Columnist Scott Dickensheets: A new mayoral candidate? How about ...

Politics adores a vacuum. So it stands to reason that a batch of newly energized office-seekers might be drawn by the giant sucking sound of Jan Laverty Jones vacating the mayor's seat.

Sure, there are some peculiar hats in the ring already -- rumored candidate Aaron "I Put the Goober in Gubernatorial" Russo, for instance, and Steve "I Put the Gad in Gadfly" Miller, and Arnie "I Put the Ouncil in City Councilman" Adamson, and Jay "I Put the ... Oh, Nevermind" Bingham.

A pretty mild bunch, don't you think? But now that Jones is no longer throwing her big-haired, miniskirted shadow across the race, there's no telling who else might, in the finest spirit of American civic involvement, decide What the heck, it pays $48,527 a year and comes with a corner office! and enter this thing. Naturally, these situations call for sober analysis and informed handicapping, which is where the Critic "I Put the Anal in Analysis" at Large steps forward, and he just happens to have a little list.

How about ...

... Buffalo Jim Barrier? The obvious candidate, as he belongs to the hottest bloc in politics, professional wrestling. "I get a lot of calls about that, bro," says the founder of the fledgling Buffalo Wrestling Federation. "Right after Jesse ("The Body" Ventura, former wrassler turned Minnesota guv), people asked me about it all the time." Incredibly, politics isn't the civic project he's into right now. "First, I want to get the Buffalo Wrestling Federation going -- for the people of Las Vegas." A mayoral run isn't entirely out of the picture, though. "The only way I could do it is like Jesse did it, on the honesty platform. That would be good for a change." And you have to like his ideas on municipal reform. "Instead of having arguments, we'd have wrestling matches," he says. Disputed zone change? Let's get it on! "The winner would get his way," Buffalo Jim says with a chuckle. But, since he's not interested now, how about ...

... Andre Agassi? Clearly among the most popular of potential candidates, he would bring a youthful verve, a blistering forehand and, most important, a famous wife to the vital government task of rubber-stamping the wishes of developers. Agassi was unavailable for comment, but we're sure he'd say something like, "@#*&!! What? That disqualifies me from the race? @#*&!!" If he's not the right man, why not ...

... Kenny Kerr? He's certainly got the figure to be a municipal figurehead, and he already has the hair and miniskirts. He may be the only man who's woman enough to handle the job. Or maybe you want someone with a bit more political seasoning; would you consider ...

... Bob Stupak? He's an experienced campaigner who has just the right touch with the media -- you'll recall he slapped a TV reporter during his last mayoral bid. Plus, he can perform his own campaign jingles. A call to his cellular number elicited this response: "Your call is being forwarded to an automated voice mail system." Only time will tell what that means. Until then, maybe the city needs a hands-on mayor like ...

... Bobby Berosini? From Sonny Bono to Clint Eastwood to Mayor McCheese, there is a strong precedent for entertainers snatching the municipal reins. Berosini's experience with orangutan-spanking should give him just the firm hand he needs to unite a contentious City Council. However, if you'd rather avoid four years of "monkey business" references from slow-witted pundits, why not vote for ...

Siegfried and/or Roy? They embody the old political adage that behind every good mayor is a guy in spangly tights with a pack of man-eating tigers. Added bonus: They can sell out the council chambers at $89.35 a person (two-drink minimum). The resulting windfall will make the coddling of local power brokers no longer a necessity, just a fun sideline. Or, why not simply cut through the nonsense and install ...

... Sig Rogich. He already runs the town. Might as well make it official.

archive