Dial File: And the 'Di-Fi' goes to...

Ladies, you look absolutely fetching in your strapless plaid-and-polka dot gowns and saddle shoes. And gentlemen, you ooze style in your tiger-striped tuxedos and flashing green neon bow ties.

Welcome, everyone, to the inaugural, scheduled-whenever-we-feel-like-it Dial File Awards -- or "The Di-Fi," as it is heralded worldwide -- telecast live on the Cartoon Network, direct from the grand ballroom at Fatburger.

With next month bringing next season's network lineup announcements, the "Di-Fi" celebrates the season that was -- while the season still is.

While you're scarfing your cheeseburgers, slurping your Zinfandel and groovin' to the grooves of Murray "Hot Lips" Lipschitz and the Lipschitz Seven -- with special guests Rapmaster Irving and his Tone-Deaf Yodelers -- let us commence:

Best vanishing act by a show about a disappearing/reappearing private eye who disappeared without reappearing: "Buddy Faro."

Most compelling argument for Chinese takeout: "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place."

Best reason to bring the curtain down early: "Encore! Encore!"

Most convincing recruitment campaign for the Navy, Air Force and Marines: "The Army Show."

Most vivid example of slavery's hilarious comedic potential: "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer."

Best Museum of Polyester: "That '70s Show."

Best show with a title character who should enroll in Lighten Up 101: "Felicity."

Network most deserving of a high-five salute and a pat on the rump: ABC, for creating "Sports Night."

Network most deserving of a one-fingered salute and an arrow in the rump: ABC, for dumping "Cupid."

Most credible evidence that Malcolm McDowell should not take another career cue from Ricardo Montalban and start hawking "Corinthian leather": The new "Fantasy Island."

Irrefutable proof that Bo Derek and Meryl Streep were not separated at birth: "Wind on Water."

Worst example of the luck of the Irish: "Trinity."

Sexiest rendition of "those fingers in my hair, that sly come-hither stare, that strips my conscience bare, it's ..." since Sinatra: "Charmed."

Best argument for freedom from television: "Living in Captivity."

Show that wasn't mine -- or anyone else's -- sayeth the Lord: "Vengeance Unlimited."

Best proof so far that God smiles upon certain TV shows: "Providence."

Show we had no yen-yen for: "The Benben Show."

Show that didn't need anyone named Abbott to pull off the classic comedy routine, "Who's Canceled First?": "Costello."

Most entertaining pairing of a gay guy and a straight gal since Elton John's first marriage: "Will and Grace."

Best New York-based sitcom that gays mistakenly thought would be set in San Francisco: "The King of Queens."

Best nonactress in a drama: Carmen Electra in "Hyperion Bay."

Best nonactress in a comedy: Carmen Electra in "I Married Dennis."

Thanks for coming folks, but don't rush off.

This column will remain open for your dining and dancing pleasure.

archive