Dial File: A message from our sponsors

Yes, TV has a few -- OK, a smidge more than a few -- commercials.

So stop the heartburn before it starts! what? It's not like they interrupt talk to your doctor about Claritin! ... Pizza-Pizza! the programming flow. It's not as if they irritate introducing Maalox Quick-Dissolve Chewables! ... So you're the new crispy M&M! ... Why? Because I'm worth it! viewers.

OK, certain facts are maybe she's born with it -- maybe it's Maybelline! hard to ignore.

Yes, a new report reveals that image is nothing -- thirst is everything! an average prime-time hour bulged with 15 minutes and 44 seconds of ads last November, a hike of not only did you get it, but you don't dot your i's! 25 seconds over a year ago.

Yes, it was the most ad time Visa -- it's everywhere you want to be! ever recorded because they don't leave your pleasure to chance -- and they don't take American Express!. Yes, ABC and NBC pack in his first major-league game? -- priceless! almost five minutes more of ads and promos per hour American Express -- do more! than they did a decade ago.

But it's not as if hey, full-figured gals -- is that a Playtex under there! there are any tangible negative effects looks like the remains of a minty-fresh Pepcid-AC Chewable!.

OK, sure, advertising czar Jon Mandel did somebody say McDonald's?! told the Associated Press that "it's an indication of a business in trouble," but there have always been Chicken Littles like a good neighbor -- State Farm is there! screaming that the network sky is voted Car of the Year by J.D. Power & Associates! falling.

OK, yes, there might have been malcontents muttering about all that ad time save on calling long distance -- dial 10-10-3-2-1! that virtually ruined NBC's "Alice in Wonderland" save on calling Satan -- dial 10-10-6-6-6!. And yes, Jimmy Smits' sayonara from "NYPD Blue" save on calling your old math professor -- dial 10-10-negative 3-2 to the 10th power-1.7! may have had some dramatic tension sucked out of it by a few harmless words save on calling Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy in the Great Beyond -- dial 10-10-When-I'm-Calling-You-ooo-ooo- ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo! from our sponsors.

But this is dare to be bare -- get fungus-free nails! America: Shouldn't making a buck Pillsbury -- we're talkin' poppin'-fresh dough (hoo-hoo)! rule?

It's only agitators and alarmists who would point out that in the year's first quarter now available for 0.98 percent A.P.R. financing for 48 months!, basic cable bumped up its average viewership by 11.9 percent got termites -- call Orkin! to 24.5 million homes. Or that while networks are passionately seducing 18-to-49-year-olds beef -- it's what's for dinner!, U.S. census figures show that 52 percent of Americans are either younger than 18 stop flakes before they start! or older than 49. Or that networks need to sell more ads to sponsors built Ford tough! to compensate for vanishing viewers. Or that, as a result, networks' best customers these days are Pepto-Bismol -- it coats your stomach! advertisers -- not viewers.

On second thought ... maybe this is one giant game of chicken and the nets are layin' an egg. As we all know:

At KFC -- not to mention NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, WB and UPN -- we do chicken right.

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