Hearts & Sours

It's the stuff of which Fox television specials are made: Heart-pounding action, nail-biting suspense and unbelievable events.

In fact, we probably should have called this Valentine's Day feature "When Good Dates Go Bad."

But instead of grainy home videos, the Sun asked readers to submit written accounts of their worst dating experiences. Besides exhibiting boorish behavior, several recalled how their dates deceived them, tested their physical limits and had death-grips on their wallets.

While there is no $10,000 prize to award the winners (losers?), we did manage to get Merry Bloch Jones, author of the new book "America's Dumbest Dates, Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations" (Andrews McMeel, $9.95), to read their woeful tales and offer her commentary, featured following each essay.

Bloch Jones has authored seven books -- a couple of them dealt with male-female relationships. For "America's Dumbest Dates," she interviewed nearly 400 people on subjects ranging from first impressions to kisses.

"I think you need to know when you're stepping out on a date ... that anything can happen," she says, "and to keep your sense of humor and your self-esteem well protected."

Those are lessons that might have come in handy for these readers:

A screening of "Gone With the Wind" turned disastrous for Karin Gavin, of Las Vegas, whose date didn't care for the classic film:

"Annoyingly, he spent the first half of the picture squirming in his seat and yawning loudly while I inwardly seethed.

At the intermission, he whisked me out to the lobby, where he rudely bought one soda -- for himself. We stood there in tense silence for a while. He finally growled, 'Hey, this movie stinks! Let's leave.' (This from a guy who thought 'Rollerball' was a 'great flick.')

Narrowing my eyes, I retorted, 'I think you made up your mind before you even got here that you weren't going to like this movie.'

'(Expletive!) you! I did not!' he snarled.

Aghast, I immediately tromped out to his car. When he pulled up to my apartment after the strained, mute ride home, I jumped out and sarcastically cracked, 'Thanks for a lovely evening!' For me, that guy would forever be gone with the wind."

"The truth is, there's no excuse for being that ignorant of polite society," Bloch Jones says. "If he didn't like the movie, in theory he could have suggested doing something else."

Storming out was "a good decision on her part," she says. "(With) a guy like that, you know where you stand, you know who you're dealing with; it's not an ambiguous situation. She should be grateful about that."

Las Vegan Teresa Alaniz will never forget her blind date with Chris: an action-packed ride to Parhump. She shared the passenger's seat with a box of kittens that scratched her throughout the trip:

"We drove back to Las Vegas to have dinner. On the way, we ran into a big fire. So, we waited in the 100 degree-plus weather, in the middle of the desert. About three hours later, there was a break in the road where there were no flames. A few cars, including ours, got through.

"We were on our way again when Chris said, 'Oh, no. I can't believe it. We are out of gas.' I said to myself, 'I can't believe it, either. What's next?' We coasted down the road until a Highway Patrol officer pulled us over. Chris explained the situation and the officer offered to take us to the nearest gas station.

"We got the gas and arrived back at the truck, and he had locked the keys in the truck. He had a window at the back of the truck which he squeezed his body through to reach the keys. As the officer and I were waiting, Chris' pants dropped and his bare bottom was showing.

"We finally made it back to Las Vegas safely. Believe it or not, I gave the guy a second chance because, I figured, how much worse could it get? The second date turned out nice."

Bloch Jones felt sorry for "this poor guy. ... I was so glad when she went out with him again." Sometimes, she says, "If everything goes wrong, it's like you may as well start over."

Inner-tubing on Arizona's Salt River was not Las Vegan Aileen Forman's idea of a good first date. For starters, she burned her leg on the exhaust pipe of her companion's motorcycle:

"We got to the river and as my body hit the freezing water, I felt my heart stop. I leapt onto the inner tube like a cat on all fours. I wasn't wearing any sun screen, only a tube top and shorts, and there wasn't a tree (for shade) in sight. My fair skin began to parboil.

"Then we hit the rapids. Naturally, I hit every rock, eventually falling off of the inner tube. After 20 minutes, I noticed that my tube top had fallen down around my waist in the rapids. I slipped into the river and adjusted it. My date said he thought I was just a 'nature lover.'

"I anxiously asked him when we could get back into the shade. He said there was only one beach where we could get transportation back to the vehicles. After five hours in the sun, we finally saw the pick-up point.

"A week later, I went to see him at his work. He did, in fact, have a bad sunburn and, knowing that he was in pain, too, it made my heart soften enough to go out with him again. After all, it couldn't get much worse! And it never has throughout the 13 years we've been married."

Bloch Jones encountered several marriages birthed from dreadful dates while researching her book, couples who " early on in the relationships had real awkward moments and like to laugh about them now."

Cindy Pierre, of Las Vegas, wishes she had known more about the man with whom she went on a blind, double-date during college. After being ditched briefly while walking in a park, she and her friend caught up with their dates:

"Later, we wound up at the beach to watch the sunset. Bruce took his shirt off, laid flat on his back on a picnic table and proceeded to tell me that if I wanted to stroke his chest to turn him on, it would be OK. I was not impressed and did not oblige.

"My friends caught up with us and wanted to go dancing. Bruce said fine, but that he needed to check on something (at his home) on our way to the nightclub.

"We pulled up to a driveway and he said that he'd be right back. We assumed we were at his house. What he was doing was checking on his wife, who was eight months pregnant!"

"That was outrageous," Bloch Jones says. "I mean, hysterical that somebody would have the nerve to do that. It's amazing how much confidence some people have."

Bethany Girard, of Henderson, didn't care much for the "handsome hunk" she met in her college algebra class -- or for his choice in dining establishments.

"Prince Charming explained to me that, being in college, money was tight. I understood his situation. We arrived at Smith's (supermarket) and he showed me where all of the free (food) samples were and explained that we weren't going to buy anything, just eat the free samples. I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't.

"After visiting a second store, I was really upset. My Irish temper was about to flare up. We got to store No. 3, and he told me he wanted to take me to see a movie. This was more like it. I was happy until he asked to borrow $25 for the tickets and popcorn. I asked him to wait by the free samples of cheese, as I had to freshen-up in the ladies' room. I snuck through frozen foods and out the front door.

"He was mad at me on Monday in algebra class. He let me know that any girl would love just to be with him. I told him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine."

This one left Bloch Jones speechless. "What was he thinking? I don't even know what to say." Except that it wasn't fair of Girard to ditch her date. "To sneak out on somebody, I think, is really kind of inappropriate unless your life is threatened."

John Gerlach, of Las Vegas, drove for hours to meet a woman for a pre-arranged date -- except the date wasn't expecting him:

"I knew it might be a little be a little bit of a rough go when I was greeted at the door with, 'What are you doing here?'

"We chatted for maybe an hour. Then the phone rang. She answered, talked for several minutes and hung up. She said, 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. That was my boyfriend and he is on his way over.'

"I drove the 320 miles back home that afternoon and promptly forgot about her."

"Unbelievable," Bloch Jones says. "It seems to me there was a real communication problem. How could he show up after (driving) all that time without being real sure that they indeed had plans? It's a wonder."

Chances are good that Las Vegan Frances Mitchell won't be fishing off the company pier again. While working at a local hotel gift shop, she caught the eye of a rack jobber, whose job it was to stock best-selling books on the shelves. He asked her to a rock concert, and checked his manners at the door:

"I was dressed casually but fashionably for a first date. My date showed up in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.

"We got into his car and he sped off at 50 miles per hour on the unpaved roads near my home and 90 mph on the highway! I asked him, 'Where's the seat belt?' He said it was broken. I began to think that the crack in the windshield was from his last date's misfortune.

"We arrived near the venue, but traffic was at a near-standstill. He began using all sorts of foul language at other drivers -- a major turnoff. We wound up parking nearly a mile away because he wouldn't shell out money to valet park. I teetered in my heels all the way.

"We got to the concert and for two hours, I truly forgot about the first half of the date. Then the lights came back on, I looked to my left and it all came back to me!

"He asked me, 'You want a drink?' I responded 'Yes,' and he brought me a bottle of juice from the gift shop. When I had finished it he said, 'You done?' I said, 'Yes,' and he cast the bottle aside, not even trying to look for a trash can!

"We were driving home when he said, 'I'm thirsty now. Mind if we pull over?' He bought himself a large drink at a convenience store and didn't bother to ask if I wanted anything.

"We finally reached my home and I was ready to go inside when he crept up and kissed me on the mouth (to my profound disgust). He jumped back into his car and left. I went in to check when I'd had my last rabies shot ... ewwwwww!

"Needless to say, I wasn't about to see him again, and it wasn't long before he stopped coming to the store. At least he got the message loud and clear."

"That was rude," Bloch Jones says of Mitchell's date's actions. "And also clueless. ... If he were a gentleman, yes, he would have obviously offered her (a drink)," but maybe the thought to ask her did not occur to him.

"Her problem might have been solved if she had just said, 'Can you get me a soda, too?' if she wanted one, instead of assuming he was a complete boor. By that point, I don't think he stood a chance."

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