Where I Stand -- Ruthe Deskin: Noah's ark construction would be awash in delays today

AFTER THE Las Vegas Sun, my favorite Nevada newspaper is the Mason Valley News, which carries the slogan, "The only paper that gives a damn about Yerington."

Perhaps I am prejudiced toward my hometown newspaper; then again, it could be because Jim Sanford's column always intrigues me, especially when he gives his readers such insight as is found in the following, sent to the paper by an anonymous author:

Did you ever think what could happen if Noah attempted to build an ark in 1998?

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. I would like to save a few good people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. I am ordering you to build an ark for me." With a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months from today, it starts to rain," the Lord thundered. "You'd better have my ark completed or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And the six months passed. The skies began to cloud up, and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" the Lord shouted. A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Where's the ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," Noah begged. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project. Your plans didn't meet code, so I had to hire an engineer to redraw them. I got into a big fight over whether the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating the zoning by building an ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Next, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. They finally OK'd it, but I am not allowed to take any owls.

"Then the carpenters formed a union and were out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. We now have 16 carpenters working on the boat.

"I then started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal-rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the lawsuit dismissed, the Environmental Protection Agency notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the concept of a Supreme Being.

"Then then Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

"The Internal Revenue Service has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish the ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," the Lord said sadly. "Government already has."

Ad libs:

Congratulations to KNPR's Tim Anderson on winning a prestigious award for his 20-part series "The Las Vegas I Remember."

The honor is a tribute to Anderson's unique ability to interview subjects and put them at ease.

Referring to Mike Tyson's application for reinstatement with the New Jersey Athletic Commission, Nevada commissioner James Nave opined, "We have always honored other states' suspensions and revocations. I don't know why it is different now."

The answer, my friend, is MONEY.

Bill "Wildcat" Morris left a legend of love to all of us who were fortunate enough to have been his friend.

He will be missed.

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