Columnist Tim Graham: World Cup couldn't end soon enough

FINALLY, IT'S OVER. World Cup '98 is a mediocre memory.

When France defeated Brazil 3-nil in Sunday's championship, it was a joyous occasion for us Americans. Now we won't have to hear how unenlightened we are on the splendors of soccer.

We won't be forced to listen about our ignorance because the world loves soccer and we don't.

It has been estimated 37 billion people watched the 33-day, 64-match tournament on TV. But soccer continues to fail in the lucrative U.S. market. Domestic ratings rivaled your average big-time wrestling event.

"Shame on you," the purveyors of all that's internationally right have shouted. "The United States isn't nearly as refined as the rest of us. When will you appreciate our sport?"

Probably never.

Popularity doesn't mandate respect. Some examples: Mike Tyson, Jerry Springer, Zamfir, the Spice Girls.

The sport has attracted such a religious following because it is such a primitive game. Roll a bunch of rags into a ball and any third-world cave dweller can boot it about.

Soccer is so simple, it's easy to find a bunch of 5-year-olds chasing the ball around the local park like maniacs. They can do this because the game is as mentally challenging as Candyland and Chutes and Ladders.

Children don't even start out in baseball that young, not without tees and special rules that state everybody bats and outs don't count.

But soccer is an immature sport in many aspects. Fans of America's big four sports at least wait until after the championship game to riot, pillage and plunder. Soccer hooligans brawl before, during and after ordinary matches. Spectator fatalities are far from unheard of.

And no sport offers more whining and crying among its players than soccer. Players don't snivel nearly as much in the NBA.

The slightest incidental bump or tap results in a player writhing on the grass, trying to convince everyone he is near death. You can almost hear his teammates plead "Don't go to the light! Don't go to the light!"

If the acting job is persuasive, the "assailant" gets a red card and an ejection. At that point, the "victim" miraculously jumps up and keeps on playing.

Any parent recognizes this ploy: The kid runs through the backyard, falls down, obviously doesn't get hurt, but cries until mommy or daddy recognizes. A mere Band-Aid later and the kid is tearing around more vigorously than before.

Soccer proponents claim Americans are the ones acting childish because we won't give their sport a chance. They insist that's merely because the U.S. isn't good at it.

Not true.

The U.S proved in the 1998 Winter Olympics it wasn't even close to ranking among the world's elite in hockey, but that hasn't stopped us from getting into it. And there hasn't been any buzz about striking up a synchronized swimming league even though the U.S. dominates there.

The World Cup runneth rampant elsewhere. It just runneth on empty here.

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