Columnist Scott Dickensheets: Analyzing the goods at the Cliche Festival

SCOTT DICKENSHEETS' column appears Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach him at 259-4082 or [email protected].

EXCEPT FOR close friends, loyal dogs, a reliable car, Windows '95 and lots and lots of money, few things in life are more useful than a good, time-honored adage. How often have you teetered on the brink of a disastrous decision, only to think a stitch in time saves nine!, and, although you had no idea what it meant, you suddenly made the right choice? Yeah, me too.

But how well do these nuggets of wisdom hold up? Something so vital should be examined periodically for durability. So, using the latest in research techniques, polling methods and space-filling technology, we here at Scott's Column subjected time-tested maxims to a somewhat more rigorous level of testing.

1. The pen is mightier than the sword. While metaphorically charming, this one seems unbelievable on its face. I believe it was the French essayist Montaigne who said, "While le pen is mightier than le sword, when someone shows up with an actual sword, I drop le pen and run!"

We tested this adage by a) hitting a pen with a sword and b) hitting a sword with a pen. The pen was a common Bic Stic, the sword one I keep around for slicing melon. The sword was clearly mightier; the pen inflicted no discernible damage on it, other than an unsightly ink stain. Further testing indicates the pen is also less mighty than the butter knife, the letter opener and the nail clipper. Conclusion: This adage is outmoded and should be retired before someone gets hurt.

2. A penny saved is a penny earned. This saying, generally accepted without question, is in fact fraught with questions. What about a penny found? Or a penny stolen from the ash tray of your friend's truck? Or a penny plucked from the eyes of a dead man, say, at a gunfighter's funeral or something? Or a penny given you for your thoughts? Can they be considered pennies earned?

Further, wouldn't a penny invested be preferable to a penny saved? If you'd have used that penny to buy Coca-Cola stock in 1919, it would be worth about $1,250 now. Saved in a jar on the corner of your desk, it would still be worth just one cent. Conclusion: With a little modernization, this adage still has potential.

3. Better safe than sorry. Three out of every four people we asked -- which is to say, three people -- selected "safe" when asked, "If you had to chose between being safe and being sorry, which would you pick, and why?" This despite a last-minute media blitz by the pro-sorry forces. Conclusion: Still worthwhile.

4. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. In '90s America? Come on! According to our polling sample, 100 percent of Americans are both. Lenders of lunch money to their children, borrowers of house money from banks. Lenders of tools to neighbors, borrowers of cups of sugar from negligee-clad housewives. Conclusion: Outmoded and dangerously out of touch.

5. That which doesn't destroy you only makes you stronger. In an experiment involving interns and garden tools, we determined conclusively that, to the contrary, that which doesn't destroy you generally leaves you crippled, broken and unable to carry on. It seems safe to conclude that this adage is good only as the inscription for the occasional Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Under no circumstances should you act on it.

Alas, we never did learn what a stitch in time saves nine means.

archive