Thursday, Jan. 8, 1998 | 6:32 a.m.
"Join me in the future!" I screamed.
The Deluxe staff looked up sleepily.
"Did Carter say something?" Jennifer asked.
"You're damn right I did. The future awaits us all, at the 1998 Consumer Electronics Show. The future is ours to mold ... ours to plunder ... ours to corrupt!" I stood on my desk. "Today begins a glorious new order, and only the strong of heart will survive! Who's with me? Who has the courage to join me in the savage wilds of the future?"
"You're right," said Guy. "Carter did say something. Have a nice time."
"Yeah, bring us back some free stuff," Gregory chimed in.
Well, I wasn't going to let their lack of enthusiasm bring me down. I drove to the Las Vegas Convention Center with the future in my tank. I walked across Paradise Road with the future in my soles. I pulled the door open with the future flowing from my hands. I walked inside, took a deep, deep breath full of future air and opened my future eyes.
What I saw was the world's biggest Sharper Image outlet. I can't think of any other way to describe it. If you want to shop for useless techno-crap - Computer speakers shaped like Michael Jackson! - in a no-pressure environment, CES is for you. Unlike Comdex, where the hard sell extends up to 3 miles away from the convention floor, CES is only a hassle if you wear a purple badge bearing the legend "Buyer" - I did not. Thanks to that bit of serendipity, I was largely ignored while I touched, tested and lovingly fondled the merchandise. No representatives spoke to me unless I asked a question, such as "Can I fondle this?"
Emerging technologies were hard to find and those that were on display were buggy Betas, coddled together from existing hardware or just plain silly. Intel's Connected Car PC model seemed to hit all the bases - while it has been road-proven in Europe, Asia and US test markets (their words), I find it hard to believe that the same temperamental Intel MMX chip that crashes my Dell every other week won't do the same in my Ford.
Two monitors - one in the dashboard, one that folds down for backseat viewing - offer games, navigation programs, e-mail and a mess of vaporware. The front-seat model promises to be voice actuated, which at the current state of the technology means the owner will have to approximate Dustin Hoffman's performance in "Rain Man" just to call home. "Dial ... 5 ... 5 ... 5 ... 2 ... 6 ... 3 ... 7." People get in cellular-phone related accidents every day. What are they going to do when they have an honest-to-God PC monitor in the front seat and it's doing things that are far more interesting than anything that might happen on the other side of the windshield?
Fortunately, there were a few items that, while not as Jetsons-ready as Intel's, were easily twice as interesting, basic in design and available today for a moderate price. The concept behind the Nickelodeon's Photo Blaster - designed by Long Hall Technologies, marketed under the name of the children's cable network - is laughably simple yet undeniably sound: a 35mm camera that takes four pictures for every frame of film. A standard 24-exposure reel can sport 96 photos, perfect for the young artiste who's inclined to waste film. The Photo Blaster is ideal for its target group, appeals to older consumers (What irony-based Gen X'r wouldn't want one of these green and purple babies?) and costs under $40. Let's hear it for Yankee ingenuity, kids!
Other contraptions grabbed me, though not quite as decisively as the Photo Blaster. Panasonic's "Great Escape" Shiatsu Massage Lounger is pretty much the ultimate Big Chair. A dozen of them were set up for perspective buyers, all facing a giant TV screen showing "The Lost World." Buyers lined up to enjoy their light therapeutic touch, to get off their feet for a minute and to be attended to by women in leotards. Ultradata's Road Whiz Plus is a calculator-sized device that does much of the same stuff Intel's auto-based PC does - gives directions, suggests lodging, finds 24-hour coffee shops - for a nominal price.
Probably the most provocative booth on the convention floor wasn't selling anything, save freedom of choice. The Home Recording Rights Coalition boasted a string ensemble playing Beethoven, minimal staffers and a mission: to defeat any and all legislation that would make it illegal to use your VCR, audio recorder or computer for private, non commercial recording. What good is the future without mix tapes? More information is available from HRRC's website http://www.hrrc.org.
And that was it. That was the future. Needless to say I was disappointed. I limped back to the office, poured out my bag of press gibberish and free goodies and said, "Hi, everybody."
"Hey, he's back from the future!" said Gregory. "How was it?"
"It was ... okay."
"That's it? For all the mouthing off you did this morning, the future is just okay?"
"Yeah, it was nothing special. But here, I got you something." And with that, I took out the brochure for Reema International's "King Of Pop" computer speakers - yes, the Michael Jackson speakers I mentioned. I handed it to him and nonchalantly strolled outside before the screaming began.
"One way or another," I said to myself, "I will control the future, even if I have to scare the hell out of everybody to do it."
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