Movie Guys: Armageddon crashes to Earth

* Starring: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.

* Director: Michael Bay.

* Screenplay: Jonathan Hensleigh and J.J. Abrams.

* Rated: PG-13 for profanity and adult situations.

* Running time: 150 minutes.

* Playing at: Las Vegas Drive-In, Cinedome 12 Las Vegas, Century Desert, Cinedome 12 Henderson. ACT III Texas Station, ACT III Village Square, ACT III Sunset Station, UA Rainbow Promenade, UA Showcase mall.

* Synopsis:

An asteroid the size of Texas is on a 22,000 miles-per-hour crash course for Earth, and NASA's executive director (Billy Bob Thornton) decides to send a crew of the world's foremost deep oil drillers to blow it out of the sky. Leading the brave group is Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis) who recruits a team of roughnecks for the nearly impossible mission. On this heroic journey, they face the most physical and emotional challenges ever encountered -- to save the world and prevent "Armageddon."

Dave: In the first 10 minutes of "Armageddon," we witness a meteor shower that rains upon New York City and nearly leaves the town in ruins. Wow! This film wastes no time in getting to the special effects-driven action and promises to present everything that "Deep Impact" (you remember, that other asteroid movie) seemed to lack. Well, then comes the unintentional comedy of the picture, where you can't help but snicker as aging star Bruce Willis attempts a Southern drawl; or when lovebirds Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck (hot from his "Good Will Hunting" Oscar win) share an intimate moment together. Personally, I started to miss those Tea Leoni news reports from "Deep Impact."

Jeff: Dave, remember: "Deep Impact" used a meteor and "Armageddon" has an asteroid. What's the difference? I couldn't tell you, except that if either one of them hits the Earth, we're all extinct. "Armageddon" is the second summer blockbuster (following "Godzilla") that in no way, shape, or form lives up to the media hype surrounding its release. Simply put, "Armageddon" is the most over- dramatic, over-produced, over-edited, over-bearing action film to come out of Hollywood. I take back almost every bad thing I've ever said about "Deep Impact."

Dave:

You're not kidding either, Jeffrey. Talk about ridiculous, far-fetched, unbelievable and incredibly bad qualities and plot holes in this flick. We have a highly-advanced space shuttle that can maneuver around an asteroid field like nobody's business -- I mean a Tie-fighter from "Star Wars" couldn't dodge these hurtling pieces of rock debris as good as this shuttle team could. How about the blazing sparks and scattered flames around the drilling hole, and the landing sites that decorate the asteroid's surface?

I don't know about you, kids, but I learned at Paul Culley Elementary School that fire needs oxygen in order to be a fire! Then, of course, there is the most pretentious love story of the year involving Tyler and Affleck. Every chance the filmmakers get, they intercut Tyler's dumb reaction shots or a romantic scene with her and Affleck, slowing down the picture. This subplot simply did not work.

Jeff:

I burst out with laughter during the touching "Animal Cracker" love scene (too vulgar to describe here) with Affleck and Tyler. What a joke! The problems originate with director Michael Bay ("Bad Boys," "The Rock"), who is one of the most talented directors working in the action genre today. But Bay puts too much in his presentation of "Armageddon," including the kitchen sink and every other sink you can think of -- padding, padding, padding.

The story is simple: Asteroid is coming to kill us all, assemble a team of experts, launch them, drill a hole in the asteroid, blow it in half with a nuclear bomb, everybody is happy. Bay stretches out this modest story into tedious, complicated fanfare with no end in site. It doesn't take Bruce Willis and his gang of rock drillers 20 minutes to get from NASA's hanger to the space shuttle (most of it shot in slow motion with an un-arousing dramatic score pounding away as they move ever-so-slowly to the launch pad).

We have only 15 hours to save the Earth. Let's speed it up a little, huh? The editing is overpowering, happening so fast (with at least 30 cuts in a minute) that I had trouble following the action. I needed a Tylenol by the time the movie was over. Let us see what you spent the $100 million on -- slow it down a little.

Dave:

Let's not forget the writers of this piece of junk. Johnathan Hensleigh (who teamed up with producer Jerry Bruckheimer for "The Rock" and "Con Air") and J.J. Abrams ("Regarding Henry") penned lazy dialogue that could have been credited to any repetitious screenwriter in Hollywood. How many times can Willis exclaim "Turn off that bomb! I'm warning you!" to William Fichtner's character, who replies, "No!"? Let's just say that I lost count. Now don't get me wrong -- I wasn't expecting Shakespear here. But I certainly am disappointed when the dialogue has contempt for its audience.

Jeff: The cast was top-notch. It's too bad that they had nothing to work with. Willis is commanding and cool (as always) and his rag-tag group of rock drillers are a sight to behold. Steve Bucemi and Kevin Campbell give the much-needed comic relief throughout the movie, and Billy Bob Thorton is right on target.

I can't help but comment again on the ridiculous photography of "Armageddon." Michael Bay got his start in directing commercials and it seems that he has held on to that format in making feature films. "Armageddon" at times looks like television ads for Wells Fargo, Nike or United Airlines: striking gold sunset colors with children running in slow motion, or townspeople sitting on the front porch watching the camera swoop by. Bay's love of the camera is obvious. How about working on the story next time?

Dave: I guess Bay was trying to instill some sort of patriotic sense of Americana, that the good old-fashioned United States of America comes in and saves the day. So God bless America -- or maybe He should bless Hollywood. If you ask me, the Big Man upstairs should do more than bless it: "Vengeance is mine, sayth the Lord."

MOVIE BUZZ

* Mel in the hen house?: Would you call Mel Gibson a chicken? You can now: The "Lethal Weapon 4" star will head the voice cast for Aardman Animations' first full-length animated feature, "Chicken Run." Gibson will lend his voice to an all-American rooster named Rocky, who leads his fellow chickens on a desperate run for freedom "before they can be fried, filleted or fricasseed."

* Willis to "Die" again:

Bruce Willis has confirmed that "Die Hard 4" is a done deal. The next film in the popular series will take place in a jungle environment. The film is expected to begin production later this year or early next year. "I'm looking forward to making 'Die Hard 4.' It's a whole different take on action films in general," Willis told The Boston Globe. "It's going to be set in a jungle ... and all low-tech and no guns. It's still the theme of an ordinary guy in extraordinary circumstances."

* "Pretty" pair teams again:

Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, who starred together in "Pretty Woman," are in talks to reunite for the romantic comedy "Runaway Bride" for Paramount Pictures. "Bride" tells the tale of a woman who has been to the altar many times with different men, but runs away at the last moment. When a reporter writes a scathing article about the woman, the two form a love-hate relationship.

NAME THAT FLICK

"This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life. This thing's nicer than my apartment." Everyone who called had the correct guess, but our winner for this week, once again, comes from outside the Silver State. Ray Coleman, from Jackson Hole, Wyo., was the first to e-mail the correct answer: Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop." Thanks for your letter, Ray! Let's go Las Vegas -- you have some competition.

Now, for this week, who said this and in what film: "I'm gonna tell you something. 'Bonanza' is not an accurate depiction of the West ... You ever see the show? It's a 50-year-old father with three 40-year-old sons. You know why they get along so good? 'Cause they're all the same age." Does it sound familiar? If you think you know, call The Movie Guys Hotline at 225-9026 or e-mail us at [email protected]. (Proudly made in the U.S.A.) Be sure to spell your name and leave your daytime phone number, and if you're the first correct caller/e-mailer, we will print your name right here in our column for the entire Las Vegas Valley to read.

Have a safe and sane 4th of July, everybody! See you next week.

THE MOVIE GUYS, starring Jeff Howard and Dave Neil, appears every week in the Sun (additional material provided by Thomas Feeney). You can also read their capsule reviews of movies in Scope magazine and watch their reviews every Friday on Channel 3's 11 p.m. newscast. Plus, check them out online at: www.lasvegassun.com/sun/sunlife/movies.

archive