Columnist Sandra Thompson: Program helps splitting families survive

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. Reach her at259-4025 or e-mail at [email protected]

NEVADA HAS one of the highest divorce rates in the country.

That's no news flash when you consider that the Silver State has all the contributing factors:

* Marrying at an early age

* Liberal divorce laws

* Liberal drinking and/or gambling

* A highly transient population

There's also the fact that Las Vegas is one of the fastest-growing cities in America. People flock here, leaving behind established church, family and social structures.

The strain on divorcing couples is great; the strain on children trapped in the middle is usually greater.

Clark County has the largest program in the nation to help couples, as it relates to children, through the divorce process.

Paul Wulkan and his wife, Laura Birholtz, Ph.D., of the Palo Verde Child and Family Services clinic, have been conducting the Helping Children Cope With Divorce program for five years. The three-hour seminar is mandated by law for all divorcing couples; the cost is $30.

The goal is to make parents realize the importance of not putting their children in the middle of the battle, and not pitting the child against the other parent.

"The classes are generally for middle-ground people who are livid or depressed right now, but we help them get through that," Wulkan says.

Sometimes people have more serious anger-management and parenting issues that need to be addressed through therapy.

Birholtz says grandparents also attend the seminar so they'll know how to help and how not to fuel the divorce fire.

Wulkan says more time should be spent on stepparent issues. One of every two Americans is in a stepparent situation either as a parent, child or sibling, he says.

Birholtz talks about the three stages of marriage: starry-eyed romance, disillusionment (you start finding fault) and joy (old folks holding hands). Many people, she says, can't work through the second stage; they get stuck there and eventually split up.

Both therapists say it's not the custody arrangement that adversely affects the children, it's the relationship of the parents and how much anger there is.

Wulkan sees a shift in custody in Nevada going back to men. He says the rate is about 10 to 15 percent, compared to 4 to 10 percent nationwide. Fathers tend to pick up kids in their teens, he says. Same-sex parenting seems to work better at that age.

Wulkan says they'd like to add another seminar just for children, and would divide it into three age groups. The emphasis would be on making the program affordable, and an upbeat, positive experience. The goal is to help the children's response and feelings toward this new chapter in their family's life.

"Give children as much security and as little change as possible," Wulkan says.

Statistics show that girls raised in one-parent homes are twice as likely to become teenage mothers. Boys and girls raised in one-parent homes are twice as likely to become high school dropouts. But in cases where parents didn't move or there was little change in the family's life after the divorce, the statistics were much better.

Children Coping With Divorce classes are mandated before a divorce is final. There is merit to having them earlier -- before the conflict becomes inflamed. When a couple first files -- or is even considering a divorce -- parents should attend the seminar. It may make them think twice about the effect on their children.

Of course, the seminar is no guarantee that anger, fear, bitterness and resentment won't get in the way of the positive responses outlined in the program.

Maybe one three-hour seminar is not enough. A follow-up class six months or a year later may be in order for the more contentious cases.

We can't legislate good parenting. We can give parents tools to provide a happier, healthier home life for their children.

It's up to them how they use the tools to build up our community's future -- the children.

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