County Pike.

--- Las Vegas Bass (then, when the team wins, they could show that Dan Aykroyd-Laraine Newman "Bass-o-Matic" skit from "Saturday Night Live" on the video board -- "Wow, that's terrific bass." In fact, they could show that clip whenever the team does something like good, like hit the cutoff man.)

--- Sin City Stripers (alternate jersey: prison stripes with a big fish and a hook in its mouth).

--- Las Vegas Crappies (also could describe the bullpen).

--- Southern Nevada Sunfish. (this one seriously could be it).

--- Las Vegas Bluegill.

--- The Mighty Perch of Las Vegas.

--- Las Vegas Pupfish.

--- Clark County Walleyes. (possible headline after winning a game on a bases-loaded walk: "Walleyes have good eyes, edge Fresno").

--- Las Vegas Quagga Mussels (but only if Jose Canseco is named manager).

The good thing about any of these nicknames is that they will give Russ Langer, the veteran Las Vegas broadcaster, license to call the team's bats "fish sticks." In fact, that should be the rule.

But perhaps the new team shouldn't be named for a fish, but for the bodies of water that serve as their home.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing your ... Las Vegas Urban Ponds.

THEN:

The next time you get depressed over a holiday weekend -- and you forgot to call in your Prozac refill -- try reading "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" by Dr. Seuss. Out loud.

You'll be laughing in no time.

Plus, it won't reduce your libido.