People in the News for May 21, 1998

Ah, love is a many-splendored thing, particularly if by "many-splendored thing," you mean "41-year sexless hell of humiliation, abuse and financial impropriety." That's Carol Channing's description of her life with husband-manager Charles Lowe, presented in divorce papers she filed Wednesday. The cheap-titillation factors in this case could power a week's worth of "Jerry Springer": 1.) Channing, 77, claims she and Lowe, 86, had sex just twice in their years together. "That is all -- and it wasn't very satisfactory," she says. Poor Lowe; after years of impotence, Viagra appears -- and his wife leaves him! 2.) Channing says, "I have been humiliated regularly by my husband in public and I am regularly physically assaulted by him." 3.) Channing claims Lowe spent her money "like a drunken sailor," draining the $5 million she made in a recent tour of "Hello, Dolly" down to $2 million. "It doesn't matter to me that I didn't have relations. That's incidental," Channing says. "The important thing is my freedom." Although Lowe didn't employ the obvious how much abuse can an 86-year-old man inflict? defense, he did deny lightening Channing's wallet. "I was just going over the finances with her accountant and she has a billion dollars," he gulped. Lowe blames his wife's accusations on their adopted son, the cutely named Channing Lowe, who he says has been poisoning Carol's mind. "I think it's that he's been jealous of me ever since I adopted him," Lowe said.

Beasts of burden

When it comes to love and sex, the birds and bees are simply too demure for yak-packer Jerry Springer. He prefers relationships with true passion, real daring, and, most importantly, barnyard animals. Springer recently taped an episode of his talk show titled "I Married a Horse." Now that's many-splendored! The show, scheduled to run Friday, features a man describing his five-year marriage to his horse and two people who really love their dogs. For some reason, many TV stations -- however benumbed by years of Springer's fist fights, shouting matches and miscellaneous grotesqueries -- are balking at running the episode. Springer's producers are offering a replacement show -- "Past Guests Do Battle" -- to gutless stations spooked by exhibitionistic bestiality.

Tommy locked

The latest episode of "I Married an Ass," the story of Pamela Anderson's marriage to rocker Tommy Lee, concluded Wednesday with Lee being dragged to jail in handcuffs. A Malibu, Calif., judge sentenced him to six months for kicking Anderson while she held their son Dylan during a February fight. "What I see here is a very clear, disturbing in my judgment, pattern of conduct in which otherwise resolvable issues are handled with violence," the judge said. Anderson pleaded with the judge not to give her estranged husband any slam time, but her words might have had more effect had she shown up to say them; instead, she made the statement through her lawyer. That's all, and it wasn't very satisfying. And so ends another many-splendored love here in talk-show America. "Otherwise Resolvable Issues Handled With Violence" -- on the next "Jerry Springer"!

Compiled by Scott Dickensheets

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