Columnist Scott Dickensheets': Be truthful- Have I kept my boyish figure?

SCOTT DICKENSHEETS' column appears Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach him at [email protected] or 259-4082

RED ALERT, guys -- we men have an enemy in our ranks.

I have this on the best authority -- that is, the Washington Monthly, a small-circulation public-policy magazine. Taking a break from wonking about education reform and rapping political knuckles, its May issue, in a cover story titled "Gender Blending," warns us about ... men's magazines!

That's right; no longer are they mere primers on manly living, civilized reading and Women We Love. Now they're cologne-scented agents of feminization! Their new role: "making guys as neurotic, insecure and obsessive about their appearance as women."

Author Michelle Cottle argues that men's magazines -- lately a-bulge with articles of the "Tips for a flatter stomach" variety -- are "peddling a standard of male beauty as unforgiving and unrealistic as the female version sold by those dewy-eyed, preteen waifs draped across the covers of Glamour and Elle."

Cottle bolsters her thesis largely with gleanings from Men's Health, a monthly compendium of articles on banishing your potbelly and having better sex. Of course, such pieces have long been a staple of men's magazines; I've flipped past them on my way to the real articles for years. Who cares? I thought. I'm not trying to impress dewy-eyed, preteen waifs.

But it seems many men do care, mainly Baby Boomers stumbling awkwardly into middle age. Cottle notes sharp rises in male cosmetic surgery, men using makeup (yikes!) and subscriptions to Men's Health (up from 250,000 in 1990 to 1.5 million now). It's gender equity in reverse, with the ebbing tide of American self-esteem lowering everyone's boat. "At least the burden of vanity and self-loathing will be shared by all," Cottle decides. "Now that's progress."

It's compelling stuff, all right, and it applies to exactly zero men I know. Let's make the rounds. My friend Steve? His idea of a men's magazine is Shoot Stuff Monthly; nothing there gives him self-image problems.

My brother? After his wife drove his sport utility vehicle for a few weeks, he complained, "Now I'll never get the girly off of it." I don't think his manhood is in retreat.

My editor? He's so damn manly he leaves a trail of testosterone instead of footprints.

So maybe it's a class thing -- my male friends and I clearly have none. But beyond that, perhaps foolish vanity is a pursuit for the well-to-do. I know I can't afford cosmetic surgery or a Flabmaster.

Not that I would anyway. Sculpting my abs and steeling my buns would require extravagant reclamation projects, hardly worth the effort. I'm in favor of better health, of course -- I've been hitting the exercise bike, and not just with the family-room door. But I've never longed to see myself flashing a washboard stomach on the cover of Men's Health, and I don't much care how anyone else feels about it, either.

In fact, Cottle's reliance on Men's Health is a weak plank in her argument. Men's Health is a niche publication, distinguished by its relentless focus on health, sex and appearance. It doesn't bother with general features or fiction, a la Esquire and GQ -- of course it's going to prey on male insecurity. What else does it have?

Anyway, who cares? I haven't wanted to impress dewy-eyed preteen waifs for years. Now that's progress.

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