Dial File: Pinballing around the ol' tube

PULL BACK the plunger, nice and easy now, and ... WHAM!:

BANG! ... You know, Paul Lynde actually wouldn't look bad in dreadlocks: It's hip to be squares now that "The Hollywood Squares" is returning to first-run syndication in the fall in a new version, with Whoopi Goldberg settling into the late Paul Lynde's center square. And Goldberg, also a producer of the revival, swears she's got commitments from the likes of Sharon Stone, Whitney Houston, Garth Brooks and Rosie O'Donnell to also appear on the show. "If we can book the pope," she says, "we'll get him." I'll take the pope to block, please ..."

CA-CHING! ... The Big Guy works in mysterious ways: The July issue of Maxim, a magazine catering to 18-to-34-year-old males, polled its readers on life's burning questions, one of which was: Would you rather sit through an episode of "Touched By an Angel" or kill yourself with a steak knife? Seventy-five percent said they'd opt to be Touched By the Sharp Instrument. In related news, many young men were discovered fleeing from their homes early this morning, screaming something about "plagues of locusts."

BING-BONG-BOOM! ... We can't afford the cast of "ER," so here's a ten-spot -- sign Play-Doh to an exclusive contract: MTV has added 22 new episodes of its wildly popular "Celebrity Deathmatch," in which claymation figures battle it out. Said MTV honcho Judy McGrath: "When I ... saw Hanson beat (up) the Spice Girls, I knew this was the right strategy for us." Meanwhile, Gumby sits at home, endlessly watching a tape of "Sunsent Boulevard" and grousing, "I'm still big -- it's the claymation that got small, dammit!"

KERPLOP! ... What do you get for the viewer who has everything?: A segment of the Fox summer series "Guinness World Records" involved a 303-pound tumor that was so gross that it caused a Fox censor -- one of the folks who green-light attacking animals, killer bees and those world's most dangerous police chases -- to faint. The segment -- slightly altered -- will air. Following guest-starring roles on "ER" and "Chicago Hope," the tumor is up for its own mid-season series.

BZZZZZZT! ... From The More Information Than We Needed To Know File: It's rather disorienting to be channel surfing -- I'd just breezed by a "Bonanza" rerun on The Family Channel -- and come upon a graphic on the bottom of the screen of MTV's "Loveline" reading "Ken: Masturbated into a bottle and has a bruise." Next on "Loveline": How to spice up your sex life with a package of Twinkies, a bottle of Roquefort dressing and an Alka Seltzer tablet.

DING-DING-DING-DING-DING! ... Now, in the great oxymoronic tradition that brought you "jumbo shrimp" and "military intelligence" comes the convergence of Fox and family values: Rupert Murdoch's voracious Fox empire has expanded by gobbling up The Family Channel -- now to be called the Fox Family Channel -- causing the channel to dump all but one of its current shows in mid-August. Gone, among others, are "Hawaii Five-O," "Father Dowling Mysteries," "Carol Burnett," "Christy" and "Bonanza." Remaining? Pat Robertson's "700 Club," part of the deal when the televangelist sold the channel to Murdoch. A Fox spokeswoman reportedly said that the new channel will "combine the Fox attitude with family values." Trust Fox and family values, the same tandem that brought you "Married ... With Children."

POW-POW-POW! ... I find for the plaintiff in the amount of $200 and six pounds of Kibble: Sure, we have "The People's Court" and "Judge Judy," with "Judge Mills Lane" on the way. But what about our animal amigos? Don't they deserve tele-justice too? Fear not, for come fall, the cable channel Animal Planet will debut "Judge Wapner's Animal Court" -- yes, his trusty bailiff, Rusty, will be there, too -- in which the ex-"People's Court" jurist will dole out solemn Solomon-style wisdom on cases of veterinary malpractice, grooming debacles and "paternity disputes." And, in veterinary hospitals, animal shelters and Dustin Hoffman fan clubs throughout the land, the cry goes out: "10 minutes to Wapner!"

PLINK! ... Alex, I'll take "Louie, Louie -- What the Hell Does It Mean" for $100: About to debut on VH-1 is "Rock 'n' Roll Jeopardy," combining the format of the classic game show with an all-music theme. Finally, another reason to utter those magic words, "What is Marilyn Manson?"

BAD-DA-BING! ... Finally, TV stops being so elitist and deigns to acknowledge the existence of supermodels: In October, the E! channel will roll out its new spinoff channel called Style, allowing us to luxuriate in non-stop models, makeover and mansions. Says E!-xecutives: "It's an exciting new place on television, filling an underserved niche." Among the topical, hard-hitting, news-oriented shows on their development slate are "Sartorially Incorrect" and "Meet the Dress," plus their exciting new co-production with the Peacock people, "Hemline: NBC."

PLOMP ... PLOMP... C-L-A-N-K ... Whatever happened to the wise old expression, "he's got a face made for radio"?: Still not enough cable channels with which to waste time? Then wait for the RadioTV Network, which will show video of popular radio shows. Do you mean they actually got a shot of Rush Limbaugh turning away from the microphone to gorge on a double-decker turkey-and-Swiss sub with a big, fat glob of Russian dressing dribbling down his chin and staining his Kenneth-Starr-for-God tie? Hey, I'm there!

CROON A TUNE: A nice big tug-on-the-ear to reader Lewis Brown, who knew that "seems we just get started and before you know it, comes the time we have to say so long" is part of what Carol Burnett cooed to viewers at the conclusion of her brilliant variety show each week. Lew, I'm so glad you have the time to read this, just to have a laugh and Croon-a-Tune.

Next? Who "wants a gal who's dreamy ... wants a gal who's creamy ... wants a gal to call his own."? If you're the dreamy, creamy reader who IDs that theme lyric first -- via phone or e-mail -- you'll get a Dial File mention you can call your own.

And, when all is said and done, isn't that what's really important in life?

CHUCK IT: Here's Crusading Righter of Social Wrongs Charles Grodin on his ex-CNBC show, resurfacing on MSNBC Saturday at 5 p.m.: "I'll put people on who you don't see on TV -- people in prison who shouldn't be there, people in soup kitchens, people on welfare with degrees from Harvard."

Finally, a '90s revival of "Laugh-In."

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