Review: The Incredible Shrinking Band

I think it was Van Halen at the Hard Rock October 2. Bore all the markings. Renowned guitarist Eddie Van Halen was there, as was his brother and drummer Alex, and "the other guy" (according to Dennis Leary), bassist Michael Anthony. And there was a hyperactive blonde out in front of the players, screaming out the adolescent lyric of "Unchained" and executing balletic high-kicks - it was Van Halen. It had to be.

But it couldn't have been. Come on, now: Van Halen - the Monsters of Freaking Rock! - cramming their stadium-sized sound and attitude into a thousand-seat club? Replacing charismatic frontman Sammy Hagar - a replacement himself - with skinny, vaguely androgynous twerp Gary Cherone?

Yes, indeed. The attitude Van Halen has maintained since David Lee Roth was dismissed in 1985 has been consistent, unwavering: "It's the guitar, stupid." As long as Eddie was there, thrashing out his patently impossible leads, there would be no question whose band it was and the lead vocalist spot would be open. Perhaps no other band has ever treated their forward player with so little regard, believing that the harmony surpassed any individual voice.

It may work on paper, but in practice Van Halen is despairing. The latest record, "Van Halen 3," is a washout - containing none of the pop-rock savvy Hagar brought to the party ("Humans Being," "Right Now") or any of the bombast that surrounded Roth ("Panama," "Running With The Devil"). Alex's enormous drum set looks pretty damn ridiculous on a club stage. And Cherone just sounds okay - but then, backed up by Anthony's distinctive vocals and the unholy racket the brothers still kick up, even Tori Amos could front Van Halen to the fans' satisfaction.

And that's how it went at the Hard Rock - the band assayed their hits ("When It's Love," "Jamie's Cryin'," "Jump"), their better-known album cuts ("Mean Street," "Somebody Get Me A Doctor") and their new material ("Fire In The Hole") without breaking stride. Cherone swanned about ecstatically, trying to approximate Hagar's musicality and Roth's personality; he failed on both fronts. And the band whipped around him as if he were roadkill, acting every bit the bosses indulging the kid from the temp agency. Who will they put in front of the band three years from now?

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