ColumnistE.J. Dionne: A crystal ball of wishes for 1999

HOW different will 1999 be from 1998? Let me count the ways -- and if you detect wishful thinking at certain points in this list, you are extremely perceptive.

The End of the Clinton Scandals. OK, I tried. Even if the impeachment issue is resolved, there will be lots of rummaging around in those old Judiciary Committee evidence boxes for leakable material. Clinton himself can't help but provide new adventures. Besides, whole websites, radio and cable shows would die without Clinton scandals.

But wouldn't it be a relief to go a week, a month, even a whole season without seeing the words "allegation," "charge," "accusation," or "investigation" appear within five words of the name "Clinton?" Is it too much for a citizen to ask? If Bill McCollum and Bob Barr get bored, they can hit the lecture circuit.

Someone Will Find a Synonym for Y2K. The letters looked cool once and were made for headline writers. But must everything about reality look virtual these days? Is it so awful to refer simply to the year 2000? Also: Please, please no more bridges to the 21st century.

As for the Y2K problem, most of us assume someone else will solve it. Many of us suspect it's an invention of computer analysts who know we'll spend a lot of money to fix a problem, especially if we don't really understand it.

It's hard to believe those smart guys didn't plan for the date odometer clicking over to 000. So maybe this is the high-tech version of planned obsolescence -- a cyber scam. This will be the big scandal of Y1.999K.

John McCain Will Be the George W. Bush of The First Part of This Year. Everybody wrote George W. Bush puff pieces in 1998, including yours truly. After all, he's from Austin, not Washington. He speaks Spanish. He rhapsodizes about education. He praises old values, while sounding open and tolerant. Yuppie baby boomers like that.

It's a law of journalism, and life, that this can't last. So sell your Bush futures now -- you should pick them up again later in the year -- and buy into McCain. He announced just before the new year that he was exploring a presidential candidacy for Y2K.

War hero and POW, maverick, straight talker, foe of big tobacco and big campaign money but conservative anyway: He's a natural for the new round of puffery. Even journalists can't be cynical seven days a week and McCain is the perfect vehicle for our Uplift Fix.

Buy Gephardt Futures, too. House Democratic Leader Dick Gephardt got a bad rap in the press for years. He switched positions on issues. He was a protectionist. He had no eyebrows. But he did have a dog called Spot and a wife called Jane. He was so, so straight.

In 1987, I remember reporters asking him one hostile question after another at a news conference because he honestly didn't use marijuana in the 1960s. The guy couldn't buy a break.

But the new Gephardt -- new in the press that is -- will find his faults turned into virtues: Being so, so straight is hip. His eloquent handling of impeachment and the "politics of personal destruction" will win him some nice profiles. The word "stolid" will lose its "t" and be transformed into "solid." Plus, House Democrats don't look like sure losers anymore.

Universal Health Coverage and Campaign Finance Reform Will Pass Congress. And my Red Sox will win the World Series.

Yeah, sure, and as my friend Peter Milius says, Lucy will one day hold down the football long enough for Charlie Brown to kick it. It's gotta happen some year, right?

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