Columnist Ron Kantowski: Pros' caddies enjoy their share of the wealth

Ron Kantowski's notes column appears Tuesday and Thursday. Reach him at [email protected] or 259-4088.

If I were a father expecting a baby boy, the first thing I'd put in his crib would be a set of golf clubs.

Not so that he could learn how to use them. But so that he could learn how to carry them.

Next to Michael Buffer or Mike Timlin (closer for the Orioles), golf caddies might have the best job in pro sports. All you've got to do is develop some strong back muscles and watch the money roll in like a Ben Crenshaw putt.

According to a report in the Birmingham (Ala.) Post-Herald, the guys who are left holding the bag at this week's Las Vegas Senior Classic make a salary of $500 to $700 per week, and pocket anywhere from 5 to 10 percent of their guy's prize money.

On the PGA Tour, the percentages are about the same but the weekly stipend is higher -- $1,000-$1,500.

Alas, there reportedly is a movement to pay caddies a flat rate. According to the Post-Herald story, when Ernie Els offered his caddie a flat, annual fee of $150,000, the caddie quit.

Maybe I've been writing sports columns for too long, because $150,000 for toting the sticks and telling my pro which way the wind is blowing seems like a pretty good wage.

And some caddies don't even have to gauge the wind and pin placement.

"I always say a good caddie is one you never see," touring pro Jeff Maggert said, adding his thoughts on the perfect caddie: someone who cleans the club and the ball, shows up on time, is in the right place at the right time and keeps his mouth shut.

Some caddies have a problem with the latter. Bruce Fleisher, who tops the Senior money list heading into Las Vegas, shares the following anecdote:

"I remember a story about Dave Hill, playing the Colonial years ago. He was on the 15th hole and three-putted to fall back out of the lead. On the 16th tee, a short par 3, he hears his caddie behind him mumble something about 'throwing my money away.'

"Dave Hill turns around and says 'Throwing your money away?' And he takes out a 5-wood, hits the tee shot over the clubhouse, turns back to his caddie and says 'There goes your money.' "

* FIGHT FILMS: An item in this space last Thursday suggesting the third good movie about boxing has yet to be made generated several phone calls, nominating other films about the pugilistic sport that were better than the norm.

While the callers took the note a little too literally -- the point was that there are a lot more bad movies about boxing than good ones -- they were unanimous in their endorsement of 1980's "Raging Bull," in which Robert DeNiro played feisty middleweight Jake LaMotta.

A more recent effort that received high marks was "When We Were Kings," a documentary based around the Muhammad Ali-George Foreman bout in Zaire, Africa.

"Gentleman Jim," in which Errol Flynn portrayed turn-of-the-century heavyweight Jim Corbett, received an honorable mention from one caller. "The Main Event," starring Ryan O'Neal as a washed-up pug and Barbra Streisand as his manager, did not.

* SECRET FORMULA: Dikembe Mutombo of the Atlanta Hawks is the winner of the NBA's IBM Award, a computer-generated measure of a player's statistical contribution to his team. It would take Madam Curie to figure out the formula that is used to determine the winner, but here it is anyway:

Points, field goal attempts, rebounds, assists, steals and blocked shots are added together. Personal fouls and turnovers are subtracted. That sum is added to the number of a team's victories multiplied by 10. That total is multiplied by 250 to reach a number that is divided by team points minus field goal attempts, plus rebounds, assists, steals and blocks minus personal fouls and turnovers. Chick Hearn's shoe size is subtracted from that figure and the final number is multiplied by the number of dates Bill Gates had in high school.

Actually, the last two elements aren't part of the equation. Everything else is.

* BIRD BRAIN: Chad Alvarez, son of Wisconsin football coach and frequent Las Vegas visitor Barry Alvarez, might be a fan of singer Jimmy Buffett. But he's certainly no parrothead, as Buffett's loyal legion of fans refer to themselves.

Police in Madison, Wis., want to charge the younger Alvarez, a 23-year-old senior, with burglary and mistreatment of an animal for allegedly breaking into a fraternity brother's room and killing his parrot by toasting him in a microwave oven.

If charged and convicted on both counts, Alvarez faces a maximum fine of $20,000 and a 12-year jail sentence.

The whole thing is pretty disturbing. When I was a kid, the guys at Army were renown for kidnapping the Navy goat.

But he never wound up in a crock pot.

* PARTING SHOT: Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket: "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

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