Dial File: The President of Howard Stern's America

HAIL to the Howard Stern presidency.

No disrespect intended toward Bill Clinton (he is still our president), but the influence of Stern and his "Private Parts"-gone-public mentality -- the book, the movie, his radio and TV shows, the overall attitude that pervaded and shaped our coarse, crass culture over two decades -- has finally seeped through the White House gates.

The past week proved that Howard's world is now our world -- one giant "Butt Bongo Fiesta."

After all, the Starr Report is the political "Private Parts." Except, of course, that Bill apparently went further in the White House with Monica than Howard ever went in the radio studio with nude lesbians. (And, presumably, Bill never dispatched Stuttering Al Gore to conduct embarrassing interviews with senators and U.S. representatives, or ridiculed Madeline "Baba-Booey" Albright.)

Granted, it's nauseating to link Sternian symbolism with the president of the United States, but last weekend, both barreled into each other in a head-on crash -- with television as the crash site.

It was a surreal, synchronized collision of late '90s pop culture and politics -- and even, in a perversely poetic way, the perfect pairing of a president and his prurient times:

Bill Clinton: President of the Howard Stern States of America.

The weekend summed it up symmetrically in a tidy triangle:

* Wrapping up a century of American politics and government, or trying to, Bill Clinton endured a weekend of excruciating public examination of his extramarital sexcapades (I'm not speaking legally, of course; let's not get into that) with crushing TV coverage.

* Wrapping up a half-century of history, an increasingly ribald, anything-goes TV industry celebrated its golden anniversary via the Emmy Awards.

* Wrapping up at least the first quarter-century of his career, more -than-anything-goes Stern continued his assault on national TV with his new Saturday night show, battling the battery of pundits pontificating over Clinton's sex antics for viewers' attention.

It seems, if you'll forgive the New Age lingo -- asking forgiveness is in vogue, after all -- cosmically correct. It's also oddly comforting, as if some end-of-the-century master plan was playing out on schedule in tawdry, tabloid America. Wishful thinking-wise, maybe it's a prelude to the new millennium -- and a new sense of decorum (which is different from prudishness) -- taking over in a renewed, refreshed America, complete with a new president.

Then again, maybe not. That's the future. Back to the present: Bill, Howard and TV are weirdly interlocked these days:

* Stern's defenders -- devoted, passionate and unswerving -- claim that their man's broadcasting talents are being hidden under all the hubbub over his gutter mentality, an old argument renewed by his new TV show.

* Clinton's defenders -- devoted, passionate and unswerving -- claim that their man's presidential talents are being hidden under all the hubbub over his character issues, an old argument renewed by his X-rated imbroglio.

And it was sublimely ironic last weekend that in the age of TV's obscenity-blocking V-chip and relatively new ratings system -- both endorsed by Clinton -- that the lowdown on the prez's peccadilloes would be red-flagged by both. Any content warnings slapped on Stern's new show would certainly apply to the debauched details of the Starr Report, to which, mercifully, newscasters only alluded.

Meanwhile, as TV types took "the pulse of the nation" (as they pompously labeled their endless polls), Americans revealed a clear distaste for Clinton's covert canoodlin' with Monica -- but also a clear tolerance for it, judging by his job approval ratings.

It was just sex.

Leaving aside the legal and political issues such as censure, impeachment and perjury (this isn't a political column) -- and even whether a president should provide moral leadership -- do TV and Stern play parts in America's apparent willingness, even grudgingly, to forgive a seriously sleazy sex scandal of presidential proportions?

Of course.

If this had happened at an earlier point in the pop culture/TV time line, last weekend might have ended with Bill Clinton drowned in a tidal wave of outrage, his presidency bobbing in the surf like an abandoned raft, with Al Gore dog-paddling over to climb in.

Thankfully for Bill, TV and Howard are on lifeguard duty. We've become numbed, inured, shock-resistant, even shock-proof -- choose your own description -- thanks to the raunchy ravages of both. Stern's contributions in this area have been copiously noted.

And everything you've read, seen and heard lately about television in this column, this newspaper, other newspapers and other media -- from X-rated cable in your living room to prime-time network sex and raw language that migrated from out-of-bounds to late-night (11:30 p.m.) to late prime-time (10 p.m.) to early prime (8 p.m.) so that children are now hip to it -- has helped set a national mood that somewhat softens a painful presidential predicament.

Oral sex? Howard was ranting about that just yesterday, wasn't he? And isn't that what they were doing on that Cinemax flick? ... An older guy slobbering over a woman half his age? Didn't we see a half-dozen movies just like that last week on HBO?

Pop culture and a nation's values are inextricably linked.

And the first baby boomer, raised-on-TV prez who got elected, in part, by manipulating the medium -- revealing his underwear preference on MTV, blowing sax on "Arsenio" and denying an affair (he later admitted to) on "60 Minutes" -- might ride the tube to safety once again among viewer- voters.

But will Congress change the channel on him?

CROON A TUNE: "How did he hide all those great gadgets in such a tight outfit?" Good question, courtesy of John Paine, who also provided the first correct ID of last week's theme, "The Wild Wild West." The tight-panted gent in question was Robert Conrad's 007 of the prairie, James T. West, who foiled baddies -- most notably, that evil dwarf, Dr. Miguelito Loveless -- with the aid of that master of disguises and dialects, Artemus Gordon, played by Ross Martin.

"I had a crush on Ross Martin, so this was pretty easy for me," added reader Andie Sorvig, who loved the show and is "very, very leery" about the upcoming movie version with Will Smith and Kevin Kline. "I love Will Smith," she says, "but how can they make 'The Wild Wild West' into a movie when it was a really great TV show? It was kitschy and tacky and funny and over-acted. See it as a movie? No."

I'm similarly suspicious, Andie. Let's just hope they don't cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dr. Loveless.

Other guesses last week included: "The Big Valley," "F Troop," "Davy Crockett," "The MacNeil-Lehrer Report" (loved those rootin'-tootin' news-pokes) and my personal favorite, "Madonna's Wild West Brothel Theme."

Yes, "Madonna's Wild West Brothel Theme."

Congrats to these readers who also took, as tele-savvy reader Andrew Hatcher put it, "a wild wild guess on 'The Wild Wild West' ": Roseanne Bennett, Obert Brinley, Martha "It's stuck in my head now" Campbell, Rich Kackstetter, Augie Kunkel, Joe Lacy, Vicki McCrudden, Dr. John Noel, Mark Ritchie, Dan "This was a lot easier than last week" Ryan, Renee Savicki, Victoria Shaw, Robin Skelly and Cindi Watts.

To hear this week's theme -- but not "Madonna's Wild West Brothel Theme" (aw, rats!) -- dial up Dial File at 702-259-4012 (it will pick up after four rings).

Now, how did that brothel thing go again? ...

WANTED: TAPED OR, UH, LIVE: As long as the networks are around, the English language is safe from logic. NBC preceded last Sunday's Emmy telecast on the West Coast with this announcement:

"NBC presents this live special, taped earlier this evening."

Glad they cleared that up.

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