Where I Stand -- Mike O'Callaghan: It was difficult but the 'system' saved this youngster

FOSTER CHILD Dave Pelzer, in his book "The Lost Boy," tells readers of the inward fears of being returned to an abusive mother and the love he found in some foster homes. Yet it was the government system put together to control and protect him that determined where and with whom he would live. Sometimes this system added to his anxiety and at other times it provided him a sense of security.

The chapter about An Angel Named Ms. Gold gets into the guts of both the fears of the youngster and the frustration of a child protective service worker. Three days prior to appearing in court, the abusive mother made clear that she would get Dave back no matter what happened. He was so frightened that when Ms. Gold asked him questions that would come up in court he clammed up and refused to answer.

"Ms. Gold's mouth nearly fell to the carpet. She began to speak, but I raised my hand, cutting her off. I then retracted as many statements as I could, claiming that I had lied about everything. I had caused all of the household problems. I told her that I had fallen down the stairs. I had run into doorknobs. I had beaten myself. I had stabbed myself. I then cried to Ms. Gold that my mommy was a beautiful, kind woman, with the perfect flower garden, the perfect home, the perfect family, and that I craved her attention because of my other brothers. And everything was all my fault.

"Ms. Gold became speechless. She scooted over to where I sat. She tried several times to reach out and hold my hand. I brushed her delicate fingers away. She became so frustrated that she began to cry. After several hours and many attempts, Ms. Gold looked at me with dried streaks of tears and blotches of black eyeliner running down her face. 'David, honey,' she sniffled, 'I don't understand. Why won't you talk to me? Please, honey.'"

Following that session he watched as the tearful Ms. Gold went to her car and sobbed for several minutes before driving off. "I knew I could never forgive myself, but lying to Ms. Gold was the lesser of two evils. I stood alone, confused, behind the screen door. I felt that by lying, I had protected Mother, that I had done the right thing. I knew Mother was going to get me back and no one could stop her. But then when I thought of how kind Ms. Gold had been throughout everything, I suddenly realized the terrible position I had just put her in. I never meant to hurt anybody, especially Ms. Gold."

A combination of foster homes, juvenile halls, schools, teachers, policemen, social workers, neighbors and acquaintances all had an effect upon Dave, the young man who later joined the Air Force. Yes, they all helped him survive because without them, both the good and the bad, his mother would have eventually killed him. For him "the system" had worked.

Despite the failures along the way and the several foster homes, he eventually zeroed in on his favorite and most stable, Alice Turnbough. Alice had been a foster parent for 30 years and had helped approximately 75 children. Dave writes, "For over 18 years, I wanted something I knew I would never receive -- Mom's love. Without a word, Alice opened her arms. And as she held me, I suddenly realized that my lifelong search for love and acceptance had finally ended in the arms of a foster parent." Other foster parents helped him through other difficult phases he experienced. "They took in a heap of hideous mass and transformed a terrified child into a functional, responsible human being."

What about other people that he came to know along the way?

"I cannot begin to state how much I cringe when I hear the term 'cop' or 'pig.' Again, one can only imagine what type of world we would live in if it were not for our police officers, who rescue children from abusive situations and wear bulletproof vests for fear of being killed in a domestic dispute. When folks gripe about our educational system, they may fail to realize that the teachers and staff see victims of child abuse firsthand and are the ones who are overburdened. If this statement sounds doubtful, step into a classroom holding 75 students. I don't call that teaching as much as I do crowd control. Besides parents and legal guardians, who has the most influence over our children's lives but teachers? As for those who work in social services -- from counselors at juvenile halls, Child Protective Service members, juvenile probation officers and Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) volunteers to foster parents -- I can never admire and respect their efforts enough."

There are a lot of dedicated people out there who have helped abused and neglected children to survive and even succeed. The major problem is that there aren't enough of them with the badly needed resources to help the ever-growing number of neglected and abused children in our society. Criticizing their failures isn't the answer to this staggering problem because they already know their shortcomings. What they need is more help and greater resources to meet the challenges they face when seeking to help and protect the children still alive and suffering.

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