Columnist Steve Bornfeld: Borg babes and Howard and hunks -- oh, my

STEVE BORNFELD is the Sun features editor whose maiden name was Dostoyevsky. His column appears Thursdays. Reach him at [email protected] or 259-4081.

STEP lively, folks. ... Move to the back of the elevator. ... Make way for everyone. ... Watch the closing doors. ... C-L-A-N-K. ... And, up we go. ...

First floor -- linens, children's clothes, voluptuous space babes: Here's the rumor racing through Las Vegas Hilton's "Star Trek: The Experience" -- hey, they should know, right? -- that will hit mooning male viewers like a phaser blast to the heart (and libido): Jeri Ryan, the Borg-alicious Seven of Nine on "Voyager," is refusing to sign a new contract, demanding the same salary as star Kate Mulgrew. Is it twue?! Is it twue?!

"Absolutely untwue!" a UPN spokeswoman insists. (Lest I be accused of misquoting, she actually said "untrue.") It better be untwue. Assuming I'll ever again view "Voyager" in Vegas, (via cable, I mean) I couldn't stand not gazing into Ryan's big, beautiful ... eyes. (Yes, I'm a pig -- what's your point?)

Second floor -- hardware, electronics, lesbian dial-a-dates: "The Howard Stern Radio Show," which is actually the title of The Tasteful One's new latenight TV show (how clever!) was originally slated to debut only on CBS O&O (owned-and-operated) affiliates. Now, however, it has been sold in syndication, expanding his raunchy reach to, among other places, our own Channel 8, starting Aug. 22. Imagine the possibilities if Jeri Ryan vacated "Voyager" and was assimilated into this show. Put your tongue, your eyeballs and your lewd lesbian fantasies back in your head, Howard. (And keep your "Private Parts" to yourself.)

Third floor -- furniture, fabrics, apologetic family values crusader: The itty-bitty new broadcast network called Pax Net dug itself a not-so-itty-bitty hole when it ran print ads condemning the major networks for promoting "alternative lifestyles," unleashing the wrath of gay and lesbian activists who called it code for intolerance. The itty-bitty network president, Jeff Sagansky, apologized and claimed ignorance, saying: "I can tell you with certainty that that was not the intent with that line. We are sick about this." They should consider hiring ex-"Seinfeld" writers to create ads like: "We don't promote alternative lifestyles -- not that there's anything wrong with that."

Fourth floor -- menswear, undergarments, unapologetic family values crusader: Original "Tonight Show" host/TV pioneer Steve Allen has appeared in a print ad for the Parents Television Council, which says: "TV is leading children down a moral sewer, encouraging crime, violence and even killing, and shaping our entire country down to the lowest standards of decency." The industry is rife with rumors that Allen and Jeri Ryan will square off in a nude mud-wrestling segment for a Howard Stern special on Pax Net.

Fifth floor -- Bedsheets, lingerie, hot (and lukewarm) hunks: We'll end your unbearable suspense and reveal the results of Cosmopolitan's "lust survey," TV newscaster division: "Today" co-anchor Matt Lauer was the leading "hunk" with 44 percent of the vote, followed by Peter Jennings (13 percent), Tom Brokaw (9 percent), Bryant Gumbel (8 percent) and Dan Rather (6 percent). A whopping 20 percent didn't consider any newscaster "remotely" sexy. Although the magazine won't confirm this, the rumor is that Cosmo readers 100 years old and over voted overwhelmingly to see Willard Scott in a thong.

Sixth floor -- bicycles, automotive supplies, cable cars: A joint survey by researchers Adlink and the R.L. Polk Co. connected the profiles of Los Angeles car buyers with the cable channels they're most likely to watch. The rundown: BMW/Volvo owners -- E!; Mercedes-Benz -- CNBC and the Food Network; Lexus -- A&E; Cadillac -- CNN; Buick and Jeep -- ESPN2; Chevy -- Fox Sports West; Hondas -- MTV and VH-1. The preferences of public access viewers were not listed, but the smart money's on pogo sticks.

Seventh floor -- lawn mowers, weed-whackers, illicit substances: The Fox folks are in a fix thanks to their new teen-focused sitcom "That '70s Show," the pilot of which has weathered criticism for including references to marijuana use and a scene in which a stoned teen sees "moving wallpaper." Oddly enough, that's also a fitting description for many of the upcoming fall TV shows.

Eighth floor -- Calculators, computers, Nielsen nincompoopery: The four top broadcast networks -- NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox -- have signed a letter of intent to contribute a combined $60 million to help start up a rival to Nielsen Media Research, the methodology of which has irked the broadcasters for years. Their grumbling has grown louder as their Nielsen-measured audiences have grown smaller -- and cable's grows larger. They're convinced that another company -- beholden to their financial support -- will give them a fair shake. The company is rumored to be named Cook the Books, Inc.

Ninth floor -- Kites, kitchen supplies, King Kelley: Listen to producer David E. Kelley -- network auteur behind "Ally McBeal," "The Practice" and "Chicago Hope" -- talking to the New York Times about TV vs. films: "You still hear people say, 'You're a pretty good writer, why are you still doing television?' It always surprises me ... I consider myself to be in television. ... You can make an argument that television is better than features these days ... It's always just been more fun for me to write for existing characters." The networks are rumored to have ponied up $70 million to persuade him to say that.

Top floor -- Sadness, memories, eternal gratitude: In the course of one week, TV lost Robert Young, "Buffalo Bob" Smith and Shari Lewis, a bittersweet reminder of the warm, comforting, cynicism-free TV of yesteryear. May Heaven reward them all for all the heavenly pleasures they gave to us.

CROON A TUNE: They call them CELESTE ATKINS and JOSHUA PECK, faster than lightning; no one you see, is smarter than he/she. That's because Celeste (local, via the paper) and Joshua (of Rockland County, N.Y., via our website) were the first to tell us that "Flipper" lived "in a world full of wonder, flying there under, under the sea."

The star of "Flipper" had a strange career twist after the run of that show, deciding to make his way on dry land, shortening his nickname, restoring his family name of "Wilson" and uttering something about how the devil made him do it. ... Hey, I read it in the National Inquirer.

And congrats to other readers who were hip to "Flipper": Dan Barch, Lew Brown, Rich Collins, Mike Gebhart, Andrew Hatcher, Sabrina Hinds, Reed Hunt, Terry Kinnally, Val Kolar, Laurie Kunkel, Mark Ritchie, Dan Roberts, Dan Ryan, Jean Sanger (of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio), Andie Sorvig and Gloria Sprouse.

The week's most intriguing -- albeit incorrect -- answer came from a reader who claimed that the, as I put it, "non-human, ever-smiling series star" who was "flying under the sea" was ... Patrick Duffy. Yes, TV's Bobby Ewing, who also played "The Man From Atlantis," webbed feet and all -- and could swim faster than Flipper and balance a ball on his snout, which is more than you could say for J.R.

Next? What theme barked "keep them doggies movin' ... don't try to understand 'em, just rope and tie and brand 'em"? And do you know who sang it and which squinty-eyed future movie star headlined the series? Lasso the right answer and get your name branded on the derriere of Dial File.

Y-Y-Y-Y-YOUCH!

DOIN' BARD TIME: And now, a word from Peacock Pooh-bah/Smarty-Pants Supreme Warren Littlefield -- who's taken critical heat for sliming us with such fare as "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" but whose Must-See network will next season offer up movie versions of "The Tempest" and "Crime and Punishment" -- addressing a gathering of TV critics:

"Shakespeare, baby! All right? Hey, we're talkin' Shakespeare! We're talking quality! 'Crime and Punishment'! Who can spell 'Dostoyevsky'?"

He'll no doubt call it Must-We? TV

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