Dial File: Monica's gone; TV grinds on

"What did I have that I don't have? What did they like that I lost track of? What did I do that I don't do the way I did before?"

-- The pop standard "What Did I Have?"

Life moves on in post-impeachment America: The media machine starts spreadin' new news. The Monica Story starts singin' the blues:

"Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! Will she run? Will she run? Will she run? Since I'M John McLaughlin, I ask YOU -- Eleanor Clift! On second thought, skip that -- on a scale of one to 10, subtracting one through nine, rate my brilliance!" (Beat it, Monica.)

"What isn't there that once was there? What have I got a great big lack of?"

"What will happen in 2000? Will Gore score? Will Quayle fail? Will my suspenders snap? Will I finally need Viagra? We'll discuss these vital issues with our panel. You're watching 'Larry King Live' and we'll return right after I divorce my latest wife." (Take a hike, Monica.)

"Something in me that they could see then beckons to them no more."

"Robert Novak, you are totally clueless! Republicans will PAY for their folly in the coming election. This is Mark Shields, soothsayer to a nation, for The Capital Gang! ... And in case you're wondering, Margaret Carlson gave me this hickey." (Vamoose, Monica.)

"Oh, I'm just a victim of time. Obsolete in my prime. Out of date and outclassed -- by my past."

"Where has Tinky been putting his Winky -- and what does it mean to America? I'm Sam Donaldson. Join Cokie, George, my hair and me for an important roundtable discussion, followed by Jerry Falwell singing 'I Feel Pretty.' " (Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Monica.)

"What did they love that there's none of? What did I lose the sweet, warm knack of? Wouldn't I be the late, great me if I knew how?"

"It's 1999 -- do you know where your Social Security is? Hello, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll discuss that critical issue with a 53-year-old transvestite hooker who is afraid to retire -- a nation's shame!" (Hit the road, Monica.)

"What did they like that I'm not like?"

"Good evening and welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' I'm Jay Leno and ... whaddaya mean we ran outta jokes for the monologue? Steal some from Bill Maher!" (Monica -- DON'T LEAVE ME!) (Hey, there's an exception to every rule.)

"What was that charm that I've run dry of?"

"I'm proud to announce that I, Howard Stern, am indeed the Antichrist -- an evil, Jewish male living in America, influencing millions. I will take over the Earth during the 2000 presidential election, during which I will choose our new president -- Hillary Clinton or Libby Dole -- based on which one is more willing to go for some hot lesbo action." (Scram, Monica -- but take off your thong, first.)

"What would I give if my old know-how still knew how?"

Everybody, now: "Monica? Monica Who?"

"Oh, what did I have I don't have??? What did they see that's gone now??? WHAT ... DID ... I ... HAVE ... I ... DON'T ... HAAAAAAAAVE ... NOW?"

Goodbye, Monica.

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