Dial File: Hitting the TV trifecta

Three topics. One column. No waiting:

Get a broom: Question: What do these have in common? A) The Edsel. B) Beehive hairdos. C) TV sweeps. D) Bell bottoms. E) "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."

Answer: They're all quaint relics. And even though E makes me want to grab my-my-my-my-my boogie shoes, let's concentrate on C.

We're swirling in sweeps, easily the most idiotic exercise on television. Here's Fox honcho David Hill's elegant assessment, imparted to a conclave of critics: "Sweeps suck."

Concise and classy, but could you kindly expand? "From a network standpoint, sweeps are the worst thing possible. They are ridiculous. They are an anachronism. What point do sweeps serve? We all throw our best stuff on -- it's a train wreck."

With smoldering wreckage: Networks negate each other by forcing frustrated fans to make hard choices over dueling blockbusters -- a suicidal strategy as cable surges. And why? To tally up viewers constantly counted by Nielsen "people meters" anyway, just to juice up ratings -- and ad rates. Milking advertisers and bilking viewers for short-term gain and long-term pain.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, they like it?

Copping out: "Reality TV" needs a reality check. As we gag on the fumes of this exploitation boom -- belching forth such toxic twaddle as "Exposed! Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets," "Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed," "World's Most Shocking Moments" and "When Good Pets Go Bad" -- ask yourself: What's really real?

Is "World's Wildest Police Chases" more authentic than the anguish on "NYPD Blue"? The real answer comes from Sandra J. Ball-Rokeach, a USC communications professor:

"In what sense is it 'reality' programming?" the good professor -- who has studied TV violence -- rhetorically asked the New York Times. "Those chases and shootouts are very dangerous and scary. These shows desensitize the audience to the fear and emotions. The fictional police dramas are sometimes more 'real' because they give you that context."

Sandra will star next season in "Exposed: Shocking Secrets of the World's Smartest Debunker of Reality TV Revealed While Her Good Pets Stay Good."

Color me glad: As a dyspeptic TV critic -- that's surely the world's most redundant redundancy -- I've repeatedly ranted about television's racial divide: black and white viewers watching different shows, even different networks. (Paging UPN.)

Well, my dyspepsia is dead (actually, more like gravely wounded). Six shows -- " ER," "60 Minutes," "Monday Night Football," "Touched by An Angel," "NYPD Blue" and "The CBS Sunday Movie" -- now rank among the 20 most-watched in both black and white homes. Two years ago, the same survey-by-skin-tint showed the races shared only pigskin: "Monday Night Football." And broad-based CBS -- TV's answer to the Rainbow Coalition -- is now tops among blacks.

Probable causes: Increased integrated casts and CBS' appeal to older viewers, suggesting that in aging America, where time doesn't differentiate between black or white skin, gray -- as in hair -- may prove the most unifying color of all.

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, we like it (uh-huh, uh-huh).

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