Dial File: Gimme an 'M'! Gimme an 'E'! Gimme an Emmy!

USELESS, senseless, pretentious, biased, unfair, irrational, saddled by traditionalism, riddled with favoritism, shot through with egotism and utterly meaningless.

And a ton of fun.

Such are the Emmy Awards. So, with all the above in mind, herewith a few thoughts on this year's recently named nominees:

'Moon' 'em: The spat over the spectacular space saga is interstellar idiocy. "From the Earth to the Moon," producer Tom Hanks' HBO "miniseries" -- as Emmy has labeled it -- lacks The Right Stuff as a miniseries nominee. Or so say its fellow category contenders, who complained that the 12-parter with a whopping 17 nominations should have lifted off from the "Best Limited Series" category instead, given its length.

Limited, mini, maxi -- hey, guys: go take a long walk off a short space shuttle.

Since Hanks' 12 hour-long episodes were telecast two-at-a-time in two-hour blocks -- like, say, most network miniseries -- it's actually only a six-parter. And once upon a time, ABC's "The Winds of War" -- conveniently labeled a "miniseries" for Emmy purposes -- unspooled over 18 hours.

So is this just whining over how to slice the stats -- or envy of Hanks' 800-pound gorilla of a show?

And these days, new "weekly" series get yanked after six, five, four, three, two -- heck, even ONE -- airing (any new fall series that survive from Labor Day to Halloween deserve a special Methuselah Emmy). Technically, don't they deserve consideration as the "Best Miniseries," "Best Limited Series" or "Best Series Cursed with Bad Luck, Bad Timing, Killer Competition and The Impatient Incompetence of Network Nitwits"?

No "Contest": Jason Alexander -- perfection as pathetic George Costanza over nine seasons of "Seinfeld " (in the finale, he admitted to cheating in the contest!) -- is up for best supporting actor in a comedy series. ... Again. ...

GIVE HIM THE DAMN EMMY ALREADY!

Like his addled alter ego, Alexander has been a long-standing loser, bested repeatedly by Michael Richards, his "Seinfeld" stable-mate who is, mercifully, missing this year (the category is completed by ex-winner David Hyde Pierce, Jeffrey Tambor, Rip Torn and the late Phil Hartman).

Beyond the big-time competition, Alexander still has to clear a pair of high hurdles:

1) Hartman Heartbreak. For Emmy voters, this is a troubling, if well-meaning trap: transforming the category into a Phil Hartman eulogy. A mass mourning of Hartman's death at the hands of his wife in a murder-suicide is a TV-Moment-in-Waiting: Picture Hartman's parentless children accepting their dad's Emmy, surrounded by the "NewsRadio" cast.

Hartman -- as noted here shortly after his death -- was a supremely talented man, but not the class of this category, no disrespect toward his memory intended. Emmy voters: Don't let tragedy trump fairness at Alexander's expense.

2) "Seinfeld"-itis. Heightened by head-pounding hype that even publicists for The End of The World couldn't hope to match, "Seinfeld" and All-Things-Jerry (the series and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are also nominated) may be ripe for an Emmy backlash in "Seinfeld's" last grab for glory -- especially since so many critics (yours truly excepted) accused the finale of fizzling. In the no-hugging/no-learning universe of Jerry & Co., a "Seinfeld" snub might be sweet justice for selfish George Costanza, but bitter injustice for gifted Jason Alexander.

Second bananas didn't come any better that Alexander, who is long overdue to cradle that golden knickknack. C'mon, Emmy voters -- prove you're not losers in this, uh, contest.

"Ally"-oop: "Ally McBeal" -- last season's best new series, even if you discount short-skirted star Calista Flockhart's gorgeous gams -- was submitted in the "Best Comedy Series" category, the first hour-long series to elbow in on the sitcoms since the '50s. Applause to "Ally" for upsetting Emmy's rigid caste system.

To compare this textured, tangled scoop of humanity to pearls of punch line comedy such as "Frasier," "Seinfeld," "The Larry Sanders Show" and "3rd Rock from the Sun" illuminates the absurdity of the Emmys -- just as absurd as forcing "Ally's" comedy-drama ancestors "Moonlighting" and "Northern Exposure" into the drama derby years ago.

"Ally" is funny, sad, charming, tragic, beguiling and revealing -- just like life. With more of these category crossovers to exasperate Emmy voters, maybe they'll finally concoct a new classification for shows that refuse to conform to categories:"Best Just Like Life Series."

"Ally"-oop-oop: While hour-long "Ally" hobnobs with the sultans of sitcom, aggressively adult, 30-minute comedies that happen to be animated -- "The Simpsons," "South Park" and "King of the Hill" -- are dumped into the "Outstanding Animated Program" bin with kiddie shows "Dexter's Laboratory" and "Cow and Chicken." The architects of this category are reportedly in drug rehab.

Is "Nothing Sacred"?: More proof that Emmys stress popularity and longevity over quality and guts? "Nothing Sacred," the crucified priest series that put TV drama through a baptism of fire -- imagine: a series that caused people to think, argue and debate -- received no blessings from Emmy voters. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Cable, Mabel?: In the "Best Miniseries" and "Best TV Movie" categories, cable -- confident and cocky enough to jettison its CableAce awards and go eyeball-to-eyeball with the Big Boys of Broadcasting at the Emmys -- pummeled the networks in both categories with four out of five nominations in each.

As the Bible sayeth: And the Cable Guys shall inherit the Earth.

Amen.

THIS & THAT: NBC's "World's Greatest Magic" will put in some taping time Saturday at the Circus Maximus Showroom at Caesars Palace. John Ritter will host an array of international magicians, including Harry Anderson ("Dave's World," "Night Court"). ... The History Channel's "Modern Marvels" series will profile Las Vegas hotels Monday at 7 and 11 p.m. ... The Fashion Show mall is featured in a new TV ad campaign touting Las Vegas as a prime U.S. shopping destination.

CROON A TUNE: Kemo sabe say: JEFF BYRD is one righteous dude. That's because Jeff was the first reader to identify "The Lone Ranger" as the classic series that used "The William Tell Overture" as its theme.

Hi-yo, Jeffrey -- away!

Last week's question revealed the tele-trivia talents of a slew of Dial File readers who followed Jeff with the correct answer. And since loyal readers -- to whom yours truly is truly grateful -- seem to have taken a shine to Croon-a-Tune, we will now print the names of everyone who comes up with the correct answer (as always, the Dial File phone number and e-mail address are printed at the bottom of this column). Still, the first correct reader to reach us will get top billing and a highlighted salute.

For last week's question, congrats also go out to: Freddie Joel Blodgett III, Don Feigenbaum, William Henry, Cora Kaempfer, Val Kolar, Joel Lacy, Ed Mocabee, Daniel W. Roberts, Andie Sorvig, Ed Stivason and Nick (which reminds me, folks: if you're calling the voice mail, please speak your name clearly, spell your last name and leave a daytime telephone number for verification purposes -- Nick didn't).

And coming soon: instrumental themes.

For now, let's do it again: What non-human, ever-smiling series star lived "in a world full of wonder, flying there under, under the sea?" If you're the first reader to don your snorkel and swim fins and dive into your memory to resurface with the correct answer, your name will do a backflip right into the deep end of Dial File.

OK -- everybody in the pool!

TIME FOR YOUR SPONGE BATH: ABC, in one of its cheeky new "TV is Good" ads, notes that "if TV's so bad for you, why is there one in every hospital room?"

Every hospital room also has a bedpan.

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